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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 14, Issue 10 (January 1, 1940)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

A Very Good Reason.

The little boy was sitting on the edge of the pavement, crying bitterly, when the kindly old gentleman came up.

“Why are you crying, my little man?” he asked gently.

“Father thrashed me for doing a crossword puzzle,” came the answer between violent sobs.

“Good gracious! Why?”

“Well, sir, one clue was a word of three letters meaning something that is drunk every afternoon—an'—an' I put ‘Dad.’”

* * *

Not So Lonely.

A man was seen sitting on a lonely railway embankment in the west of Ireland. A passing tourist said to him, “Don't you find life very lonely?”

“Not at all, sir,” he replied.

“Well, what do you do with yourself?”

“Sure, I watch the trains go by.” “But how many trains go by each day?” “Just the wan, sir.”—From “Not so Humdrum,” by R. W. Harris (“Railway Gazette,” London).

* * *

At the Zoo.

Father: “Yes, that lion could kill me with his paw and eat me up.”

Little Elsie (wide-eyed): “Daddy, if the lion comes out of his cage and eats you up, which bus do I take home?”

* * *

Critical Valuation.

Granny: “You girls are so useless nowadays. I don't believe you know even what needles are for.”

Flapper: “What a dear old granny you are! Why, they are to make the gramophone play, of course.”

* * *

Really Desperate.

Gentleman: Are you really so hard up?

Tramp: Hard up? Why, sir, if suits of clothes wuz sellin’ at a penny apiece I wouldn't have enough to buy the armhole of a vest.

An Exacting Task.

“Ah, good mornin’, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything’?”

Sure, an' I'm havin' a great time uv it between me husband and the fire. If I keep me eye on the wan, the other is sure to go out.”

* * *

Poor Aim.

He: “I thought you had thrown Cyril over.”

She: “Yes; but you know how a girl throws.”

A Railway Station Showying yr Travellers Refreshynge Themsleves.

A Railway Station Showying yr Travellers Refreshynge Themsleves.

–(Courtesy “Railway Gazette.”)

A satirical drawing by “Dicky Doyle” (Richard Doyle, the father of Conan Doyle) showing the primitive conditions under which travellers “refreshed” themselves during the heyday of the railway refreshment room.

The Drawing Lesson.

Teacher (to class): “Now, children, I want you all to draw a ring.”

All the children did so except Tommy, who drew a square.

Teacher: “Tommy, I told you to draw a ring, and you have drawn a square. Why?”

Tommy: “Well, mine's a boxing ring”

Alarming!

First Actor: Business is very bad in the theatre, isn't it?

Second: Very bad! The only audience I ever see is when I shave!

The Explanation!

One afternoon the silence was shattered by the sound of an uproar from the kitchen. Voices were raised in indignation; there were loud and violent arguments and much bumping and banging about.

The mistress of the house hurried down to investigate and reached the kitchen just as the angry voices reached a deafening crescendo of sound.

“What on earth is all this shouting about?” she demanded.

“If you please, mum,” replied the hot-eyed and panting housemaid, “me and cook's not speakin'.”

* * *

Doubtful.

A certain art critic was invited to an artist's studio to express an opinion of the latter's most recent picture.

“Well, candidly, my dear fellow,” said the critic, after a brief examination, “I think your foreground is beastly.”

“Oh, indeed!” said the indignant artist, “and perhaps you think the cattle in the background are beastly, too?”

“Certainly not,” replied the critic, “They're anything but that.”

* * *

Our Mechanised Army.

A young soldier handed in a telegram, reading “Dear Mother, please send me ten shillings am coming home by wire.”

* * *

Food for Thought.

A man had a slight difference of opinion with his wife. But he acknowledged his error generously by saying: “You are right, and I am wrong, as you generally are. Goodbye, dear,” and he hurried off to catch his train.

“So nice of him to put it like that,” his wife said to herself. And then she began to think about it.

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