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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 14, Issue 7 (October 2, 1939)

Wit and Humour

page 64

Wit and Humour

Trouble Ahead.

Two men, one considerably smaller than the other, were crossing the street to enter a public-house when a youth on a bicycle flashed past them, operating a “buzzer” on the front wheel which emitted a particularly sharp, raucous wail.

The smaller of the men gave a nervous jump, and his friend said: “Lumme, what a state you're in—fancy jumping like that for a bike!”

“Bike?” retorted the little man; “I wasn't afraid of no bike … I thought I ‘card my missus calling me!”

* * *


“How did you learn to use both hands equally well, Pat?”

“Shure now and me faether, he always said to me: ‘Pat, learn to cut your finger-nails with yure left hand, fer some day ye might be afther losing yer right hand’.”

* * *

Something New.

Two elderly men at a club were discussing the table manners of a new member.

“Well, what do you think of him?” asked one.

“Very remarkable,” replied the other, thoughtfully. “I've heard soup gargled and syphoned, but, upon my word, that's the first time I've ever known it to be yodeled.”

* * *

Fine Measurements.

A.—“Hey, Bill, wot you doin’ now-adays?”

B.—“Got a job as an engineer.” A.—“Like it?”

B.—“Bit fiddlin'. Got to make fings to a fousandth of an inch.'

A.—“Lumme; how many fousandths are there in the inch?”

B.—“Blimey! millions!”

On the Ball.

A very thin full-back was annoyed by the attentions of a small dog during a “rugger” match.

At last, when play had moved to the other end the back shouted to the spectators: “Whoever owns this dog might call him off.”

Voice responded: “Come here, Spot. Them ain't bones, boy—them's legs.”

A problem for the Left Luggage Office.

A problem for the Left Luggage Office.

Also Ran.

Landlord: “I've come for the rent, please!”

Tenant: “Do you remember a horse called Good Thing that ran unplaced in—”

Landlord: “I am not interested in racehorses.”

Tenant: “But you are interested in this one, because your rent was on it.”

Helpful Assistance.

A local inhabitant was accosted by a stranger in the street.

“Which is the quickest way to the station?” he asked.

“Run, man,” was the reply.

* * *

Breaking the News.

New Curate: “And what might your name be, my good man?”

Pat: “Well, it might be anything or nothing, but it ain't. It's Moichael O'Hinnissey.”

* * *

Unexpected Request.

She had noticed the huskiness in his voice, and the nervous manner in which he fidgeted in his chair. She knew what was coming.

“Joan,” he said, and his throat seemed dry and parched, “would you—could you—”

“Go on, George,” she murmured, encouragingly. “I'm listening.”

“Would you—er—do you think you could—get me a drink of water? I'm as dry as a bone.”

* * *

The Challenge.

A Scotsman and a Yorkshireman were talking in a railway carriage. The Scot talked loud and long about what he and his countrymen could do. At last the Yorkshireman grew exasperated.

“Tha's been opening thy mouth wide,” he said, “about what tha can do. Tha can do this and tha can do that. Now tell me summat tha can't do and ah'll do it for thee.”

But the Scot had the last word.

“Well,” he replied, “Ah canna pay ma fare.”

* * *

School's In.

“Willie,” asked the teacher of the new pupil, “do you know your alphabet?”

“Yes, Miss,” answered Willie.

“Well, then,” continued the teacher, “what letter comes after A?”

“All of ‘em,” was the triumphal reply.