Crossing Lights.

An old Irishwoman wanted to cross the road at Hyde Park corner but was scared of the traffic.

A policeman came to the rescue, “It's all right,” he assured her. “When you see the red light, that red's for England so don't go. But when you see the green that's for Ireland. You can cross then, and not a thing will touch you.

She crossed on the green light, then waited till it was green again and came back to thank the policeman. “It was very kind of you to explain it so nicely,” she said, “But, glory be, you don't give much time for the Orangeman to get across.”

* * *

From Head to Foot.

He was discussing his son and heir, whom he had recently taken into the business:

“Well, yes, he's shaping pretty well, but he has a long way to go yet before he'll have a head big enough to fill my shoes.”

* * *

Makes Perfect.

“You cough more easily this morning,” said the doctor, as he sat down by the patient's bedside.

“I should,” said the sick man, dryly. “I practised twelve hours last night.”

* * *

Have You Heard These?

The following conversation is an instance of rural politeness:

“How's the harvest?”

“Not so bad. How's your pigs?”

“Fine. Is your mare still ill?”

“No, she's all right now. Is your cow cured, too?”

“Yes. Well, I'm glad everything's all right up at your place. How's the wife?”

* * *

Necessary Gadget.

Truck Driver: “Use your noddle, lady, use your noddle.”

Lady Motorist: “My goodness, where is it? I've pulled and pushed everything in the car!”

Mac Gets Engaged.

She: “Now that we're engaged, dear, you'll give me a ring, won't you?”

He: “Yes, certainly, darling. What's your number?”

* * *

Prescience.

“So you've left your job, Pat?”

“Yes.”

“Was the boss surprised when he knew you were leaving?”

“No; he knew before I did.”

(Courtesy “Evening News.”)
Now, what signal do I give that I'm going to reverse?”

The Falling Leaf.

“And then,” said the man in the box, “my wife hit me with an oak leaf.”

“Well, that couldn't do much damage,” remarked the magistrate.

“Oh, yes, it did, sir; it was from the centre of our dining-room table.”

* * *

Rear Seat.

“Has your wife learned to drive a car yet?”

“Well, only in an advisory capacity.”

This Mechanical Age.

Customer: I want to return this washing machine.

Salesman: What is wrong with it, madame?

Customer: Every time I get into it the paddles knock me off my feet.

* * *

Five Can Ride as Cheaply as One.

Scotchman (at riding academy): “I wish to rent a horse.”

Groom: “How long?”

Scotchman: “The longest you've got, there be five of us going.”

* * *

Getting in Practice.

The newlyweds had just got off their train.

“John, dear,” said the bride, “let us try to make the people think we have been married a long time.”

“All right, dear,” was the answer, “you carry the suitcases.”

* * *

Well-Informed.

Two slightly inebriated men met on the street.

Said the first: “Do you know what time it is?”

Said the second: “Yes.”

“Thanks,” said the first as he staggered away.

* * *

Mother's Darling.

The fond mother wrote to her son, who was on military service.

“I hope that you have now learned to get up punctually every morning so that you do not keep the whole battalion waiting for breakfast.”

* * *

The New Messenger Boy.

The chief had sent the new messenger boy with a bill to old Mrs. Jiggs, just hoping that she would pay off her old account.

Chief: Well, did Mrs. Jiggs pay off that account of eleven shillings?”

Boy: “Yes, I gave her the nine shillings change and she will bring the pound herself next week.”