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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 14, Issue 3 (June 1, 1939)

Wit And Humour

page 62

Wit And Humour

The Visitors.

A policeman saw a crowd of boys playing football in the street. On chasing them, he caught one and, after a severe caution, let him go. Some time later he was moved to another beat, where he caught a boy from a crowd footballing.

“Aren't you the boy I caught some time ago?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” whimpered the boy; “but I can't help it. This is our away match.”

* * *

A Correction!

Aunt Agatha dropped in for a chat. “Oh, Auntie, how ugly you are!” said her little niece.

“Eva!” cried her mother, horrified. “How can you say such a thing?”

“I just said it as a joke, mother!”

“It would have been a much better joke if you had said, ‘Oh Auntie, how pretty you are,’” chided her mother.

* * *

A Gardening Note.

The two small boys were home for the holidays and were becoming rather troublesome, so their father suggested that they should “pot” some geraniums for him. The suggestion was met with approval, and off the two boys went to start the job.

Later in the day the father asked what they had done with the trowel.

“Oh,” said one boy, “we didn't use the trowel, we just took turns with the airgun.”

* * *

Her Right Category.

The small, nervous husband was having an unpleasant interview with the large, muscular cook whom he was reprimanding on account of her numerous breakages.

“Look ‘ere,” said she, “you can't frighten me—I'm a ‘dreadnought,’ that's what I am!”

“Well,” replied the other, looking at the heap of broken china, “I would rather say—er—that you are a destroyer.”

To the Rescue.

The storm was raging and the ship was obviously in peril when the old lady reached the beach.

“Can't somebody do something?” she exclaimed.

“It's all right,” remarked a bystander; “they've sent ‘em a line to come ashore.”

“Gracious me!” exclaimed the lady.

“Were they waiting for a formal invitation?”

* * *


The two ex-Army men were discussing their respective occupations since their retirement from the forces.

“I've done fairly well,” said one.

“I've not long started a pig-farm.”

“Ah,” said the other, “then I can suggest a good motto for your business.”

“And what might it be?” was the query.

“Well,” went on the other, “as an ex-Army man keeping pigs, why not have ‘The pen is mightier than the sword.”

(By courtesy of London “Punch”) “They must 'ave 'eard of that winder you broke.”

(By courtesy of London “Punch”)
“They must 'ave 'eard of that winder you broke.”

Force of Habit.

Before becoming a hotel clerk he had worked in a grocery store.

“Is Judge David Peggenburg stopping here?” asked an impressive-looking stranger, approaching the desk.

“No,” replied the clerk, with his most winning manner, “but—er—we have something else just as good.”

* * *


During a rush period at a railway buffet a customer was handed a sandwich from which the ham had slipped out.

“Hey, Miss,” he called. “Please give that pack another shuffle, will you? You've dealt me the joker.”

* * *

A Pleasure.

Mrs. Flanagan: I hear yer husband's in gaol.

Mrs. O'Reilly: Yes; an’ it's about time. Here we been pinchin’ ourselves for years to pay taxes to keep it goin', an’ this is the first chance we've ever had to use it.