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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 9 (December 1, 1938)

Wit And Humour

page 79

Wit And Humour


Fortune Knocks at The Smiling Door

Fortune Knocks at The Smiling Door

Mr. Jones (proudly): “They made me foreman of the jury to-day.”

Mrs. Jones: “That's a bit of comedown, isn't it, when you're a works-manager.”

* * *


“How is he getting on with his golf?”

“Oh, improving. He hit a ball in one to-day.”

* * *


Pat, the new under-gardener, gazed wonderingly at the shallow basin containing water in the lawn. “What's that for?” he asked the head gardener.

“That's a bird bath.”

“Now, how, don't ye be a-foolin’ me. What is it really?”

“A bird bath. Don't you believe me?”

“No,” said Pat, with a shake of his head. “I don't believe that there's a bird alive what can tell Saturday from any other night.”

* * *

Sick of It.

Disgusted Motorist: “Lend me a shoulder, will you?”

“Gosh, y'ain't gonna try to push it clean to a garradge, be ye?”

“No, if I can get it just as far as that cliff, that's all I ask!”

* * *

It's a Gift.

A certain R.A. one day paused in the street, attracted by some work of a pavement artist above the average. In a kindly manner he said: “Have you ever learned drawing?”

“Lor’ lumme, guv'nor, I can't learn yer; yer ‘as to ‘ave a gift fer this!”

* * *


Hostess (to guest who has been coaxed to sing): “After that, Mr. Howler, you need never tell me again that you can't sing.”

* * *

Earning His Pay.

“Mighty mean man I'm workin’ for.”

“What's the matter?”

“He took the legs off the wheelbarrow so's I can't set it down and rest.”

Difficult Days.

A person has to be a contortionist to get along these days. First of all he's got to keep his back to the wall, and his ear to the ground. He's expected to put his shoulder to the wheel, his nose to the grindstone, keep a level head and both feet on the earth. And, at the same time look for the silver lining with his head in the clouds.

“S'funny! I've never seen the train so empty during the rush hour.” —“Evening News.”

“S'funny! I've never seen the train so empty during the rush hour.”
—“Evening News.”


One navvy to another at their midday meal: “What are you eating, Bill?”

Bill: “Soup; are you deaf?”

* * *

How it Sounded.

A busy man was using the telephone.

“I want Bank double-two, double-two,” he said.

“Two-two, two-two,” repeated the exchange girl, reproachfully.

“All right,” said the man, patiently; “you get me the number and we'll play at trains later on.”

The Answer.

The philanthropic woman was visiting a school. To test the brightness of a group of rather dull pupils, she asked:—

“Children, which is the greatest of all virtues? Think a little; what am I doing when I give up time and pleasure to come and talk to you for your own good?”

A grimy fist went up.

“Well, what am I doing?”

“Please, ma'am, buttin’ in!”

* * *

Noble Ancestors.

The Lady: You say the dog has a long pedigree?

The Dealer: Yes, marm, ‘e has. One of ‘is ancestors chewed off the corner of th’ Magny Charty, an’ another of ‘em bit a hole in good King Halfred. Yes, marm.

* * *

In Reverse.

Doctor: Do you sleep on the flat of your back?

Patient: No, the back of my flat.

* * *

Too Deep.

“Now, Tommy,” said the teacher, to the bright boy of standard four, “can you tell me what ‘cynic’ is?”

“Yes, sir,” replied Tommy, with alacrity. “It's the place where they washes the dishes.”

* * *

Too Kind.

Teacher: Is your father kind to animals, Tommy?”

Tommy: Yes, Miss. ‘E says ‘e'd like to kill the man what scratches horses.

* * *

Makes History.

Old Lady (to cabman): Does your horse ever shy at motors?

Cabby: Lor’ bless you, no, lady; ‘e didn't even shy when railway trains fust come in!

* * *

A Pause in the Game.

Old Gent: You naughty boys! What are you doing to that poor little fellow?

Boy: That's our referee. We're not hurting him. He swallowed the whistle!

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