Some Very Old Scotch.

Sandy was thinking of getting married but wanted to be sure that the girl of his choice was thrifty.

So one night when out walking with her, he said, “Maggie, I ken a lassie that reads for ‘oors in her bed at nicht and wastes a lot of gas. Do you read in bed?”

“Only when it's a moonlicht nicht,” she replied. A week later they were married.

* * *

Caught Napping.

It was a warm day, and a dull case concerning the rights of river commissions was being argued.

Counsel made speeches of interminable length, and the judge fell into a doze.

“But we must have water here,” thundered the defending lawyer in such stentorian tones that the judge “came to.”

“All right,” he mumbled hastily, “but only a very little in mine.”

* * *

Equality.

Father: “Why is it that you are always at the bottom of the class?”

Johnny: “It doesn't make any difference, daddy, they teach the same things at both ends.”

* * *

Facts and Facts.

A teacher, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts its shell, when he has out-grown it, said: “What do you do when you have out-grown your frock; you cast it aside, don't you?”

“Oh, no,” replied the child, “we let out the tucks.”

Unnatural History.

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what causes trees to become petrified?”

Bright Student: “The wind makes them rock.”

* * *

During the Argument.

Mr. Knagg: Stick to the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil.

Mrs. Knagg: Well, the truth about you would shame him, too!

A Precaution.

The party was fast and merry. A guest approached the host.

Guest: Many, many thanks for the excellent party, Mr. Chisholm.

Host: But, surely, you are not going yet when the fun is only just beginning.

Guest: No, but the party is so wonderful that I felt I must thank you whilst I could still recognise you.

“I suppose you know that the favourite didn't win the big race to-day?” “No. I have no interest in racing.” “Well, you should have. Your housekeeping money was on it.”

Up and Down.

Mrs. Flynn: “How is your husband now, Mrs. O'Brien?”

Mrs. O'Brien: “Still very poorly, Mrs. Flynn. It's these pick-me-ups that lets him down.”

* * *

The Secret Key.

Orchestra Leader: “What key are you playing in?”

Boob: “Skeleton key.”

“Skeleton key?”

“Yes—it fits anything.”

A Scotsman's Rise.

The manager of an Aberdeen firm called his book-keeper into his private room.

“Sandy,” he said, “the accountant is leaving and I'm gaun tae gie you his job.”

The young book-keeper's face lit up with expectation.

“Thank you, sir,” he replied. “And what will the salary be now?”

The manager shook his head.

“The same as you're gettin', but ye'll ha'e a hat-peg to yourself now,” he returned.

* * *

A Craftsman Job.

Mr. Smart, the absurdly rich man, had arranged a costly picnic.

As the party tramped through the woods in search of a nice, shady spot the rich man's niece tapped him on the shoulder.

“Uncle,” she whispered, “who is that awfully villainous fellow helping to carry the picnic baskets?”

“That's Slick Jim,” replied the rich man, “one of the cleverest safe-breakers outside prison-walls.”

“Good gracious!” gasped the horrified girl, “W-what did you bring him along for?”

“I'm sparing no expense on this picnic,” said her uncle grandly. “It'll be Slick's job to open the sardines.”

* * *

Weighing Her Up.

Thump, thump, thump!

The visitor was being treated to a display of little Agatha's prowess on the piano. I know the word prowess has a martial sound, but Agatha's playing was like that. In fact, you might well think she did it with military boots.

The pounding ceased at last, and the proud mother said hopefully:

“Of course, those scales were entirely self-taught. Don't you think it would be worth while to have a teacher?”

The visitor shrugged her shoulders and sniffed.

“Well,” she answered, “speaking candid, my dear, if them's scales what she played, it ain't a teacher she wants, it's a Hinspector of Weights and Measures.”