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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 6 (September 1, 1938)

wit and humour

page 61

wit and humour

The Hit Back.

He was very hungry, so he pushed open the swing doors of the restaurant and entered. It was a rough, ill-smelling place, but he thought he would try a cup of coffee and something to eat.

The waitress brought coffee in a thick, heavy cup.

“Where's the saucer?” inquired our fastidious friend.

“We don't give no saucers here,” replied the girl. “If we did, some illbred ignoramus would come blowing in, and drink out of his saucer, and we'd lose a lot of our swellist customers.”

* * *

Remarkable Effect.

“Well, son, how did you like that nice fizzy drink?”

“Not too bad, dad, but it felt as if my foot had gone to sleep in my nose.”

* * *

As George Saw It.

George and Mary had been “walking out” together for ten years.

As George did not seem in a hurry to come to the point, Mary thought she would help him. So next time they were out she said:

“George, don't you think it's time you and me got married.”

George looked at her for a minute. “Aye lass,” he said, “but who do you think will have us?”

* * *

No Good at Passing.

Two Scotsmen were watching a football match. One had a bottle, the other only a thirst. The bottle-man was talking very loudly about his knowledge of the game and what a fine player he was himself.

During the conversation he helped himself liberally to the contents of the bottle, whereupon the thirsty one said: “Weel, I notice ye're a fine dribbler; but ye're nae guid at passing.”

Geographical.

Sally: “Isn't Nora Newrich very ignorant?”

“Gerty: “Her ignorance is simply appalling. Why, when the waiter at the restaurant asked her which dessert she liked the best she replied, ‘The Sahara’.”

Silence.

Gentleman: “Would you mind not talking, madam. I cannot hear a a word.

Lady: “Well educated people do not need to hear. They know ‘Rigoletto’ by heart.”

(Courtesy, “Railway Gazette.”) From Hippo to Huet.

(Courtesy, “Railway Gazette.”)
From Hippo to Huet.

Reassured.

Sam Simpson worked hard. All day long he carried heavy iron baulks and girders. Toward evening he said to the foreman, who was a notorious slave-driver:

“Boss, you am suah got me down on dat pay-roll, yeh?”

The foreman glanced at his list.

“Yes,” he said, “here you are, Sam Simpson. That's right, isn't it?”

“Yaas, boss, but Ah thought mebbe yuh had got me down here as Samson.”

Muddled Menu.

Some tourists at an hotel in a small Italian town were looking through the menu when a polite waiter came to their assistance.

“The ham is not, and the chicken never was,” he explained, “so will you have your eggs tight or loose?”

* * *

A Neat Retort.

An American visitor was standing on the platform when the Royal Scot rushed through.

“Do you call that an express?” he drawled to the porter.

“Bless you, no, sir!” replied the porter. “That's Bill doin' a bit o' shuntin'. He'll be back in a minute.”

* * *

This Machine Age.

Lady Pupil (after smash up): “Do I need much more before I am able to drive?”

Dejected Instructor: “About a dozen more.”

Lady Pupil: “Lessons?”

Dejected Instructor: “No, cars.”

* * *

A Bright Boy.

Professor: “John, name a collective noun.”

John: “A vacuum cleaner.”

* * *

Yes, Indeed.

There is always a tie between a father and son, says a Rotarian speaker, and if there is, you can wager the son is wearing it.

* * *

A Free Lesson.

Judge: “How did you beat the witness in this frightful manner?”

Accused: “Come outside and I will show you!”

* * *

Soup for Nuts.

“Yes, I know fish is brain food, but I don't care so much for fish. Isn't there some other brain food?”

“Well, there's noodle soup.”