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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 5 (August 1, 1938)

Wit and Humour

page 63

Wit and Humour

A Fashion Note.

Englishman: “What a funny pair of socks you've got on, Pat. One's grey and the other's blue.”

Pat: “Yes; I've got another pair exactly the same at home.”

* * *

A Poser!

The dear old soul watched the gaily-clad cowboy dexterously swinging his lasso in the grounds of the circus.

“What a long rope,” she said at last. “What do you use it for?”

“Waal, lady,” the cowboy replied, “when I'm out West on the ranch I use it for catching cows.”

“Catching cows? How very interesting. Tell me, what bait do you use.”

* * *

Non-Skid.

The streamlined bath tub is now on the market, and here's hoping that someone will equip a cake of soap with four wheel brakes.

* * *

Unduly Concerned.

The one thing that always caused an argument between the husband and wife was her dog.

Arriving home one evening he found his wife busily engaged in combing and brushing it.

“Look here, Jane,” he cried, “are you using my comb on that dog?”

“Yes, dear,” his wife returned sweetly, “but you needn't worry, I washed the comb first.”

* * *

The Reason.

Customer (angrily): “Those apples you sold me yesterday had a fishy taste.”

Shopkeeper: “Quite right, madame. They were crab apples.”

* * *

Valedictory.

Bailie McTavish: An' so ye leave Glesca on Saturday. What are ye daein' the morrow nicht. Mr. Jarvis: To-morrow—Thursday? I've no engagement. And the next nicht? I'm free then, too. And what will ye be daein' on Saturday? On Saturday, I dine with the Buchanans. Man, that's a peety. I wanted ye to tak' dinner wi' us on Saturday.

A Maid's Retort.

Mrs. Brown had been in a bad temper all day. She had soundly rated her husband for an imagined slight, and had scolded the maid. Mr. Brown said sympathetically to the girl: “You and I seem to be in the same unfortunate position this evening, Mary.”

“Not likely!” replied the maid. “I'm giving her notice to-morrow.”

* * *

At the Side Gate.

Said the stout lady to the little boy: “Can I get into the park through this gate?”

“I guess so, lidy. A cart-load of hay just went through.”

* * *

Perhaps!

Jack: “What did your wife say when you got home from the Club last night?”

Bill: “She never said a word, but I was going to have my two front teeth out in any case.”

* * *

The Obliging Shopman.

The shopper was on her way out after leaving her list of groceries to be delivered. Suddenly she turned and said coldly: “Never mind the cranberries, Mr. Dugan. I see the cat is sleeping on them.”

“Bless you, ma'am! She won't mind me waking her up!”

Loader (to short-sighted sportsman): “Old on, Sir, I've a son in the Air Force.”

Loader (to short-sighted sportsman): “Old on, Sir, I've a son in the Air Force.”

That Stopped Her!

The newly rich woman was trying to make an impression: “I clean my diamonds with ammonia, my rubies with Bordeaux wine, my emeralds with Danzig brandy, and my sapphires with fresh milk.”

“I don't clean mine,” said the quiet woman sitting next to her; “when mine get dirty, I just throw them away.”

* * *

Promotion Assured.

A man walked into a shop and asked for a pair of boots. The assistant, a youth of fourteen, showed him a suitable pair, the price being 16/6. The customer stated that he had only 13/6 with him, and inquired if he could pay that and bring the balance next day. He was told that he could.

After the customer had left, the proprietor reprimanded the assistant for allowing the man to take the boots, saying they would never see him again.

“Oh, but we shall,” replied the youth.

“I wrapped up two boots for the left foot, so he's bound to come back.”

* * *

The Virtue of Patience.

Would-be Diner: “Waitress, please find out if your colleague from whom I ordered a steak some time ago is still employed here?”