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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 2 (May 2, 1938.)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

Fortune Knocks at the Smiling Door

Fortune Knocks at the Smiling Door

A Dog's Life.

A stranger was standing on the platform of a small railway station when the express flashed past. Into the whirl of dust raised by the train leaped the stationmaster's dog, and tore madly up the track in pursuit.

“Does your dog often do that?” asked the stranger of the stationmaster.

“Yes, sir. Every time the express passes, the dog is after it like a hare.”

“That's queer,” commented the stranger. “Why does he do it?”

“I don't know,” replied the dog's owner, scratching his head thoughtfully. “What worries me is, what is he going to do with it when he gets it?”

* * *

A Complete Success.

“There's a wonderful echo about here,” said the guide to the man who was walking in the Lake District, “but you have to shout very loud. Now, you just yell, ‘Two pints of beer!'”

The man shouted and then listened.

“I hear no echo,” said he.

“Oh, well,” said the guide, “here comes the inn-keeper with our beer, anyway.”

* * *

Doing Well.

First Caddie: Ow're, yer gettin’ on wiv ’im?

Second Caddie: Not so bad. ‘E's got a ’ole in ’is pocket, and I've picked up five and tuppence ‘a'penny so far.

* * *


Burly Bill: An’ what's yer decision?

Referee: It is—off the field!

“Then all I can say is that the only good of you on a football field is fer a linesman ter tie a handkerchief round yer neck an’ use yer fer a flag!”

* * *

The Maid's Lament.

Cook (returning excitedly with news from upstairs): The young master's just got his degree.

Maid of All Work (dismally): Something else for me to keep clean, I s'pose.


There was a loud crash and a tinkling noise as the new tea-service Jane had been carrying met the hard floor of the kitchen.

Almost immediately there was a patter of feet outside, and the kitchen door opened to admit Jane's mistress.

The mistress gazed with dismay at the mass of debris on the floor.

“Oh, Jane!” she cried. “How did it happen?”

“Lack of co-ordination between mind and muscle, ma'am,” replied Jane.

Caretaker (to absent-minded professor): You've made a mistake, sir. Your lecture's for to-morrow night, though, judgin’ by the tickets we've sold, you might as well give it now!

Caretaker (to absent-minded professor): You've made a mistake, sir. Your lecture's for to-morrow night, though, judgin’ by the tickets we've sold, you might as well give it now!

Pay Here.

As McPherson and his girl were entering the cinema, the girl said, “Here's my one-and-threepence, John.”

McPherson looked pleased.

“Ay, I'm glad ye've given it me before we go in, Jenny. Ye know, if there's one thing I can't abide it's to see a lassie pay for hersel'.”

* * *

Point of View.

The examining lawyer was cross-questioning an Irishwoman in court with regard to the stairs in her house. “Now, my good woman, please tell the court how the stairs run in your house.”

“How do the stairs run?” repeated the woman. “Shure, when I'm upstairs they run down, and when I'm downstairs they run up.”

Not a Major Ingredient.

Having overslept on his wedding morn, the bridegroom hastened to the station only to find that his train had gone.

Half-frantic, he rushed into the post-office and sent off the following telegram:

“Delayed. Don't marry till I come.”

* * *

Depends on Nature.

Visitor: “Is this village lighted by electricity?”

Villager: “Only when there's a thunderstorm.”

* * *

Making an Asset of a Liability.

Angry Father: “Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You've been learning for three years and you can only count up to ten. What will you do in life if you go on like that?”

Small Son: “Be a referee at boxing matches.”

* * *

Man Overboard.

A passenger had by some mischance fallen overboard, and had been rescued after having been in the water some time. Shortly afterwards the captain came to see how the patient was.

“Is he all right?” he asked one of the hands.

“Yes, sir,” replied the sailor, “except that he seems to have lorst ‘is sense of humour.”

* * *


A travelling circus had arrived at a small village, and the vicar paid a visit to the encampment to see if he could be of service. He came across three circus hands sitting silent and very dejected.

“What's wrong?” asked the vicar.

“The elephant's dead,” volunteered one of the men.

“Dear, dear,” said the parson, “I am sorry. But at the same time I am glad to think that you three men cared so much for a dumb animal.”

“Oh, ‘taint that,” explained one of the three. “You see, us chaps has got to dig the hole to bury him.”

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