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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 12, Issue 12 (March 1, 1938.)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

Fortone Knocks At The Smiling Door

Fortone Knocks At The Smiling Door

Not Much Left!

An engine driver was off duty owing to illness, and when pay-day came round he asked his wife to call at the depot to collect his last week's wages. She was surprised when she saw the amount, and on reaching home mentioned that he had never told her what a good wage he got. He was ready for that. “Ah,” he said, collaring the packet, “but what'll be left when I've paid t’ fireman and t’ guard?”

* * *

A Precocious Boy.

The teacher had been telling his class about different coins of the realm, and after the lesson he pulled from his pocket a two-shilling piece and, slapping it on the desk, said, “What's that?” and an immediate answer followed from a boy in the front row, “Heads, sir.”

* * *

Burning Love.

Gene: “Say, Pete, I hear your wife still adores you after two years of married life; is that true?”

Pete: “Wal, I reckon it is; she places burnt offerings in front of me three times a day.”

* * *

Dad's Hobby.

Bobby (watching his father hammering a nail): “You're like lightning, dad.” Dad: “Why, my boy?” Bobby: “Well, lightning seldom strikes twice in the same place.”

* * *

Exchanged Thoughts.

The teacher wrote on the margin of little Betty's report card:

“Good worker, but talks too much.” Betty's father wrote on the opposite margin when it was returned:

“Come up sometime, and meet her mother.”

* * *

Sign Here.

Little Johnny, aged seven, had been taken to the Zoo to see the animals. He stood before the cage of the spotted leopard for a few minutes staring intently. Then, turning to his mother, he asked: “Say, ma, is that the dotted lion that everybody wants dad to sign on?”

Full of Go!

“What I want is a smart boy, who is alert, and intelligent. Are you quick to take notice?”

“Yessir—'ad it three times in a fortnight once!”

* * *

Very Thoughtful.

Passenger: “Why didn't you sound your horn when you saw the man in the road?”

Driver: “Well — er — I thought it would be more humane if he never knew who and what hit him!”

* * *

Betty's Revenge.

Little Betty: “The dentist wasn't painless, mummy.”

Mother: “Why, dear, did he hurt you?”

Betty: “No. But I hurt him when I bit his finger.”

—Humorist. Holiday-maker: “Now It's Quite a cushy job. All you have to do is to get a platform ticket and come and sit in our compartment until just before the train starts. Then my friend and I will have it all to ourselves.”

Holiday-maker: “Now It's Quite a cushy job. All you have to do is to get a platform ticket and come and sit in our compartment until just before the train starts. Then my friend and I will have it all to ourselves.”

Then and Now.

Old Lady (as husband fails to help her up the steps of railway carriage): “Henry, you ain't as gallant as when I was a gal.”

Husband: “No, Lettie, and you ain't as buoyant as when I was a boy.”

* * *

Thorough Job.

The famous detective arrived at the scene of the crime.

” Gracious,” he said, “this is more serious than I thought. This window has been broken on both sides.”

A Prescription.

The slightly deaf old sportsman, feeling run down, consulted the doctor, who after examination prescribed carrot and plenty of it.

“How shall I take it?”

“Anyway you like it, and as much as you like.”

A month later the patient returned in bursting health.

“Capital,” said the doctor, “carry on with the càrrot.”

“The what?—Carrot? Carrot. Good heavens! I thought you said claret. I've been drinking three bottles a day for the last four weeks.”

* * *

“What Did You Say?”

Sergeant: “If anything moves, you shoot.”

Sentry: “Yessir. And if anything shoots, I move.”

* * *

I'll Show You!

A salesman was waxing eloquent about the merits of a certain vacuum cleaner, but a suburban lady wasn't impressed. She suggested that he talk less and show her what the machine could do.

The live - wire salesman snapped into action. He took off his coat, fitted up the cleaner, thrust his arm into the chimney of the open fireplace and brought out a big handful soot, which he scattered over the parlor carpet. He then shoveled some ashes over the rug, adding a big handful of soil from the garden. Then he smiled and rubbed his hands.

“Now,” he exclaimed with enthusiasm. “I'll show you what this vacuum cleaner can do. You 11 be surprised, madam! Where's the electric switch?”

“Switch?” echoed the surprised woman. “We use gas!”

* * *

Blame the Wind.

Sergeant major: “When did you blow in?”

New Recruit: “I came in with the last draft, sir.”