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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 12, Issue 11 (February 1, 1938)

Wit and Humour

page 63

Wit and Humour

A Bright Pupil.

Teacher: “And you, Willie, can you tell me the nationality of Napoleon?”

Willie: “Course I can.”

Teacher: “That's right.”

* * *

The Office Boy Again.

There's a boy called Bill Jones working at this office. May I see him? I'm his grandfather.”

“You've just missed him. He's gone to your funeral.”

* * *

A Prescription.

The slightly deaf old sportsman, feeling run down, consulted the doctor, who after examination prescribed carrot and plenty of it.

“How shall I take it?” “Anyway you like it, and as much as you like.”

A month later the patient returned in bursting health.

“Capital,” said the doctor, “carry on with the carrot.”

“The what?—Carrot? Carrot, good heavens! I thought you said claret. I've been drinking three bottles a day for the last four weeks.”

* * *

First Impression.

An Irish girl was imported from the Emerald Isle to act as a general servant for a middle-class household.

Her mistress suggested to her the propriety of sending a postcard to her relatives with the news of her safe arrival and assurance of her welfare.

The girl did so, and added the following brief impression of her new environment:

“I came here in a cab without a horse; they play the piano with their feet, and they shout at people in the hall that aren't there!”

* * *

Word to the Wise.

A doctor has got off a good one which will appeal to everyone worried about level crossings. He says:

“A foot on the brake is worth two in the grave.”

Perfectly Convinced.

It was a dark and stormy night when the weary husband returned home.

“I've been to every shop in town and they can't match that bit of ribbon for you anywhere, dear,” he said to his wife.

“Splendid!” she cried. “I just wanted to make sure that it really was unique.”

* * *

The Conservative.

Judge: “Do you challenge any of the jury?”

Defendant: “Well, I think I can lick that little guy on the end.”

“I do wish you'd stop racing about, You're getting on my nerves.”

“I do wish you'd stop racing about, You're getting on my nerves.”

Evolution of a Man's Ambitions.

To be a circus clown.
To be like dad.
To be a fireman.
To do something noble.
To get wealthy.
To make ends meet.
To get the old-age pension.

Practically in the Tropics.

It was necessary for taxation pur-poses to decide which side of the Canadian and United States border a farm, which an old lady had just purchased, actually lay. Surveyors finally announced that the farm was just on the United States side of the border. The old lady smiled with relief. “I'm so glad to know that,” she said. “I've heard that winters in Canada are terribly severe.”

Short Measure.
“What is Scotland Yard?”
“Two feet, eleven inches.”

* * *

Difficult Days.

A person has to be a contortionist to get along these days. First of all he's got to keep his back to the wall, and his ear to the ground. He's expected to put his shoulder to the wheel, his nose to the grindstone, keep a level head and both feet on the earth. And, at the same time look for the silver lining with his head in the clouds.

* * *

Talking Turkey.

The conjurer was producing eggs from a top hat. He addressed a boy in the front row.

“Your mother can't get eggs without hens, can she?” he asked.

“Oh, yes,” said the boy.

“How's that?” asked the conjurer.

“She keeps ducks,” answered the boy.

* * *


Marjorie (going to bed): “Mother, need I brush the tooth the dentist is going to pull to-morrow?”

* * *

First Day at School.

A little boy, after his first day at school, was questioned as to what happened at his first day.

“Nothing much,” he said, “except that a lady there didn't know how to spell ‘cat.’ She asked me how, and I told her.”

* * *

All Out of Step but Him.

Judge—“What brought you here?”

Accused—“Two policemen.”

Judge—“I don't mean that—drunk, I presume.”

Accused—“Both of them.”


“Who commands in your house?”

“We share the management. My wife bosses the servants and the children. I attend to the goldfish.