Far Away.

At a public dinner a man who was a long way down the table would insist on proposing a toast, and though he was not on the toast list, the chairman allowed him to proceed.

“My toast is that of ‘Our Absent Friends’,” he said, “coupled with the name of the waiter who has not been near this end of the table all the evening.”

* * *

Impertinent.

A man slightly under the influence of alcohol entered a shop to buy a pair of shoes. He tried on a pair, but complained that they hurt him.

“A little bit tight, eh?” queried the assistant.

The customer fixed him with a glassy eye.

“That's none of your businessh,” he said.

* * *

The Ruling Spirit.

Mrs. Howes: “Mrs. Jones always asks the price of anything new that I happen to be wearing.”

Mrs. Brown: “What has she been trying to find out now?”

Mrs. Howes: “She wanted to know how much I paid for this dress.”

Mrs. Brown: “What an inquisitive creature. How much did you tell her?”

* * *

A Ticklish Job.

“He was kicked out of school for cheating!”

“Why?”

“He was caught counting his ribs in a physiology exam.”

* * *

A Proud Boy.

“Does your teacher like you, Tommy?”

“I should say so. She puts a big kiss on every sum I do.”

* * *

Two Nothings.

Johnnie: “My sister has a wooden leg.”

Preddie: “That's nothin'. My sister has a cedar chest.”

True Chivalry.

The genius of a certain Arkansas editor showed itself recently when he printed the following news item in the local columns of his paper:

“Miss Beulah Blank, a Batesville belle of twenty summers, is visiting her twin brother, age thirty-two.”

* * *

A Simple Recipe.

Customer, suspiciously: “How is the hash made here?

Waiter: “Made, sir? ‘Ash ain't made; it just accumulates.”

(By courtesy of the “Bulletin.”)
“Listen, Bill—were we anywhere near a circus last night?”

Virtue of Action.

“Moike!”

“What is it, Pat?”

“Supposin' I was to have a fit?”

“Yis.”

“Would yez kneel down and put the bottle to me lips?”

“No. I would bring yez to yourself quicker standing up in front of yez and drinking it all meself.”

* * *

The Recluse.

“Was the plaintiff,” asked the lawyer, cross-examining, “in the habit of talking to himself when alone?”

“I don't know,” replied the witness.

“Come, come. You don't know, and yet you pretend that you were intimately acquainted with him?”

“The fact is,” said the witness, dryly, “I never happened to be with him when he was alone.”

Eager to Please.

A young subaltern joined a guards depot, his upper lip as yet unadorned with even the suspicion of down. The adjutant sent for him.

“You must grow a moustache.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And not one of those Chaplin affairs—a proper moustache.”

“Yes, sir.”

The interview was finished, but the subaltern did not move, so the adjutant asked:

“Well, what more do you want?”

“Any particular colour, sir?”

* * *

He Looks Like It.

A lawyer said, when defending before Lord Young a plaintiff of somewhat bibulous appearance: “My client, my lord, is a most remarkable man, and holds a very responsible position; he is a manager of a waterworks.”

After a long look, the Judge answered: “Yes, he looks like a man who could be trusted with any amount of water.”

The Reason Why.

Daughter: “But, daddy, why do you object to my becoming engaged? Is it because of my youth?”

Daddy: “Yes, he's hopeless.”

Neat Retort.

An elderly lady, afraid of passing her destination, poked the tram conductor with her umbrella. “Is that the National Bank?” she asked.

“No, mum,” replied the conductor, “them's my ribs.”

* * *

Business Sense.

A teacher offered a prize to the boy who could tell him who was the greatest man in history.

“Christopher Columbus,” answered the Italian boy.

“George Washington,” answered the American lad.

“St. Patrick,” shouted the Jewish boy.

“The prize is yours,” said the teacher, “but why did you say St. Patrick?”

“Right down in my heart I knew it was Moses,” said the Jewish boy, “but business is business.”