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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 12, Issue 7 (October 1, 1937.)

Wit And Humour

page 61

Wit And Humour

At the Ticket Office.

A foreigner who required a return ticket for himself and a single for his wife, framed his request to the booking-clerk, thus:

“Gib me two dickets. Von for me to come back and von for my wife not to come back.”

* * *

After the Fight.

“What did you think of the big fight last night Bill?” asked the retired boxer of his pal.

“Fight?” retorted Bill scornfully. “If the missus and me ‘ad put up a show like that on Saturday night the kids would ‘ave booed us.”

* * *

At the Front Door.

Visitor: “Are your parents in, little boy?”

Urchin: “They was in, but now they is out.”

Visitor: “Dear me, where's your grammar?”

Urchin: “Gra'ma's having a lay-down upstairs.”

* * *

“Eyes Right!”

“Absent from parade—anything to say?” asked the commanding officer.

“Yessir. One of my mules kicked the quarter-master, and I had to fix it sir.”

“Fix it?”

“Yessir, the mule's ‘oof, sir.”

* * *

And What He Didn&t Know.

Auctioneer: “What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns?”

Man in crowd: “That ain&t Burns; that's Shakespeare.”

Auctioneer: “Well, folks, the joke's on me. That shows what I know about ancient Greece.”

* * *

Absolutely.

A teacher was giving his class a lecture on charity.

“Willie,” he said, “If I saw a boy beating a donkey, and I stopped him from doing so, what virtue should I be showing?”

“Brotherly Love,” Willie reported promptly.

Life's Minor Tragedies.

The small boy who went on strike at the church door because they promised him a train to carry up the aisle, and when he got there, it was only part of a lady's dress.

* * *

Gallant.

Two men were seated together in a crowded street car. One of them noticed that the other had his eyes closed.

“Wassamatter, Bill,” he asked “feeling ill?”

“I'm all right,” answered Bill, “but I hate to see ladies standing.”

* * *

Might Have Been An Arrow.

I sneezed a sneeze into the air;
It fell to ground I knew not where;
But hard and cold were the looks of those
In whose vicinity I snoze.

(Courtesy of “Humorist.”) “So you call this hiking—coming in at two in the morning on all fours!” “Yesh, dear. I'm dog tired.”

(Courtesy of “Humorist.”)
“So you call this hiking—coming in at two in the morning on all fours!” “Yesh, dear. I'm dog tired.”

No Fun.

Two Scotchmen were chatting together, and in the course of conversation, they started talking about smoking.

“There's nae muckle pleasure in it, Jock.”

“How dae ye mak' that oot, Andy?” asked his friend.

“Weel, if ye're smokin' your ain bacca, ye're thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, and if ye're smokin' some ither body's ye're pip's crammed sae tight it winna draw.”

* * *

Deceptive Appearances.

We always called a spade a spade until we hit our foot with one the other day.

Watchful, Too.

Teacher: “What is the feminine of bachelor?”

Boy: “The feminine of bachelor is lady-in-waiting.”

* * *

“An Army Contract.”

“Shine, please, boy,” said the six-foot-five soldier to the shoeblack.

The boy looked down at the vast expanse of boot before him. Then:

“Bert,” he called out to another boy, “Gimme an ‘and—I've got an army contract!”

* * *

Awed Neutrality.

Wife: “Wake up, John! There's a burglar going through your pants pockets.”

Husband (turning over): “Oh, you two just fight it out between yourselves.”

* * *

Flowers for the Living.

The absent-minded professor was busy in his study. “Have you seen this?” said his wife, entering. “There's a report in the paper of your death.”

“Is that so,” returned the professor without looking up. “We must remember to send a wreath.”

* * *

A Budding Engineer.

Tommy, aged fourteen, set out to get a job. He asked a foreman of a local engineering works for one.

“What can you do, Sonny?” asked the foreman.

“Anything,” replied Tommy.

“Can you file smoke?” asked the foreman.

“Yes, sir,” replied Tommy with a grin, “If you'll screw it in the vice for me.”

He got the job!

* * *

Spring Fashions.

A well-dressed woman walked into the milliner's shop and asked for the manageress. “I see from your advertisement,” she said, “that you have just received two thousand hats from Paris.”

“That is so, madam.”

“Good,” said the woman as she removed her hat, “I wish to try them on.”