The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 12 (March 1, 1937)
Goof's Guide to New Zealand
Goof's Guide to New Zealand
Out and About.
Ladiesand gents, meet Mr. Goof, author of On the hoof with Goof and Nutty Notes on fallacious facts.
“We understand, Mr. Goof, that you know New Zealand.”
“Know it! Although I was born here I know it as well as if I were a tourist. I have walked all over its geography, slept on its geology, and been bitten by its entomology. I know it from geysers to oysters, from Ninety Mile Beach to Forty Mile Bush, from Short Reach to long beer, from pub to pub, and from bad to worse. I know every drop of it from D's to T's. I know its Flora and Fauna, and nice girls they are too; many a pint they've twisted for me. I have escaped from Otago in my socks, been blown out of Wellington on my ear, and thrown out of Auckland on my reputation. I have taken the baths at Rotorua, the beer at Waitemata, and the consequences at Mt. Eden. I have been on a bicycle in Christchurch, the water-wagon in Ashburton, and the cadge in Dunedin. I have picked horses at Riccarton and hops at Nelson; caught cod in Pelorus and cold in Parnassus. I have seen Ngaruawahia, heard Ngauruhoe and smelt Ngahauranga. I have had hot tongue at the cold lakes and cold shoulder at the hot springs. I have been empty in the Bay of Plenty and full in Poverty Bay. I …”
“We gather, Mr. Goof, that your knowledge of New Zealand is comprehensive, pervasive and complete.”
“Complete? My information, sir, is more than complete; it exceeds probability and transcends veracity. It is unbelievable.”
“Shoot, Mr. Goof! Tip us the fruits of your mendacity!”
“Will you have it straight, curled, or permanently waved?”
“We are at the mercy of your prevarications, Mr. Goof. We are confident that you know the lie of the land.”
The Lie Of The Land.
“All of them, sir, all of them. Let us begin with Stewart Island, the piece of the southland that escaped from the mainland before the arrival of the first Scots settler; otherwise it would never have escaped. It is separated from Southland by Fouveaux Strait and the fact that there is no free ferry. Its chief industry is oyster-trapping. This is effected by sticking forks in the sand, prong-end up, and strewing the vicinity with plates of vinegar; the oysters in attempting to spring into the vinegar are impaled on the forks. Mutton birds are also snared in meat-safes by hunters disguised in butchers' aprons. Apart from the cries of wounded oysters and the plaintive bleating of imprisoned mutton-birds the island is a veritable garden of eatin’. Next we have Otago, taking care, of course, that Otago doesn't have us first.
Otago is Scottish and the language spoken is Anglo-saxpence. Being the last bit of inhabited country in the world very little can get past it. But the people are noted for their hospitality and welcome the stranger with open cash-registers. The main industry is playing the bagpipes, and the chief recreation is business. Dunedin is a happy city where they toss the caber, and other liquids, in the Octagon, so named because of the prevalence of “Ochs.” The lassies are so bonnie that cosmetic travellers visit Dunedin to refresh their sales-talk.”
Meandering In Mendacity.
Taranaki would have been considerably larger if so much of it had not been jacked up to make Mount Egmont. Still, there is enough left to park the cows. There is even room for a few human beings. The language generally spoken is a mixture of Mookow and Butterphat.
Hawke's Bay is where all the motorcar salesmen go after the wool sales. Napier is its chief city, and Hastings makes all the money. Hawke's Bay is called Hawke's Bay because otherwise you would never guess that there was a bay. But the people are fond of a joke, which probably explains “Waipukurau.”
Auckland, in common with Wellington, can boast of the best harbour in New Zealand. Auckland city is the chief suburb of Auckland Harbour. The people go there to recover from their week-ends. Aucklanders are rightly proud of their city and never tire of the subject although Wellingtonians often do. When they get the proposed bridge across the harbour the city will be practically merged into the suburbs and it will be possible to transact most of the business on the beaches. Upstairs from Auckland is North Auckland, situated on the Bay of Islands where the big fish come to angle for visiting fishermen. This is one of the few spots where sharks are regarded kindly. Ninety Mile Beach, so called because it is seventy miles long, is up there, too. It is a toheroa bed but the toheroas don't get much rest and usually end up in the soup. I could tell you a lot more,” apologised Mr. Goof, taking out his watch, “but I'm due at the Fisherman's Club to give an address on ‘The truth and how to avoid it.”