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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 12 (March 1, 1937)

Out and About

Out and About.

Ladiesand gents, meet Mr. Goof, author of On the hoof with Goof and Nutty Notes on fallacious facts.

“We understand, Mr. Goof, that you know New Zealand.”

“Know it! Although I was born here I know it as well as if I were a tourist. I have walked all over its geography, slept on its geology, and been bitten by its entomology. I know it from geysers to oysters, from Ninety Mile Beach to Forty Mile Bush, from Short Reach to long beer, from pub to pub, and from bad to worse. I know every drop of it from D's to T's. I know its Flora and Fauna, and nice girls they are too; many a pint they've twisted for me. I have escaped from Otago in my socks, been blown out of Wellington on my ear, and thrown out of Auckland on my reputation. I have taken the baths at Rotorua, the beer at Waitemata, and the consequences at Mt. Eden. I have been on a bicycle in Christchurch, the water-wagon in Ashburton, and the cadge in Dunedin. I have picked horses at Riccarton and hops at Nelson; caught cod in Pelorus and cold in Parnassus. I have seen Ngaruawahia, heard Ngauruhoe and smelt Ngahauranga. I have had hot tongue at the cold lakes and cold shoulder at the hot springs. I have been empty in the Bay of Plenty and full in Poverty Bay. I …”

“We gather, Mr. Goof, that your knowledge of New Zealand is comprehensive, pervasive and complete.”

“Complete? My information, sir, is more than complete; it exceeds probability and transcends veracity. It is unbelievable.”

“Shoot, Mr. Goof! Tip us the fruits of your mendacity!”

“Will you have it straight, curled, or permanently waved?”

“We are at the mercy of your prevarications, Mr. Goof. We are confident that you know the lie of the land.”