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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 7 (October 1, 1936)

Wit and Humour

page 65

Wit and Humour

Last be First.

Pat worked at a factory where they encouraged the staff to think of ideas for the smoother running of the business.

One morning he was shown into the chairman's office and announced that he had thought of a way of ensuring that no one would be late in future.

That sounds good,“said the Chairman. “How do you propose to do it?”

“Sure, that's aisy, sir,” said Pat; “the last man in blows the whistle.”

High Finance.

After walking a long distance Pat was feeling very dry, when he saw a milkman in the street and asked the price of milk.

“Sixpence,” replied the milkman.

“Then give us a quart in pints,” said Pat.

After drinking one pint, Pat asked, “How do we stand?”

“I owe yer a pint,” said the milkman.

“And I owe you one,” said Pat, “so we're quits.”

There Ought to Be a Law.

Mistress (discovering butler helping himself from cellarette): “Robert, I am surprised.”

Butler: “So am I, ma'am. I thought you was out.”

His Little Lapse.

“How did Brown's wedding go off?”

“Fine, until the parson asked the bride if she'd obey her husband.”

“What happened then?”

“She replied, ‘Do you think I'm silly?' and the groom, who was in a sort of daze, replied: ‘I do.”

A Benefactor.

Graduate: “Professor, I have made some money, and I want to do something for my old college. I don't remember what studies I excelled in, if any.”

Professor: “In my classes you slept most of the time.”

Graduate: “Fine! I'll endow a dormitory.”

Too Helpful.

Following a local race meeting three farmers in rather merry mood were seen by the porter to be lounging in the country railway station.

The last passenger train for the day was about to depart when the porter remembered the men.

Dashing in, he hustled them on to the platform and did his best to get them into the already slowly moving train. He succeeded in getting two aboard, but the third was left behind.

“There,” he said, “now what are you going to do?”

“Oh, it don't matter,” was the answer, “they only came to sec me off.”

Her “Declining” Years.

Molly: You may not believe it, my dear, but during the past month I have said “No!” to about a dozen men.

Polly: Really? Those hawkers are a nuisance, aren't they?

Maybe He Saw a Robin.

“My dear,” said the loving wife, “the doctor says I must have a change of climate.”

“Well, cheer up,” replied her fond spouse, “spring will soon be here.”

(Courtesy, Great Weestern Railway). Cheeking the first time-table before publlcation.

(Courtesy, Great Weestern Railway).
Cheeking the first time-table before publlcation.

Father Investigates.

From the bedroom of the twin boys came the mingled sounds of loud weeping and hearty laughter, so Father went up to investigate.

“What's the matter tip here?” he inquired.

The joyous twin indicated his weeping brother. “Nothing,” he chuckled, “only Nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any.”

Mutual Affection.

“My rose,” he whispered tenderly, as he pressed her velvet cheek to his.

“My cactus,” she murmured, as she dodged his whiskers.


When George and Robert Stephenson
Were laying mile on mile
Of unexpected railway track
Across our lovely isle,
Their chief concern in those far days
Was “will the darned thing go”;
They didn't worry much for shape
While trains ran to and fro.
To-day, with schedules hotted up
And C.M.E.'s at rest,
The Great God Streamline holds domain
And governs with a zest.
“Less Air Resistance” is his creed;
“Delete all jultings out;
Fit roller bearings; rolling stock
Must taper to a snout.”
The craze runs rife throughout the land,
Remoulding engine, car,
And even fashions (streamlined ties
Are very la-di-da).
Who knows—perhaps this book of ours,
Infected by the germ.
Will cast all precedent aside
Arid emulate the worm.

As “Punch” Sees It.

A train which should have stopped at Queen's Road, Peckhara, the other evening, went on to Peckham Rye instead. The driver seems to have had ideas bevond his station.