“This butter,” said boarder number one at the breakfast table, “is so strong it could walk over and cuss the coffee.”

“It wouldn't do any good,” said boarder number two. “The coffee is too weak to talk back.”

* * *

Scotch Joke No. 7,991,743.

And there was the Scotchman who bought only one spur. He figured that if one side of the horse went the other was sure to follow.

* * *

Doctors Know Best.

Mike, badly injured in an accident, was rushed to a hospital where his wife soon followed. A surgeon went to the ward with her. At the door he saw a sheet was over the patient's body and said to her, “Madam, your husband is dead.”

A voice from under the sheet said, “Naw I'm not.”

The wife replied, “Hush, Mike, the doctor knows best.”

* * *

The Young Generation.

The small boy was making his first acquaintance with stewed figs, which he didn't like.

“Eat up your figs like a good boy,” said his mother.

“I don't like 'em,” he replied. “They're just skins full of full stops.”

The Lovers’ Quarrel.

“Away,” she exclaimed. “Never speak to me again.”

He passed out into the night, but paused as he reached the pavement and drew something from one of his inside pockets. As he did so, the girl uttered a shrill scream and ran towards him.

“Frank,” she cried. “What are you doing? Throw that revolver away and let us forget our quarrel.”

“It isn't a revolver,” he replied as he caught her in his arms. “It's a spanner I borrowed from you the day my bicycle broke down. I've been wearing it next to my heart ever since!”

(By courtesy of the Sydney “Bulletin.”)
“As an engine-driver gents, Bill'd like to stick to the time-table; but as a nartist 'e can't miss that sunset!”

The Star-Carter.

Time: A cold and frosty morning.

Husband (panting from garage into house): “Where's my bag? —got to go by train! —can't get the blinking star to cart!” (Exit, still panting.)

* * *

In English.

Customs Officer (to Chinese immigrant): “What is your name?”

Chinese: “Sneeze.”

“Is that your real name?”

“No. Me translate it into velly good English.”

“Well, what is your native name?”

“Ah Choo.”

A Cook's Retort.

Mistress: I saw the milkman kiss you this morning, Sohpie. Hereafter I'll take the milk in myself.

Cook: It won't do you no good, mum. He's promised not to love nobody but me.

* * *

And Foot-Rail.

A combination corkscrew and compass would be useful.

* * *

Bad Times.

Husband: “I say, if the worst comes to the worst, I suppose we can go and live with your parents?”

Wife: “Not a chance. They're already living with their parents.”

* * *

The Arm of the Law.

Policeman: “Madam, didn't you see me hold up my hand?”

Lady Driver: “I did not.”

Policeman: “Didn't you hear me blow my whistle?”

Lady Driver: “I didn't.”

Policeman: “Well, I might as well go home, I don't seem to be doing much good here.”

* * *

Consolatory.

“How are you getting on keeping bees?”

“Very well. We have not had much honey, but the bees have stung my mother-in-law several times.”

* * *

Calculating the Weight.

“We never needed any of them newfangled scales in Ireland,” said O'Hara. “There's an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and you put it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end of the plank and the stone on the other end and shift the plank until they balance. Then you guess the weight of the stone, and you have the weight of the pig.”

* * *

Just Tossed Then Aside.

Oliver was careless about his personal effects. When mother saw clothing scattered about on chair and floor, she inquired: “Who didn't hang up his clothes when he went to bed?”

A muffled voice from under the blankets murmured, “Adam.”