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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 3 (June 1, 1936)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

For Sleeplessness.

Mark Twain had the best recipe for insomnia. He said: “If you cannot sleep, try lying on the very edge of the bed; you might drop off.”

* * *

The Waiter Explains.

“Waiter! Waiter! What is the meaning of this? There are two flies swimming about in my soup.

“Nonsense, sir. Why, they are both dead.”

* * *

How to Attain Longevity.

It was the oldest inhabitant's hundreth birthday, and the local paper sent a reporter to interview him.

“To what do you attribute your long life?” he was asked.

“To the fact that I was born so long ago,” he replied.

* * *

Oh Dry Those Tears!

Dad: Well, th' cow belongs to th' missus, an' I know she'll sob 'er heart out if I sells 'er.

Buyer: Righto, we'll call the deal off.

Dad: No, make it another quid an' we'll let ‘er sob.’

* * *

Where the Catch Came In.

Applicant: “And if I take the job am I to get a rise in salary every year?”

Employer: “Yes. Provided of course that your work is satisfactory.”

Applicant: “Ah, I thought there was a catch in it somewhere.”

* * *

Eliminating Competition.

Waiter: I'm afraid we can't cash a cheque, sir. You see, we've a little agreement with the banks that we cash no cheques, and they serve no soup.

* * *


Cautious lady (buying a fur coat): “Can I wear this coat in the rain without hurting it?”

Furrier: “Madam, did you ever see a squirrel carry an umbrella?”

* * *

Left Too Soon.

Dean's Wife: “I hope you enjoyed the service, Binstead.”

Butler: “Very much indeed, thank you, madam, but unfortunately I was obliged to leave before the Benedictine.

Settling: an Argument.

A kindly housewife gave one of her home-made puddings to a tramp who called at the house for food. An hour or so later he returned.

“Excuse me calling again, lady,” he commenced, “but would you kindly let me have the recipe for that pudding”

The housewife looked puzzled. “But why do you want it?” she asked.

“To settle an argument,” replied the tramp. “My mate says there's two cupfuls of cement in it, and I say there's three.”

* * *


Interested Passenger (to platform announcer): “I see there are two engines on this train; is that necessary? Annauncer: “Oh, one of them's working back.”

Passenger: “And the other one working forward, I suppose?”

* * *

The Good Old Days.

The following warning to railway travellers appeared ‘in “The Morning Post” in November, 1838:-

“All persons travelling by railway, are strongly recommended not to fix their eyes loo intently on objects which they pass, as doing so is likely to prove both painful and injurious to those most delicate organs. This is especially urged to those who may have a tendency towards a determination of blood to the head as being likely to increase that tendency.”
A Little Relaxation By The Way (Courtesy Great Western Railway).

A Little Relaxation By The Way
(Courtesy Great Western Railway).

When the Squire Came Home.

The Squire, having been absent from home for some months, was met on his return by his chauffeur. “Anything been happening George?” —“Oh, nothing much, sir, except, well, the dog's dead.” — “Oh, I am sorry, Poor Toby. How did that happen?” —“I reckons, sir,‘e got charcoal poisonin”’ — “I say, where did he pick that up?” — “I reckon it was when the garage was burnt down, sir.” — “Good heavens! How did it come to be burned?” —“Well, sir, I think meself, it was the flames spreading from the ‘ouse that did it.” — “Good Lord! Are you telling me that the Hall is burnt out as well? When did that occur?” —“I don't exactly remember the date, sir, but I recollects it was the night your wife ran away with the Major.”

* * *

At a Party.

Old Gentleman (ignorant of nationality of his neighbour): “A deplorable sign of the times is the way the English language is being polluted by the alarming inroads of American slang. Do you not agree?”

His Neighbour: “You sure slobbered a bibful, mister.”

* * *

Worth His Hire.

A man visiting an English country town went to the local barber for a shave. The barber made several slips with his razor, and pasted a small piece of paper over the cut to stop the bleeding. When the operation was over the victim handed the man half-acrown.

“Keep the change, barber,” he said. “It's worth half-a-crown to be shaved by so versatile an artist. Why, you're a barber, butcher and paperhanger all in one.”

* * *

No Sweating.

The well-meaning pedestrian said to the contemptuous sandwich-board man: “Pardon me, but do you know your boards are turned wrong side out?” The contemptuous board man said to the well-meaning pedestrian: “Yer don't suppose I'm goin to work in me lunch hour, do yer?”

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