The Conductor Knew!

Conductor: “Elgin Avenue! Elgin Avenue!” (pronouncing the “g” soft).

Passenger: “You will excuse my mentioning it, conductor, but the correct pronunciation of that word is ‘Elgin,’ with the ‘g’ hard, as in ‘gun.“'

Conductor: “Oh, gin's good enough for the people abaht ‘ere.”

* * *

Proof.

Two small London boys were gazing at the shop windows decorated for Christmas. Presently they came to a butcher's shop, and one of them pointed to a number of hams hanging from a large holly branch. “Look, Tom,” he said. “Look at them ‘ams a-growing up there.”

“Get away,” said the other. “'Ams don't grow.”

“Well, that's all you know about it, “said the first scornfully. “Ain't you ever ‘card of a 'am-bush?”

* * *

Sure It Would.

“Sure,” said Mrs. Flanagan to Mrs. Murphy, “what the mischief's the matter wid ye an’ yer childher?”

“What do ye mane?” replied Mrs. Murphy.

“Why don't you conthrol thim the same as I do mine?” said Mrs. Flanagan.

“Sure,” replied Mrs. Murphy, “that would be like putting wather on a duck's back—in one ear an’ out the other.”

* * *

A Motor Yarn.

“I've had a terrible time with my car.” “Yes?”

“Yes. Bought a carburettor that saved 50 per cent. of petrol, an induction gadget that saved 30 per cent., and a sparking plug that saved 25 per cent., and after I had gone 10 miles my petrol tank was overflowing.

* * *

Imperfect Synchronization.

Boss: “Say what does this mean? Someone called up that you couldn't come to work since you were sick.”

Man: “The joke's on him. He wasn't supposed to call up until tomorrow.”

Envying Sir Isaac.

The teacher was trying to impress on the children how important had been the discovery of the law of gravitation.

“Sir Isaac Newton was sitting on the ground looking at a tree. An apple fell on his head and from that he discovered gravitation. Just think, children,” she added, “isn't that wonderful?”

The inevitable small boy replied: “Yes'm, an' if he had been settin' in school lookin’ at his books, he wouldn't have discovered nothin'.”

* * *

Short Weight.

“I sent my little boy for two pounds of strawberries, and you only sent a pound and a half.”

“My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?”

* * *

She Still Didn't Know.

A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her grand-daughter.

“My dear,” said she, “I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is swell and the other is lousy. Would you promise me that?”

“Why, sure, Granny,” said the girl.

“What are the words?”

—Courtesy, Great Western Railway.
A simple device to enable smokers to smoke in non - smoking compartments without annoyance to the other passengers.

Jimmy's “Good Turn.”

“Well, dad,” said Jimmy, the Scout, at the breakfast table, “I've done my good turn for the day.” “What!” exclaimed his father. “You've been very quick about it. What did you do?” “It was easy,” explained the boy. “I saw old Mr. Brown going for the seven-twenty train, and he was afraid he would miss it, so I let our dog loose, and Mr. Brown got to the station in time.”

* * *

A Soft Job.

The Irish foreman found one of his men sleeping in the shade.

“Slape on, ye idle splapeen,” he said, “slape on. So long as ye slape ye've got a job; but whin ye wake up ye're out of wurrk!”

* * *

A Large Order.

Mactavish: “I see ye're advertisin' life-size enlargements for 7s. 6d.”

Photographer: “Yes, sir!”

Mactavish: “Awheel, ah've brought along ma snap o’ the ‘Queen Mary’.”

* * *

Mutual Congratulations.

In a Lancashire town, the rivalry between the caretakers of two separate chapels was acute. So the first was in great glee when he met the other one Saturday night. “'Ee, lad,” he said, “we've got it over thee now. We've got organ.”

“Then tha on'y wants monkey,” was the curt rejoinder.

“Tha's reet,” said the other; “an tha on'y wants organ.”

* * *

A Slight Error.

Magistrate: “You and your car are a danger to the countryside. This is the sixth person you've knocked down in one year.”

Bright Young Thing: “Pardon me— only the fifth. One of them was the same person twice.”

* * *

A Simple Solution.

Prison Governor, to released convict): “I'm sorry. I find we have kept you here a week too long.”

Convict: “That's all right, sir. Knock it off next time.”