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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 11, Issue 1 (April 1, 1936.)

Wit and Humour Fortune

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Wit and Humour Fortune

Accurate Shooting!

Mike O'Shaw obtained a position at an observatory and spent most of the time watching the professors at the telescopes.

One night a professor walked in, went to a telescope, and began to make observations. Just then a star fell. Mike gasped.

“Begorra, that was a fine shot, sir,” he said with great admiration. “Why, ye hardly had time to take aim at it.”

* * *

Scotch Code.

A Scotsman had to send an urgent telegram, and not wishing to spend more money than necessary wrote like this:

“Bruises hurt erased afford erected analysis hurt too infectious dead.” (Ten words).

The Scotsman who received it immediately decided it was “Bruce is hurt. He raced a Ford. He wrecked it, and Alice is hurt, too. In fact, she's dead.” (Nineteen words).

* * *

A Loyal Toast.

Husband (morning after reunion dinner): “I say, old girl, I've got a large blister on my tongue.”

Wife: “I don't wonder at it. Last night you would insist on drinking my health out of your hot water bottle.”

* * *

Correct!

Examiner: Name three bodies which contain starch.

Candidate: Two cuffs and a shirt front.

* * *

Too Late!

“Bloggs is very absent - minded. The other evening he sat up till midnight trying to remember what it was he wanted to do.”

“Did he remember?”

“Yes, he wanted to go to bed early!”

* * *

All Aboard.

An Irishman got a job at a railway station. When the first train came in, however, he forgot the name of the station, so he called out: “Here ye are for where ye are going. All in there for here, come out.”

Silence in the Court.

Judge: “Now what passed between you and Flannigan?”

Murphy: “Two pairs of fists, one bottle, one hammer and ten bricks.”

* * *

Eyes Right!

Sergeant Murphy (to recruits): “That line is as crooked as a dog's hind leg. Fall out all of you, and have a look at it.”

* * *

Among the Books.

Young Man (in library): “Have you a book called ‘Man, the World's Ruler,’ please?”

Lady Librarian: “You might find it in the fiction department, sir.”

A Broad-Gauge Engine Driver Fraternising With A Narrow-Gauge Engine Driver After An Amicable Settlement of the Dispute (Courtesy Great Western Railway)

A Broad-Gauge Engine Driver Fraternising With A Narrow-Gauge Engine Driver After An Amicable Settlement of the Dispute (Courtesy Great Western Railway)

Mistaken Identity.

“Were you pleased with the new school, little boy?” enquired an interested lady.

“No!” said Johnny. “They made me wash my “face an’ when I went home the dog bit me ‘cause he didn't know me.”

* * *

Obliging an Artist.

Artist: “You must be very careful with that picture, it is not dry yet.”

Porter: “That's alright, sir, I've got an old coat on.”

* * *

Kitchen Hints.

Mrs. Pick: “Your Percy is sulking again, I see. What's wrong this time?”

Mrs. Peck: “Oh, it's too silly. Just because I used his new tennis racket to strain the potatoes.”

Sun vs. Son.

Albert: “Ma, kin I go out in the street? Pa says there is going to be an eclipse of the sun.”

Ma: “Yes, but don't get too close.”

* * *

Bad Luck!

Uncle: “So you finished bottom of the class at spelling to-day?”

Nephew: “Yes, I put too many z's in ‘scissors.“'

* * *

He Thought It All Out!

First Caddie: “What's your man like, Skeeter?”

Second Caddie: “Left-'anded, and keeps ‘is change in ‘is right-and pocket.”

* * *

The Landlord's Dilemma.

The steward of the estate embezzled a large sum of money. “Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman, “Keep him on and deduct the sum from his wages,” said a Scotchman. “But,” said the landlord, “the sum he has embezzled is far bigger than his wages.” “Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman.

* * *

Ready Wit.

Professor Hodgson used to tell about a Scottish minister who went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber, unfortunately, was addicted to the use of whisky, and his hand that day shook so much that a gash was made in the minister's cheek.

“Ah, John, John,” cried the minister, “it's a terrible thing, that whisky.”

To which the barber replied: “Ay, sir, it makes the skin unco tender.”

* * *

On the March.

The new lance-corporal, standing with an instructor, had the men marching away from him. The squad had gone some distance, and it appeared that the corporal did not know how to give the command, “About turn.”

At last, when the men were about a hundred yards away, the exasperated instructor yelled: “For ‘eaven's sake say something, you fool, even if it's only ‘good-bye.“'

Printed by Ferguson & Osborn, Limited, Wellington. Wholesale Distributors: Messrs. Gordon and Gotch (Australasia) Limited, Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin.

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