Ah—If He Could Only Cook.

Head Cook—“Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?”

Assistant—“I did. It was half-past ten.”

* * *

Why Indeed!

“If I'd been offered a plate wi' two cakes on it, I'd have taken the smaller.”

“Weel, an' ye've got it,” replied Jessie's greedy little brother, “so what's a' th' fuss aboot?”

* * *

Just a Correction.

A weary telegraph agent stationed many miles from nowhere in the Sudan, Africa, in the hottest part of summer wired his superior officer: “Please relieve me, can't stay here, am surrounded by lions, elephants, and wolves.” The officer heartlessly wired back: “There are no wolves in the Sudan.” Whereupon the weary one replied: “Referring to my wire of yesterday, cancel wolves.”

* * *

These Modern Contrivances.

When the pithead baths first opened at a certain coal pit, a miner, trying the baths for the first time, was unable to cleanse himself from the coal dust and grime. After a few attempts with the shower spray he called to the attendant, “Hey, Bill! This watter's dirty.” The attendant smilingly replied: “Tha, ad better try takin' thi cap off.”

* * *

Superfluous.

“George, dear, do you remember what Wordsworth said about Daffodils?”

“No. And what's the use of bothering when we pay a gardener?”

* * *

Not Introduced.

Sam (to wife at show): “Mandy, tell dat Niggah to take his arm away from ‘round yo’ waist.”

Mandy: “Tell him yo'self. He's a puffect stranger to me.”

* * *

Court Humour.

Old Lady (only witness of car smash): “They was neither of ‘em to blame. They was both lookin’ the wrong way.”

Feathered Familiarity.

“British Birds” was the Council schoolteacher's subject to his class of small boys, delivered in the open.

Having duly impressed upon his boys the beauty of our wild birds' song in their freedom, and the cruelty of robbing their nests, he proceeded to enumerate various acts of their tameness and approach, when they recognised the donor of tit-bits of their food and water during a dry spell. He was anxious to test their knowledge, so concluded: “Only last week,” said he, “I sat in my suburban garden, under a larch tree bareheaded, when a certain brown bird with a speckled breast actually alighted upon my head. Now, then, which of you can name that bird?”

Swiftly a youthful treble replied: “A woodpecker, sir.”

* * *

In Cellar Cool.

Drunk (to splendidly uniformed bystander): “Shay, call me a cab, will ya?”

Splendidly Uniformed Bystander: “My good man, I am not the doorman; I am a naval officer.”

Drunk: “Awright, then call me a boat. I gotta get home.”

* * *

Fragile Freight.

Nervous Old Lady: “Guard, I hope there won't be any collisions.”

Railway Guard: “Oh, no fear, Madam!”

Old Lady: “I want you to be very careful; I've got two dozen eggs in this basket.”

A Timber Worker.

“Want a job, do you? Have you ever handled timber?”

“Well, I once had a job cutting the sticks for wooden matches.”

Benefits of the Machine Age.

Interested Friend: “I hear you have invented a new machine. What is it?”

Amateur Inventor: “It's a revolving nest. When the hen lays an egg, the nest revolves and the egg falls into a receptacle underneath. The hen turns round, and, seeing no egg, thinks she has made a mistake and promptly sits down and lays another.”

* * *

On The Menu.

“And what,” asked the cannibal chief in his kindest tones,” was your business before you were captured by my men?”

“I was a newspaper man,” answered the captive.

“An editor?”

“Only a sub-editor.”

“Cheer up, young man, promotion awaits you. After supper you shall be editor-in-chief.”

* * *

Explaining an Omission.

The works clerk approached the foreman of the factory. “Any accident to report?” he asked.

“One,” replied the foreman, and handed over the report. It read: Date—November 2. Nature of accident—badly crushed toe. How caused—blow from hammer (accidental). Remarks—.

“Why no remarks?” asked the clerk.

“Well,” said the foreman, “seeing as ‘ow you know Bill, and seeing as ‘ow you know what crushed his toe, ain't you got no imagination?”

* * *

New Year's Day.

Two Scotsmen who had been present at a New Year's party met the following morning, and one said to the other:

“Weel, Donald, and did ye get hame all richt?”

“Aye,” replied Donald, “I got hame all richt, except that just as I was turning the corner a policeman trod on my knuckles.”