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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 10, Issue 2 (May 1, 1935)

Wit And Humour

page 63

Wit And Humour

This Much-Governed Country.

When Lord Ranfurly was Governor of New Zealand his official duties called for much travelling and contact with local and other authorities in every part of the Dominion. It is recalled that one evening in Feilding he looked wistfully along a road that seemed to stretch into infinity. “What is at the end of that road?” he asked of a bystander. “Kimbolton,” was the answer. “Oh,” said Lord Ranfurly; and then, “Has it got a Mayor and Borough Council?”

+ + +

Life's Misfortunes.

The holiday train was crowded. In one coach was a woman accompanied by a little girl and a boy. The children were full of high spirits and gambolled through the coach, much to the annoyance of other passengers. Finally one could stand it no longer.

“Madam,” she said, “if you can't keep your children quiet I shall lodge a complaint.”

The mother sighed.

“Your misfortunes don't compare with mine,” she replied. “My little girl has just swallowed our tickets, the boy has broken a coach window, I've left my purse at home, and we're on the wrong train.”—From “The Santa Fe Magazine.”

+ + +

How Generous!

A tramp entering the gates of a suburban villa knelt down on the lawn and began to eat the grass. The old lady who lived in the villa, noticing the pathetic performance, came out on to the doorstep and said: “My good man, are you so hungry that you are obliged to eat grass?”

“Yes, ma'am,” replied the tramp.

“Oh, dear!” said the lady. “Come round to the kitchen door, the grass is longer there.”

+ + +

No Kick.

Manager: “Vot? You come into zees famous restaurant, drink ze glass of water, an' zen walk calmly out!”

Scot: “Hoot, mon! Did you expect me to stagger oot?”

Little Too Smooth for Comfort.

That a certain young man is wise beyond his years was proved when he paused before answering a widow who had asked him to guess her age.

“You must have some idea,” she said.

“I have several ideas,” said the young man, with a smile. “The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you ten years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence.”

+ + +

Secret of Domestic Peace.

We are an independent pair;
No rift beneath our roof occurs.
Sorrow we spurn, gladness we share—
She goes her way, and I go hers!

+ + +

Too Trusting.

Old man Cohen placed a ladder against the side of the house, then called his son, Abie, aged seven, and after some difficulty got the boy to mount to the top. “Now jump,” commanded Cohen.

“I'm frightened,” said Abie.

Cohen stood underneath, holding out his arms. “Do as papa tells you—jump, papa is here.”

Abie finally did jump. Cohen stepped aside and Abie fell with something of a bump.

“Let that teach you a lesson,” said Cohen, “never to trust anybody!”

A Slip of the Tongue.

The twins had been brought to be christened.

“What names?” asked the clergyman.

“Steak and Kidney,” the father replied.

“Bill!” cried the mother, “it's Kate and Sydney.

+ + +

They Agreed on That.

Three deaf old gentlemen were in a railway carriage on the way to London.

The one nearest the carriage window looked out when the train came to a standstill.

“It's Wembley,” he said.

The second man shook his head.

“No, it's Thursday,” he replied.

“Thirsty?” said the third deaf man.

“So am I. Let's all get out and have a drink.”

+ + +

A Profitable Stutter.

“H-How m-much is th that old c-car?” inquired the man who entered the garage.

The garage owner surveyed it thoughtfully. “Make me an offer,” he said.

The man who stuttered inspected the wreck. “I'll g-give you t-t-tw—”.

The garage owner grew impatient. “I'll take it. Twelve pounds.”

“G-Good!” said the other. “I was t-t-trying to say t-t-twenty.”

The Busy Life. “What day av the week is it Mick?” “Why, Wednesday, av coourse!” “Hauly schmoke! I'll have to hurry!—I t'ought it was Toosday.”

The Busy Life.
“What day av the week is it Mick?”
“Why, Wednesday, av coourse!”
“Hauly schmoke! I'll have to hurry!—I t'ought it was Toosday.”