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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 10, Issue 1 (April 1, 1935)

Wit And Humour

page 61

Wit And Humour

The Prized Autograph.

The scene was a street in London and the time was eleven o'clock on a hot Thursday morning; two navvies of the gas company paused in the sweltering job of digging a deep hole in the road. There passed a labourer who, despite the hour (and day), had obviously “had one”—or two.

Peering over the top of the hole, one of the navvies saw the convivial one and remarked to his pal: “Strewth, 'Arry, there's a bloke wot's canned already.”

“Luv us, so 'e is,” exclaimed 'Arry, and then added in a mixture of mock admiration and envy: “Blimey, 'Erb, get 'is autograph.”

+ + +

Gentlemen of the Jury.

The defendant in the breach of promise action was a singularly ugly little man.

“Gentlemen of the jury,” said his counsel, “you've heard the evidence of the plaintiff, and doubtless you've admired her. Now, do you believe this enchanting, this fascinating, this captivating, this accomplished girl would favour the advances or listen, save with scorn, to the amorous protestations of the wretched and repulsive creature, the deformed and degraded defendant?”

His client tried to interrupt. “Silence, sir!” replied his counsel, in an undertone.

“Gentlemen,” he continued, “do you think this girl would ever have permitted an offer of marriage to be made her by this miserable atom of humanity, who would have to stand on a penny to look over twopence?” The jury thought not.

+ + +

Came the Taxi.

“Would you mind walking the other w'y and not passing the 'orse?” said a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid the minimum fare.

“Why?” she inquired.

‘Because, if 'e sees wot 'e's been carryin’ for a shillin' 'e'll 'ave a fit.”

Why George Didn't Stand Up.

At the breakfast table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk hat to the brother who could truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. “And would you believe it, Mary, not one stood up?”

“George,” his wife said, “why didn't you stand up?”

“Well,” he replied, “I was going to, but you know, dear, I look so funny in a silk hat.

Says the Dove of Peace.

Mrs. Higgins and Mrs. Brown, after a quarrel, were making up at the ladies' bar.

“Well, Mrs. Iggins,” said Mrs. Brown, “I bears yer no malice.” She raised her glass.

‘So 'ere's lookin’ at yer, an' 'eaven knows that's a heffort!”

+ + +

She Should!

Judge: “Do you know the meaning of an oath, madam?”

Witness (proudly): ‘Your Honour! An’ me husband shippin' before the mast these fifteen years!”

Popping the Question.

Nervous suitor: Sir—er—that is, I would like to—er—that is, I mean I have been going with your daughter for five years—

Father: Well, waddye want—a pension?

+ + +


Professor (to mother of College student): “Your son has a great thirst for knowledge. Where does he get it?”

Mother: “He gets the knowledge from me and the thirst from his father.”

+ + +

A Pressing Invitation.

A widower was to be married for the third time, and his bride had been married once before. The groom-elect wrote across the bottom of the invitation to a friend:

“Be sure to come. This is no amateur performance.”

+ + +

The Difference.

He was an enthusiastic but unskilful golfer.

“You know,” he confided to his caddie, “I seem to be improving. Can you see any difference?”

“Yus,” replied the fed-up caddie, “you've 'ad yer 'air cut.”

At the Time of the Flood. Proud “used-car” owner: “Well how's this for smooth riding? Almost think we were running on air, wouldn't you?”

At the Time of the Flood.
Proud “used-car” owner: “Well how's this for smooth riding? Almost think we were running on air, wouldn't you?”

page 62