Utopia!

Mike: “This is a great country, Pat.”

Pat: “And how's that?”

Mike: “Sure, th' paper sez yez can buy a five-dollar money order for three cents.”

* * *

Needless Uneasiness.

Sandy McPherson was travelling to Glasgow, and on the way he felt thirsty, so he took out a bottle and drew the cork. Just as he was about to take a taste, a fellow passenger in clerical garb addressed him:

“Excuse me, sir, but I am sixty-five years of age, and I have never tasted a drop of whiskey.”

“Dinna worry yerself',” said Sandy, “you're no' gaun tae start noo.”

* * *

Printers' Errors.

Some of the errors made in printing a newspaper make it easy to understand why an editor may suddenly leave town.

The flower show had been a great success, and a few evenings later Mr. Blank, who had performed the opening ceremony, was reading the local paper's report of it to his wife.

Presently he stopped reading, his justifiable pride turning to anger. Snatching up his stick, he rushed from the room. Amazed, his wife picked up the newspaper to ascertain the reason of her husband's fury.

She read: “As Mr. Blank mounted the platform all eyes were fixed on the large red nose he displayed. Only years of patient cultivation could have produced an object of such brilliance.”

From a Testimonial.

“The first time I tried my hand at decorating I used your enamel, and I have stuck to it ever since.”

* * *

Matrimonial.

“Gentleman (35), good position, bachelor, honourable intentions, strictest confidence to replies, would like to meet refined lady; one deaf or slightly deaf preferred.”

* * *

Family Names.

Visitor: “What a big family you have, Mrs. Jones.”

Mrs. Jones: “Yes'm, and the funny thing is that all their names begin with a haitch. There's 'Orace, 'Erbert, 'Enry, 'Ugh, 'Ubert, 'Arold, 'Arriet, and 'Etty—all except the last one, and we 'ad 'er named Halice.”

* * *

Husbands to Spare.

Mrs. Reed (with newspaper): “It says here that a woman in Europe has just cremated her third husband.”

Miss Willing: “Isn't that just my luck? Some of us can't get husbands and other women have them to burn.”

Force Of Habit
The fireman takes a taxi.