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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 4, Issue 12 (April 1, 1930)

Wit And Humour

page 56

Wit And Humour

The Face at the Window.

The train came through the rain into the station. Doors closed, passengers alighted; there was all the bustle of entraining and detraining. An anxious face appeared at one of the windows, and a voice called: “Porter!” “Sir?” “What station is this?” “What station do you want, sir?” “What stations have you got?” The train moved on; the perplexed official standing upon the platform gazed with open mouth upon the receding face of the traveller, which glowed benevolently upon him, like a red and setting sun.

* * *

A Diligent Guard.

The Express was about to start when an old lady ran on to the platform in breathless haste. The guard pounced upon her in a trice, fairly lifted her into a carriage, and as he slammed the door the train moved out of the station.

The first stopping-place was sixty miles down the line, and when the train arrived the guard saw the old lady getting out of her carriage in a state of indignation.

“You almost missed it, ma'am,” he said.

“Missed it!” burst out the old lady. “I only wanted to post a letter in the late-fee box in the train, and now you've brought me here.”

* * *

Had to Hurry.

Judge (sternly): “Well, what's your excuse for speeding sixty miles an hour?”

Victim: “I had just heard, Your Honour, that the ladies of my wife's church were holding a rummage sale and I was hurrying home to save my other pair of trousers.”

Judge: “Case dismissed.”

* * *

Whale-Bones.

“You, boy over in the corner!” Thus the brutal examiner to the nervous-looking pupil in the class. The boy over in the corner shot up like a bolt. “Answer this,” continued the examiner. “Do we eat the flesh of the whale?”

“Y-y-yes, sir,” faltered the scholar.

“And what do you do with the bones?”

“P-p-please, sir,” responded the nervous one, with chattering teeth, “we 1-leave them on the s-side of our p-plates.”

A Financial Recovery. “I thought you were too ill to get out of bed?“ “And so I am—but six shillings in the pound, Ike!— how could I stay in bed?”

A Financial Recovery.
“I thought you were too ill to get out of bed?“
“And so I am—but six shillings in the pound, Ike!—
how could I stay in bed?”

Safety First.

“How do you guard against microbes?”

“First I boil all my water.”

“Yes, and then?”

“I filter it.”

“Yes, and then?”

“I always drink beer.”

* * *

A Hint to Motorists.

Driver of old car (after roadside halt): “You don't notice that knock in the engine so much now, do you?”

Friend: “No. How did you fix it?”

Driver: “Oh, I just loosened one of the mudguards.”