All Out After It.

On the occasion of a Flag Day in Aberdeen there was a great exodus from the city. Thirteen passengers were in one compartment of an outward-bound train, and being superstitious, they decided to toss a sixpence in order to determine which one should leave the carriage at the next stop. While tossing the sixpence it unfortunately fell out of the window, with the result that the thirteen passengers were killed by a train coming from the opposite direction.

* * *

Reasonable Request.

Son: “Dad, let's buy a new car?”

Dad: “Wait till I've had a ride in the old one, will you.”

* * *

Cut Out the Science.

“Now, Mary, when you bathe the baby, be sure and use the thermometer to test the water.”

Returning an hour later, the mistress asked: “Did you use the thermometer?”

“No, ma'am. I can tell without that. If it's too hot, the baby turns red, and if it's too cold, he'll turn blue.”

* * *

A student failed in all five subjects he took. He telegraphed to a brother: “Failed in five. Prepare papa.” The brother telegraphed back: “Papa prepared; prepare yourself.”

* * *

A Generous Gardener.

Jones (addressing neighbour's fowls): “Now, which seeds would you like first? I've got nasturtiums, sweet peas, broad beans, gladioli, and calceolarias.”

“Have you ever been in a railway accident?”

“By jove, rather. I remember one day when I went through a tunnel and kissed the father instead of the daughter.”

* * *

Table Talk.

Whilst lunching in the Louis XVIth. restaurant car of the “Flying Scotsman” recently, the following conversation took place:—

Well-meaning male companion: “Do you realise you are travelling on a most historic and world-famous train? This train is 66 years old.”

Lady: “I think it is in remarkably good condition.”

* * *

Calamitous.

American (at Scottish football game): “Why don't they start? They ought to have kicked off half an hour ago.”

Scotsman: “Aye, something serious has happened.”

American “Not a player taken off ill?”

Scotsman: “No, worse than that. They canna find the penny they tossed up with.”

* * *

The Mutton-head.

“Why, dad, this is roast beef,” exclaimed Willie at dinner one evening, when a guest of honour was present.

“Of course,” said his father. “What of that?”

“Why, you told mother this morning that you were going to bring an old mutton-head home for dinner.”

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