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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 4, Issue 2 (June 1, 1929.)

Wit and Humour and Humour

page 49

Wit and Humour and Humour

Intolerable.

A minister, in addressing his flock, began: “As I gaze about. I see before me a great many bright and shining faces.” Just then eighty-seven powder-puffs came out.

* * *

A Bad Start.

He was visiting a maiden aunt. Said she: “And what brought you up to London, George?” “Oh,” said he, “I came up to town to see the sights, so thought to myself, I would call on you first.”

* * *

Raising the Limit.

“I'se for a five-day week. How 'bout you, Sam?”

Sam: “I'se for a five-day week-end.”

* * *

A Heart Was Shattered.

Mistress: “Did I hear you break something in the kitchen just now?”

Servant (with some emotion): “Yes'm—my (sniff) engagement with the milkman!”

* * *

Our Stony Planet.

“This is a hard world,” said Pat, as he knocked off for the day.

“Yis,” said Mike, “Oi be thinkin' the same thing ivery toime I put me pick in it.”

* * *

Nipped in the Bud.

Employee: “I came to ask if you could raise my salary.”

Boss: “This isn't pay day.”

Employee: “I know that, but I thought I would speak about it to-day.”

Boss: “Go back to work and don't worry. I've managed to raise it every week so far, haven't I?”—(Sydney Bulletin.)

* * *

The Lady: “Are you sure you've got everything, Harold” Harold (bitterly): “Everything, m'dear, with the trifling exception of the piano and the mortgage on the house.”

The Lady: “Are you sure you've got everything, Harold” Harold (bitterly): “Everything, m'dear, with the trifling exception of the piano and the mortgage on the house.”

Howlers.

A lock-out is a man who comes home too late.

Snoring is letting off sleep.

A barrister is a thing which is put up in the street to keep the crowds back.

With a view to comparing old-time means of transport with present-day facilities, a class was invited to write an imaginary dialogue between a cab-horse and an aeroplane. This is how one boy opened: Horse: “What is that blasted thing up in the air?”

In the eighteenth century travelling was very romantic, most of the high roads were only bridal paths.

What is the correct name for a five-shilling piece? A bob.

The White Feather. A feather that is white in colour as a White Leg Horn's is.

The embalmed body of an Egyptian is called a dummy.

A knave is a man which works on the tramlines.

* * *

From a boy's letter to his chum: “You know Bob Jones's neck? Well he fell in the river up to it.”