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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 3, Issue 11 (March 1, 1929)

Joke Wit And Humour

page 57

Joke Wit And Humour

Overheard in the Train.

Two ladies travelling on a South Island train were discussing a recent radio concert and the elocutionary ability of a certain artist who invariably gives a consummate rendering of the masterpieces of the immortal Robert Burns.

“Oh yes,” said lady No. 1. “His execution last night was simply divine.”

“What did he recite—was it the 'Cotter's Saturday Night'?” asked lady No. 2.

Driver of express (to countryman who has pulled him up at level crossing): “What's the matter, you idiot? I'm twenty minutes late already.” Countryman: “Oi know that! Where's tha been, chum?”

Driver of express (to countryman who has pulled him up at level crossing): “What's the matter, you idiot? I'm twenty minutes late already.”
Countryman: “Oi know that! Where's tha been, chum?”

“Oh, no!” was the reply. “It was in the middle of the week!”

* * *

Some Going.

“Good morning, parson,” exclaimed the retired sea captain; “I haven't seen you lately.

“No, captain, I've been very busy. Only this morning I married three couples in fifteen minutes.”

“Smart going parson! That's twelve knots an hour!”

* * *

Not Very Definite.

Landlord: “In one word, when are you going to pay your arrears?”

Hard-up Author: “I will satisfy your demands as soon as I receive the money which the publisher will pay me if he accepts the novel I am about to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration.”

* * *

What's in a Name!

A woman entered a savings bank and placed £10, which she wished to deposit, in front of the receiving clerk. He pushed out the book for her signature and said:

“Sign on this line, please, madam?”

“My whole name?”

“Yes, please.”

“Before Oi was married?”

“No, just as it is now.”

“And my husband's name?”

“Sign your name, Mrs. and your husband's name; or Mrs., your Christian name and then your husband's name; or Mrs. and your husband's full name; or merely sign your Christian name and your husband's surname. Write it as is your usual habit of signing.”

“But, sorr, Oi can't wroite,” replied the woman.

* * *

Smith: “It is not the cost of the car that worries the average motorist, but the upkeep.”

Jones: “And sometimes the turnover.”

* * *

He Did.

“You tell me,” said the judge, “that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor car. Could you swear to the man?”

“I did,” returned the complainant eagerly, “but he didn't stop to hear me.”

* * *

He Knew.

Accused (to a certain magistrate): “To be quite candid, I had a little more than was good for me. Consequently my feet were straying, my legs betrayed me, and my head; but there—you know how it gets you!”

* * *

Interested.

Mabel had gone to the art exhibit. Not that she cared for pictures, but everyone went. A friend saw her and told another friend. Friend No. 2 met her a few days later. “Why, hello, Mabel! I'm awfully glad to see you. I hear you are interested in art.” “Me? Art' who?”

page 58