Schoolboy Howlers.

All the world, except the United States, lies in the temperance zone.

The sun never sets on the British Empire, because the Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Henry VIII. was very cruel to Anne Boleyn and ironed her. (The history said “He pressed his suit on her.”)

Shakespeare lived at Windsor with his merry wives.

The king wore a scarlet robe trimmed with vermin.

Wolsey saved his life by dying on his way from York to London.

After twice committing suicide, Cowper lived till 1800, when he died a natural death.

Barbarians are things put into bicycle wheels to make them run smoothly.

A Soviet is a cloth used by waiters in hotels (a serviette).

* * *

Mary had a little lamb,
One day she clipped its tresses,
And found she had sufficient wool
For fifteen modern dresses.

* * *

A Reporter's Brevity.

Brevity is the soul of modern journalism. A budding journalist was told never to use two words where one would do. He carried out this advice in his report of a fatal accident thus:

“John Dixon struck a match to see if there was any petrol in his tank. There was. Aged 56.”

Not a Toot Allowed.

An old lady very hard of hearing brought an ear-trumpet into church. The church officer not having seen an ear-trumpet before thought it was a musical instrument. He therefore kept a stern eye on the old lady. When the sermon commenced the old lady put the trumpet to her ear. The officer stepped to her side and said: “Now look here, ma'am, one toot on that bugle and out you go.”

* * *

Protest in Either Case.

One of a party of men left his corner seat in an already crowded railway compartment to go into the dining-car. As customary, he left a rug in his seat as a mark that it was reserved. On returning he found that in spite of the rug and the protests of his fellow-passengers the seat had been usurped by a woman. With flashing eyes she turned upon him:

“Do you know, sir, that I am one of the directors’ wives?”

“Madam,” he replied, “were you the director's only wife, I should still protest.”

* * *

Home, Sweet Home.

Judge: “With what instrument or article did your wife inflict these wounds on your face and head?”

Mickey: “Wid a motty, yer Hanner.”

Judge: “A what?”

Mickey: “A motty—wan of thim frames wid ‘God bless our Home’ in it.”

* * *

Not up to the Minute.

The porter at a small country station owned a watch of which he was exceedingly proud. He claimed that for years it had neither lost nor gained a second.

Early one morning he was seen standing on the platform with his watch in his hand gazing somewhat anxiously towards the east.

“What is the matter?” asked an early-rising traveller.

“Well,” replied the porter, “if the sun isn't over that hill in half a minute he'll be late.”

“What are you going to do for a living?”

“Write.”

“Write what?”

“Home!”