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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 8 (January 15, 1927)

Wit And Humour

page 25

Wit And Humour

The Advance Of Science.

The doctor told her that what she needed was a good hearty meal at night and then to stop thinking about her stomach. “But, doctor, only two months ago you told me to avoid dinner at night, and to take a light supper instead.”

“Oh, did I?” replied her medical adviser, reflectively. “Well, that shows what marvellous strides medical science is making!”

* * *

Knowledge Needed

Street Orator: “It's knowledge we want! Ask the av'ridge man when Magna Carta was King of England — and ‘e can't tell yer!”

* * *

Thrills!

Thrills!

Trespass

A little fellow left in charge of his tiny brother called out, “Mother, won't you please speak to baby? He's sitting on the flypaper and there's a lot of flies waiting to get on.”

* * *

Apparently

She: “I wouldn't even consider marrying you, you are impossible. You are the most stupid and idiotic creature on earth. You are repulsive and miserable. I would not marry you if you were the last man on earth. I hate and despise you. You are despicable.”

He: “Do I understand that you are rejecting my proposal?”

* * *

What A Charge.

The attorney for the gas company was making a popular address. “Think of the good the gas company has done!” he cried. “If I were permitted a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, ‘Honour the Light Brigade.’”

Voice of a consumer from the audience: “Oh, what a charge they made!”

What Carbine Missed!

The following interesting piece of correspondence is recorded to show how time may be wasted by failure to apply the principles of common-sense to a simple query.

The white copy of a Guard's P.—9 ticket showed no amount paid, whereas the yellow original indicated 7d. in the paid column. When the Stationmaster referred the matter to the Guard concerned asking for an explanation of the difference, the reply sent was, “The difference between Guard's and passenger's copies is this: The Guard's copie is a yellow ticket with Guard's ticket written across it, and the passenger's ticket is a plain white one.’ On being pressed further the following reply was extracted: — “The carbine must of been folded therefor causing it to miss.”

* * *

Another Lydy.

The house surgeon of a London Hospital was attending to the injuries of a poor woman whose arm had been severely bitten. As he was dressing the wound, he said: “I cannot make out what sort of animal bit you. This is too small for a horse's bite, and too large for a dog's.” “Oh, sir,” replied the patient, “it wasn't an animal; it was another lydy.”

* * *

Let Them All Come.

Doctor (to patient): “Your case is a serious one sir, and I think a consultation had better be held.”

Patient (too sick to care for anything). “Very well, doctor, have as many accomplices as you like.