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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 7 (December 15, 1926)

Wit And Humour

page 84

Wit And Humour

Unsocialised Weather.

Lambert Caspers, a Chieago attorney, told this story at a recent Y.M.C.A. banquet:—

A Kansas farmer, a Dane, applied for naturalisation papers. The judge asked him:

“Are you satisfied with the general conditions of the country?”

“Yas,” drawled the Dane.

“Does the government suit you?” queried the judge.

“Yas, yas; only I would like to see more rain,” replied the farmer.

* * *

A woman and her daughter were at sea during rough weather. After a silence of some time the mother asked, “Are you seasick, dear?”

“No, I think not,” replied the daughter; “but I'd hate to yawn.”

* * *

Sociability Vain.

First Motorist: “I thought you said if I were sociable with the judge I should get off?”

Second Motorist: “Were you?”

First Motorist: “Yes; I said, “Good morning; how are you to-day?' and he replied: ‘Fine-£5.’”

* * *

The Christmas RushBy H. M. Bateman How the half-back got left

The Christmas Rush
By H. M. Bateman
How the half-back got left

The Greatest Curse.

The Duke de Stacpole, head of a distinguished Irish family, writes in his “Irish and Other Memories”—“An old story is told in connection with the national failing. ‘Drink!’ said the preacher, ‘is the greatest curse to our country. It makes ye quarrel with yer family. It makes ye hate yer neighbours. It makes ye shoot at yer landlord. And it makes ye miss him.’”

* * *

Blood Thicker Than Water.

A London taxi-driver, putting on a spurt to reach a railway at a certain time ran down a eart, upsetting the contents. A police constable, confronting the taxi-driver, demanded his name.

“Michael O'Brien,” eame the reply.

P.C.: “Indeed. That's my name, too. Where do y' come from?”

T.D.: “Cork.”

P.C.: “And so do I. Now just stand there a moment while I go over and charge this man with backing into ye.”

* * *

An old lady, leaving church after a service which had been attended by a crowded congregation, was heard to say: “If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors.”

* * *

Looking for a Reward.

Algy's Mother:” I suppose yer getting' a good fee, sir, fer attendin' to the rich Smith boy?”

Doctor: “Well, yes. I get a pretty good fee; but why do you ask?”

Algy's Mother: “Well I ‘ope you won't forget that my little Algy threw the brick what ‘it ‘im.”

* * *

Dean Inge, of St. Paul's, the famous publicist who went on a lecture tour to America, brought back this clerical gem:

A man quite tipsy sagged down on the lobby lounge beside a dignified clergyman.

“Thishs fine hotel,” he began.

“Yes, I find it very comfortable.”

“Whatja say to having a drink?” asked the boozy one genially.

The clergyman's face set severely. “No thank you, I never touch the vile stuff.”

“Shay!” exclaimed the other, “whatja givin' me? You gotcha collar on backwards now!”