Merely Ornamental.

“They tell me you have a model husband Mrs. Hicks.”

“Yes, sir, but ‘e ain't a working’ model.”

* * *

This is the way to write a thoroughly angry business letter:—

“Sir,—My typist, being a lady, cannot take down what I think of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot write it. You, being neither, can guess it all.”

The Worst Averted.

The superintendent of a railroad had issued strict orders instructing stationmasters along the line to report all accidents or near-accidents immediately. The next day he received the following telegram:—

“Man fell off platform in front of engine. Will wire details later.”

Five minutes later the details came over the wire.

“Everything O.K. Nobody hurt. Engine was going backward.”

* * *

“Describe water, Johnny,” said the teacher.

“Water,” explained Johnny, after a lengthy pause, “is a white fluid that turns black when you put your hands in it.”

* * *

Agricultural.

Sweet Young Thing: “Why are you running that steam-roller over that field?”

Farmer: “I'm going to raise mashed potatoes this year.”

* * *

“Look here,” said the old lady, “do you want a meal badly enough to work for it?”

“To tell the truth, mum, I'm just hungry,” he answered, “not desperate.”

Could any one be meaner than the man who, hearing last Monday that his baby boy had swallowed a halfpenny, said, “Let him have it. Next Thursday is his birthday, anyhow.”

* * *

A Hard One.

Effie: “Why hasn't Daddie much hair?”

Mother: “Because he thinks a lot, darling.”

Effie (pause): “But why have you got such a lot Mummie?”

Mother: “Get on with your breakfast!”

* * *

“Will you please drive off the track?” asked the engine driver. The truck driver promptly moved over.

“Thank you ever so much,” said the engineman, with a smile.

“You're very welcome,” responded the truck driver, “but you must pardon my seeming carelessness. I had no idea you were so near.”

* * *

Electrician (from top of building from which four wires dangled):

“Bill, catch hold of two of them wires.”

Bill: “Right!”

Electrician: “Feel anything?”

Bill: “No.”

Electrician: “Well, don't touch the other two —there's 2,000 volts in them.”

* * *

“Would you mind, sir, lending me your spectacles?” asked a railway traveller of the affable old gentleman in the corner seat. The request was politely granted. “And now, sir,” said the borrowing one, pocketing the glasses, “since you can no longer see to read, would you mind lending me your ‘Railway Magazine?’”