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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 5 (September 24, 1926)

Wit And Humour

page 45

Wit And Humour

Joke

A Thrifty Wife.

The thrifty old Scots wife tended her man who was nearing his end. Unfortunately she had to leave him alone while she went for the provisions in the evening. Before going she lighted the candle at the bedside, and said to him: “Now, Donald, I'll no' be lang gane, but if ye feel yersel' slipping awa'—juist snuff oot the caunle!”

* * *

Foolosophy.

Sleep like a log, but don't saw it.

Said the raindrop to the particle of dust: “This settles you. Your name is mud.”

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If it wasn't for the oil can, the engine would bust.

A little mountain dew always helps the wild oat crop.

His face was a striking one, and even without his clothes people would have turned to look at him.

There's many a slip between the cop and the nip.

Liquid assets nowadays might refer to several things.

“If you refuse me I will die.”—She refused. Sixty years later he died.

Don't get hot under the collar. You ask us what we did with your poem entitled “An Ode to Oblivion.” The reply is—it reached its destination.

* * *

Hints For Bachelors' Breakfasts.

Fried Eggs.—A simple dish, yet nourishing. How they should be treated. Break the egg, heat it, and eat it.

Fried Sausages.—Otherwise known as hot dogs, are best cooked like eggs.

Fried Onions—Give off a savoury odour at breakfast time and their strength varies in direct ratio to the amount of Spanish in their composition. They may be cooked like fried sausages.

Fried Fish.—The favourite food for Fridays. Robinson Crusoe proved it so. May be bought either as whole fish or filleted. The simplest method is to buy it ready fried.

No Pacifists Among Them.

Mrs. O'Flaherty and Mrs. Finnerty were having a little talk, Mrs. O'Flaherty belonging to the newly rich.

Mrs. Finnerty said to Mrs. O'Flaherty:

“Who were your ancestors?”

“Ancisters, what d'ye mean?”

“Why, who did you sphring from?”

“I would have you know Mrs. Finnerty that the O'Flahertys sphring from no wan; they sphring at them.”

* * *

Excited man (to taxi driver):—“My mother-in-law must catch that train, driver, so hurry up.”

The driver: “You can count on me sir, I shall drive as if she were my own.”

* * *

Master Willie, aged nine, came sniffling into the presence of his father.

“What's the matter with you?” demanded the parent. Willie stifled a sob. “I've just had a terrible scene with your wife,” he said.

* * *

The School For Practical Economics.
On the Family Budget.

The average distance which the Railway Department has to haul the wheat and flour consigned to its care is 63 miles, and the classified rate per ton for goods of this description conveyed the average distance is 11/- (although the average receipt is somewhat less). Assuming that the 2 lbs. of flour which goes to the making of the usual loaf had to be carried twice—once in the form of wheat, and again in the shape of flour, the freight payable would be 4/2240 × 11/-, or practically 1/4d.

This fact gives point to the following story from a recent exchange:—

Teacher: “Willie, a loaf of bread now costs sixpence. Of this, the Railway receives one farthing for hauling the wheat to the mills and the flour to the bakery. Now tell the class, how much would a loaf of bread cost if the Railway hauled the wheat and flour for nothing?”

Willie: “Sixpence.”

Teacher: “Correct, go up top.”