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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 3 (July 24, 1926)

Wit And Humour

page 47

Wit And Humour

A large sunfish, weighing about a ton and a half, has been washed up at Hokitika. One theory is that it had heard of the activities of a distinguished American novelist fisherman, and stranded itself to avoid capture.

* * *

Teacher: “Willie, you're late again, there's no excuse for it.”

Willie: “No sir. I've been standing outside for ten minutes trying to think of one.”

* * *

City girl (staying at farm): “That bull always seems so savage when I go near him.”

Farmer: “It must be on account of that red dress you are wearing.”

City girl: “Well, I know it's terribly out of fashion, but I didn't think a country bull would notice it!”

* * *

Just Meat.

The way that one thing leads to another is exemplified by the following story of a way-back farmer whose cow was killed by straying on the railway line. The loss of the cow led him to think of the insecurity of life's tenure and how the best laid schemes of cows and men gang aft agley, so he obtained two forms-one a claims schedule against the Railway, and the other a life insurance proposal.

In filling in the replies to queries he perpetrated the following:-

Re Insurance: Born! Yes.

Business? Poor.

Re Cow: Disposition of the carcase? Kind and gentle.

Hump Shunting In Arabia (Mr. S. E. Fay will write on “Hump Shunting” in an early issue)

Hump Shunting In Arabia
(Mr. S. E. Fay will write on “Hump Shunting” in an early issue)

Abe's children (returning home with father) “Fader, ve vant a ride.”

Abe (hailing bus conductor): “How much for my Abe and Rachel to Commercial Road?”

Conductor: “Nothing, if they're under five years old.”

“Right you are. Drop 'em at de bottom of Commercial Road. I'll walk.”

* * *

Mr. Wood: “How is Mr. Stone and all the little pebbles?”

Mr. Stone: “Oh, quite well, thank you, and how is Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?”

* * *

Teacher: Here, you young rascal! Why did you put this pin in my chair?

Bright Pupil: “I was just showing the class how nerve impulses are sent to the brain.”

* * *

A Miracle.

An amusing story is told by Mr. Oswald Williams, the well-known illusionist, concerning a conjurer who had been prevailed upon to come down from London to assist in a charity concert at the village hall.

When the time arrived for him to occupy the stage he chose a thorough specimen of the “country bumpkin” type to assist him, of whom he made great fun during his performance. But the country man got his own back when it came to producing rabbits.

“Now,” announced the conjurer, “I am going to produce a rabbit out of this gentleman's inside jacket pocket.”

The other grinned broadly. “That'll be a miracle,” he said. “I've got a ferret in there.”