page 22

Act Two Scene Two

The curtain rises Upon a stage bare except for A red step ladder labelled 'The Russian Steppes' and a signpost in the centre, one arm of which reads 'To the Graveyard of Reaction', and the other of which reads 'To the Minx of the Kremlin - 7 Versts'. The rear half of the stage is hidden by the centre curtain. The orchestra strikes up the air of the opening chorus, and the Chief Zombies, and Aplop and Hisleton, enter, wearily. They are in the last stages of exhaustion.)

Chorus - Zombies and Mares

(Air - I've got spurs that Ingle-Jangle-Jingle')

We've got beards that dangle dingle dangle,
As we go riding wearily along;
And they get into an awful tangle
For the wind on the Steppes is very strong.

Oh, mighty Minx!
Your country stinks!
For the weather is atrocious
And the worker really thinks.

We've got beards that dangle dingle dangle,
As wo go riding wearily along;
And they get into an awful tangle,
For the wind on the Steppes is very strong.

Jonnalio

(reading the signpost) 'To the Minx of the Kremlin - 7 versts'. How far is a verst?

Sidi

I don't know. We don't seem to have got very far today anyway.

Bodkin.

Oh well - every little helps as the lady said when she cried into the sea.

Sidi

Let's sit down, Zombies. (They do so). Anyway Bare Bodkin, you can talk about not getting very far. You would'nt have been here at all unless we'd rescued you from that trouble you got into in Egypt.

Bodkin

(Querulously) Well, how the hell did I know that Egyptian girl would become a Mummy?

Sidi

You know, Comrades, I'm beginning to get a little frightened. I've been reading up some reliable literature on this country, and I find this Minx isn't at all a nice sort of person.

Jonnalio

Who have you been reading?

Sidi

Oh Eugene Lyons, Leon Trotsky, Jan Valtin, W.H. Chamberlin, other works prescribed by Professor Pipson for the Political Science course and the lurid memoirs of six exiled Russian Princesses. All very reliable - they're our sort, you know. It seems this Minx shoots people all the time, and makes them confess to hideous crimes she really does herself. She then eats them.

Scrimgeourella

A bolshevik pistol packin' momma, eh?

Aplop and Hiselton

Does she shoot horses?

Sidi

No she collectivises them. Anyway - surely she would'nt be so barbarous as to eat us. - at least not without vegetables anyway.

Doidger

We're much too tough

Sidi

Well, comrades, I suppose we'd better get some sleep. Night is falling. (There is a crash off stage and the lights suddenly become dim). I beg your pardon - night has fallen. They do things in a hurry in this country.

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page 23

The Zombies, Aplop and Hisleton settle themselves down for the night in ludicrous postures.)

Sidi

(dreamily) To sleep, perchance to dream ... You know, I can't get those poor exiled Princesses out of my mind. I can't help thinking of all those poor fifth columnists who got shot.

(Some of the Zombies begin to snore loudly).

Sidi

(Yawning) I'll bet she lives - in a great red room - with people getting shot all the time - to sleep - to sleep - perchance to dream - to dream ...

(his voice fades off, and there is a complete blackout. The orchestra suddenly gives vent to a hideous discord, and then follows it up with a discordant medley of Russian songs. The lights suddenly switch one. The Zombies, the signpost, and the stepladder have disappeared, and the centre curtains have parted, to display in all its glory, the abode of the Minx of the Kremlin. The room is decorated throughout in vivid red, and hung with rich red velvet hangings. In the right hand corner is a counter, rather like a bar, with a notice 'Confessions Received here, 8am to 5pm.' Behind the counter sits a girl. If possible, huge caricatures of Russian notabilities should be hung on the walls, and dozens of banners and slogans. The whole effect should be as bizarre and garish as possible. Above the Confessional Counter is an arm pointing to the exit right - labelled 'To the Shooting Gallery'. At the rear are ten tables, each with a typewriter and a swivel chair. Ten Gremlins of the Kremlin are seated at the tables Typing in Time to the Music of the Opening Chorus. The Gremlins are females dressed in ragged red dresses, with no shoes or stockings. To the left is a large red-draped throne. The orchestra strikes up a swing version of 'Through the Night of Doubt and Sorrow'. The girls advance to the footlights, each carrying a bottle of vodka. The verses of the following song are spoken through the music.

Chorus of Kremlin Grmelins

1st Grenlin	Typistes we From Tartary With rather knobbly knees; Our bosom warms Towards the swarms Of workers overseas
2nd Gremlin	In our gait We emulate A sailing ship in motion; We quench the fires Of our desires For love's a bourgeois notion.
Chorus (singing)	Comrades, then sing hail to Vodka Its the finest of the drinks! Hail, the only consolation Of the Minions of the Minx.
3rd Gremlin	In a queue From ten to two We wait to get our bread; we have no busts And live on crusts And wish that we were dead.
4th Gremlin	Our clothes are crude We' re almost nude But more we do not ask - We wish for nil If we fulfil Our proletarian task.
Chorus (Singing)	Comrades then sing hail to Vodka Its the finest of the drinks; Hail, the only consolation Of the Minions of the Minx.

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page 24

(The Gremlins take a swig of Vodka, and reseat themselves at their tables. The orchestra plays 'The Internationale' and the Minx of the Kremlin shambles in. She is a large robust creature with large drooping moustaches, dressed all in red like the girls. The girls drop down on their knees behind the tables, and raise their hands above the typewriters in salutation)

Minx

Up girls, and at 'em. (The girls reseat themselves) I shall now present the thought for the day, which is taken from the Selected Works, Volume two, page three hundred and ninety seven. Reads from an enormous volume. 'There is not a single immanenentist who would not furiously attack the metaphysics of science, the materialism of the sciences, precisely because of the recognition by the scientists of the objective reality of matter. Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your aitches. Botchka and Nastikov - come out here.

(Two Gremlins step forward. The Minx draws a revolver and shoots them, laughing demonaically. The girls fall, and two heavily bearded and melodramatic Bolsheviks stalk in and drag them out.)

Minx

Sorry to interrupt you girls, but I've simply got to keep my hand in. (The girls continue working unconcernedly).

(Enter left an unk mpt Bolshevik. He staggers over to the Confession Counte and leans against it, panting. The Minz takes out a curved pipe, lights it, and sits on the chair left.)

The Bolshevik.

Little Comrade, I have grievously sinned against the Soviet power. At the sausage factory at Poloniev I have sabotaged the efforts of the workers to produce bigger, better and brighter sausages I deserve no mercy for my criminal acts of treason against the Soviet Fatherland.

(Enter two other unkempt stage Bolsheviks, left. They come over and stand behind the 1st Bolshevik.)

The Girl at the Counter.

(Pointing to the Shooting Gallery) In there. Next please. (The 1st Bolshevik exits into the Shooting Gallery).

2nd Bolshevik

Little comrade, I wish to confess to my treasonable crimes against the Soviet power. (Produces a huge sheaf of papers) Here is a list of them.

(A heavy drum roll and then a shot is heard off right.)

Girl

(Pointing right) In there. Next please. (The 2nd Bolshevik exits right)

3rd Bolshevik

(Producing an even bigger sheaf of papers, and strewing them all round the stage) Ditto, little comrade.

Girl

(Pointing right) So be it. Ditto, then.

(The third Bolshevik exits right. A roll of drums and two shots are heard. The Minx laughs horribly. The Gremlins continue to work unmoved.)

The Minx

Business is quite brisk this morning. The figures of executions last week exceed the plan by three hundred and twenty two point four per cent.

(Enter left a bearded Bolshevik followed by Sidi, Jonnalio and the rest of the Zombies, excluding Aplop and Hisleton.

Minx

(To the Bolshevik) Who are these miserable creatures?

Bolshevik

If it please your Comradeship, I found them cowering outside the Kremlin kitchen.

Sidi

(Terrified) We - we weren't doing any harm Comrade Minx. We were hungry! We hadn't eaten anything since last Sunday.

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page 25 Minx.

Liars! Traitors! Trotskyites! We don't have any Sundays here. Take them away and liquidate them!

Scrimgeourella

Please - please Comrade Minx! Spare our lives. We are refugees from Waydown Undah, come to seek asylum in your domains.

Minx

Oh well - I'll commute your sentence to a lifetime in the Siberian mines.

(A gremlin comes forward and feels Scrimgeourella's dress ecstatically)

Gremlin.

Ah comrade, what beautiful clothes you have. Would it be possible for you to sell them to me? I have but twenty roubles, but you may have them all! And tell me, is it true that you actually have soup in your country? And shoes? Ah comrade, take me with you when you go away! I will give you anything - anything - to take me out of this hell on earth!

Sidi

(As in a dream) Just what the exiled Princesses said!

(The Minx shoots the Gremlin who falls and is removed by a bearded Bolshevik.

Minx.

Splotchka, go and put an advertisement in Pravda for some new typistes will you? Stakhanovites, preferably.

A Gremlin (coming forward) I have taken the liberty of instructing the Comrade Editor to insert one daily, your Comradeship.

Minx

Excellent. You shall have the order of Lenin (To himself) Nosoup, indeed. We have buckets of it at the Kremlin banquets!

Sidi

Comrade Minx, we have been exiled by the tyrant of Waydown Undah, Mr Razor, because we are Bolsheviks.

Minx

Yes, I know all about it. And now you've fallen in love with me.

Sidi

I - I beg your pardon?

Minx

Of course you have. They all do. Wherever I go, I am wooed. I am so sick of suitors, Comrade Sidi - they woo me night and day. There are three Japanese, five Germans, three Finns and an Eskimo waiting in the ante-room now, all ready to pour out their hearts to me. But I am vowed to celibacy. And though I offer them all platonic friendships, it just doesn't seem to satisfy them. It must be this new wheat germ bread invented by Professor Hackinoff. Every day of the week they come - yes, they all want to marry the Minx!

Song Minx of the Kremlin

(Air - The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze)

I'm the child of the Steppes, I was born in a marsh,
My figure is frightful, my features are harsh,
And some people say they detect a moustache -
Yet they all want to marry the Minx!
They come from America, China and Spain
They woo me with might and they woo me again,
And when I refuse them, they come back again
For they all want to marry the Minx - oh -

Chorus
You've probably heard
The events that occurred
When the camel encountered the obdurate sphinx;
Oh, they'll never buy
Her virginity -
Oh, they all want to marry the Minx.

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They offer me cruisers, they offer me guns,
They try to seduce me at banquets with buns,
They offer me safety, they offer me sons -
They all want to marry the Minx!
I try to escape them, it is'nt my fault -
They follow me into the bathroom and vault -
I'm always resisting indecent assault,
For they all want to marry the Minx - oh

Chorus
You've probably heard
The events that occurred
When the camel encountered the obdurate sphinx;
Oh they'll never buy
Her virginity -
They all want to marry the Minx.

You read in their papers I'm in a decline,
My teeth have been drawn and my hair isn't mine,
But they're waiting in dozens each morning at nine -
They all want to marry the Minx!
They come in their hundreds in sumptuous ships
They sent Mr Steart[gap — reason: illegible] and, they sent Mr Cripps -
Who sighed with delight at the sight of my hips
They all want to marry the Minx - oh

Chorus
You've probably heard
The events that occurred
When the camel encountered the obdurate sphinx.
Oh they'll never buy
Her virginity -
Oh they all want to marry the Minx!

A girl's at her best when she's in an embrace;
I've never disliked being kissed on the face;
Oh, passion's all right when its kept in its place,
But they all want to marry the Minx.
The elderly statesmen whom so far I've met,
All smell of tobacco, their kisses are wet,
And I have'nt discovered an honest one yet -
Oh they all want to marry the Minx - oh

Chorus
You've probably heard
The events that occurred
When the camel encountered the obdurate SPhinx;
Oh they'll never buy
Her virginity
They all want to marry the Minx!

Minx

But enough of my worries, little Comrades. Tell me about your expulsion from Waydown Undah. (To Scrimgeourella) How did it come about that you were expelled?

Scrimgeourella

Well - as a matter of fact - I played the Internationale over 2 Z.B.

Minx

Ah yes, I remember that!

Song - [unclear: Sidi]

(Air - 'A Nightingale Sang in Berkely Square')

On that certain night, the night you mean,
I was just sitting down to my tea,
When on my wireless set I heard
The Internationale sung from 2 Z.B.

Chorus
On that certain night, the night you mean
She was just sitting down to hot tea
When on her wireless set she heard
The Internationale sung from 2 Z.B.

page 27 Minx

I couldn't believe I'd heard aright
So I listened again to see -
But still it echoed through the night -
The Internationale sung from 2 Z.B.

Chorus
She couldn't beoieve she'd heard aright,
So she listened again to see -
But still it echoed through the night -
The Internationale sung from 2 Z.B.

Scrimgeourella

And after that, I tried to join the Wharfies Union. But there again I was disappointed.

Minx

And why were you disappointed?

Song - Scrimgeourella

(Air - 'Daddy Wouldn't Buy me a Bow wow)

The wharfies wouldn't give me the Union!
Union!

Chorus
The wharfies wouldn't give me the Union!
Union!

Chorus
I got a lot of jobs
But they weren't as good as Bob's,
And I wanted to be President!

(Scrimgeourella does an exquisite little Cossack dance, while the Chorus sings the song. The chorus is again repeated.)

(A Bolshevik rushes across the stage, followed by another bearing a bomb. A terrific bang is heard off stage.)

Jonnalio

You know, I can't help feeling there's something fishy going on around here.

Minx

(to the other Zombies) And who are you? And why did - you leave the country of Waydown Undah?

Sidi

We tried to overthrow the tyrannical Government of Mr Razor, if it please your Comradeship. We are Bolsheviks of the deepest dye.

Chorus - Sidi, Bodkin, Doidger and Bulgie

(Air - 'Wise Old Horsey')

We're emissaries of Lenin,
We're agents of a foreign state,
We further the cause of the proletariat
By poisoning the food in the commissariat;
We spout in public parks
Of Engels and of Marx

And negations we negate
We're emissaries of Lenin
And beneath the standard red,
With dialectic opposites in unity
We're going to build a Communist community,
We're putting on the spotsky
All the followers of Trotsky
And the Hensheviks have fled
We 're emissaries of Lenin
And we live on Moscow gold,
We've going to annihilate the ruling classes,
And thus we'll liberate the toiling masses
We listen in to Moscow
Every morning in to Moscow
And we do just what we're told!

Hi Joe, Stalin, Hi Joe!

page 28 Minx

Well, its necessary for you to work over here - you can't just accept our hospitality without doing something in return. Let's see. We need a new Matriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church. (To Scrim.) Have you ever had any experience in churches?

Scrimgeourella

(Bashfully) Well, there was a certain choirmaster -

Minx

I meant religious experience

Scrimgeourella

Oh yes - I used to he awfully good at that. I used to be the Friendly Toad on the radio.

Minx

Good, that's fixed, then. (To a Gremlin) Ninotchka, hop out and open a few churches, will you?

(A Gremlin exits, curtseying)

Minx

Now what about you others? (To Sidi) You look as if you'd make a good Chief of the Ogpu.

Sidi

Oh, I'd love that

Minx

-But before you're given any important posts, I supppose you'd better have the usual examination.

Sidi

(Horrified) Examination? I only got up to primer Four!

Minx

(Taking out a huge roll of parchment from behind his Chair) Here is the list of questions. No 1. Who was Marx?

Sidi

Ahah! That's an easy one! which one?

Minx

Which one?

Sidi

Yes, there were three - Harpo, Grouho and Chico!

Minx

Exposed! Deviationists! Rights and Trotskyists! Out of my sight!

(The Zombies stand in the centre of the stage, looking feverishly around them)

Sidi

Which - which way do we go?

Minx

(Pointing left) To the left!

(The Zombies look round, and then rush off, right into the Shooting Gallery. A roll of drums and a succession of shots are heard.)

Minx.

(To Scrimgeourella) who has remained) Is'nt is strange, Scrimgeourella, that capitalist politicians, whenever they're told to go to the left, invariably go to the right instead? But come, Comrade Scrimgeourella, let us celebrate your new position in the Soviet state, my desertion of the principles of Marxism-Leninism, and the Marxist twilight, by a duet and classical ballet, in the good old Russian style.)

Duet - Scrimgeourella and the Minx

(Air - My Blue Heaven)

Minx.

Just 'Ella and me

Scr.

And Lenin makes three

Both

Will rule over our red Kremlin

Scr.

Among the elite
The girl in the Street

Both

Will rule over our red Kremlin,

Minx

There'll be a holiday with pay when you are wed -

Scr.

And maybe some day I'll produce a baby red -

Minx

Just Ella and me

Scr.

And Lenin makes three

Both

Will rule over our red Kremlin.

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page 29

(The pair execute a graceful pas-de-deux, in a burlesque of the Russian Ballet. They repeat the chorus, and the lights slowly fade. After a moment or two, a spotlight shows the Zombies, Aplop and Hisleton, sleeping soundly in the same positions as they were at the beginning of the scene.

Sidi.

(In his sleep) Stop! Stop! (Waking) Oh my God, what an awful dream!

(A crash of glass off stage. The lights come full on.)

Sidi

Wake up Zombies - the day has just broken.

Jonnalio

I say - did you have a dream? I dreamed all about the Minx - it was awful!

Sidi

Did you have the same one? They even socialise dreams in this dump. (To the others) Did you have a dream about the Minx?

Zombies

A horrible, dream!

Scrimgeourella

(Dreamily) Mine was lovely! The Matriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church!

Sidi

I say - I don't like this place! Let's get back to Waydown Undah before we're liquidated!

Scrimgeourella

I'm going on. My dream just might come true - you never know.

Sidi

Dreams always go by opposites you know.

Scrimgeourella

Perhaps I'd be the Patriarch then - that'd be even better. Farewell Zombies. It's been nice knowing you. (She exits right)

Sidi

Come, Zombies. Let us depart, and return to Waydown Undah. Our mission has failed.

(Sidi and Jonnalio despondently mount Aplop and Hisleton, and followed by the other Zombies, they walk off despondently, singing)

Zombies

We've got beards, that dangle dingle dangle,
As we go riding wearily along.
And they get into an awful tangle
For the wind on the steppes is very strong.

Oh mighty Minx
Your country stinks!
For the weather is atrocious
And the worker really thinks.

We've got beards that dangle dingle dangle
As we go riding wearily along

Curtain

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