Other formats

    Adobe Portable Document Format file (facsimile images)   TEI XML file   ePub eBook file  

Connect

    mail icontwitter iconBlogspot iconrss icon

The Vikings: An Immorality Play in Two Spasms [1939]

Act II

page 12

Act II

(The scene is the Cave of the Druids, in Ancient Britain. Three quarters of the stage is used, and the back-cloth represents a gloomy, craggy cave interior. It is essential that the background should be almost black. The same side flats as in Act I may be used. In the centre of the stage, towards the back, is a rough stone block serving as a table, and round it, on three sides, three stone forms. It is to be hoped that these articles will really look like stone. The light is dark, flickering, and gloomy.

Sitting on the stone forms, with their feet on the stone table, are ten ancient Druids, clad in the long robes, etc., which were the fashion in those days. The Druids should have long white bears (not made of tow) and should speak in moderately ancient voices, with Oxford accents.

The orchestra strikes up brightly "That Certain Age"; the Druids rythmically remove their feet from the table, and advance to the front of the stage, where they boom out the following chorus:)

Chorus
The Druids

(Air - "That Certain Age")

We are Briton's acolytes,
Reverent and sage;
Philanthropic parasites
Of this ancient age!

Politics amuse us,
Though they're not our bent:
We have ordered fifty cruisers
The safeguard what we've lent.

We've a thirst for L.S.D.
Nothing can assuage
Each a ruthless mortgagee
Of this ancient age.

We are Britain's acolytes,
Reverent and sage;
Philanthropic parasites
Of this ancient age!

(The Druids on the extreme left and right of the line step forward to the footlights, and speak alternately through the music. At the conclusion of each verse, the remaining eight Druids execute a little ballet, stiff, jerky and humourous, lifting their skirts high)

1st Druid (speaking through music)
For Truth and Light we daily search,
And, as befits our rank,
We worship Sundays at the Church,
And weekdays at the Bank!

(Ballet)

2nd Druid (speaking through music)
By a strange coincidence
Arranged by heavenly powers
Britain's vital interests
Are just the same as ours!

(Ballet) page 13

1st and 2nd Druids (speaking through music)
War against progressive foes
Relentlessly we wage,
And thus maintain the status quo
Of this ancient age!

(Ballet. The 1st and 2nd Druids join the others).

Chorus
We are Britain's acolytes,
Reverent and sage;
Philanthropic parasites
Of this ancient age!

(The Druids reseat themselves round the table. A tall Druid rises and speaks).

1st Druid

Gentlemen - we are gathered together to discuss the present political situation. The peace of Ancient Britain is endangered, her honour and prestige are at stake, her proud place among the nations is threatened -

2nd Druid

In other words, our vested interests are a bit rocky.

1st Druid

Exactly. And are we to fail the Britons in their hour of need? Is the sacred trust which we are here to fulfil to be abused?

3rd Druid

Well, is it?

1st Druid

(A little taken aback) Yes - it probably is, But are we to be afraid of this Hit, this mountebank, this outrager of the peace of the world? Are we afraid to fling our legions against his and crush him?

4th Druid

Yes, we are.

1st Druid

You're quite right. And that, gentlemen, is the position in a nutshell. But before we decide whether it is to be peace or war, I think it is relevant to our enquiry to ascertain how many of us hold shares in armament firms. Will those who own any such shares please raise their right hands?

(The right hands of all the Druids, except the 1st, are slowly raised)

5th Druid

What - you have no shares?

1st Druid

I have no armament shares.

2nd Druid

I always gave you credit for being one of the few of us with any brains, too.

1st Druid

I have no shares in any of the firms - but I am a managing director of them all! Well, gentlemen, is it to be peace or war?

(The Druids take a breath, purse their lips, and are about to shout "War" when Hit, disguised as Nev, with Bubbles and Boring, enters left. Boring is carrying the carved trunk containing the cloths)

Kit

(Idyllically) Peace!

Druids

What? Nev back! Why! etc.

Hit

Peace, I say! Look at this!

page 14

(He waves the agreement. Some of the Druids snatch at it).

Hit

Now, naughty, naughty! Here you are - you may read it!

(He gives it to the first Druid who reads it avidly, the others peering over his shoulder)

2nd Druid

Do you mean to say that Hit listened to the voice of reason?

Hit

My dear fellow, how could he? It was I who was speaking to him!

2nd Druid

True, Nev., true.

1st Druid

(doubtfully) You know, we've had a lot of these before. I doubt whether the people will like it. As soon as they crawl out of the holes they have dug, they may begin to think.

Hit

But do we not pay the criers who announce the news? Can they not use sweet words about this deed - words like "honour" and "appeasement" - are they not beautiful words my friends? Let them go forth now to the people, and shout to them to come forth from their holes - Nev, the peacemaker has saved the world - Hit and the Vikings will not march! Our prestige is saved - friendship and comity among the nations - a triumph of British diplomacy! Tell them the old, old story - and they will sing in the streets, and shout "All hail, oh Nev the Peacemaker!"

Druids

(Bowing and knocking their heads on the floor) All hail, oh Nev the Peacemaker!

Hit

(to Bubbles & Boring) How am I doing, folks?

Boring

Gee, chief - you were swell!

Bubbles

Introduce us, Hit.

Hit

Here - get up, please - (coyly) - really, I am not worthy of such devotion. I want to remain always just plain Mr. Nev.

(The Druids rise)

Hit

But let me introduce you to two Vikings who have come with me from Adolmania to help me in matters of State. Mr. Bubbles - Mr. Boring.

(Bubbles, Boring, and the Druids bow ceremoniously. Bubbles and Boring do the Adolmania salute).

1st Druid

Where, oh Nev, are Hades and Runnymede?

Hit

Detained in Adolmania with foreign affairs.

1st Druid

Are you sure it's not with fair foreigners?

Hit

Indeed - that is slanderous! Surely you know Hades and Runnymede?

1st Druid

Exactly - we know Hades and Runnymede!

Hit

But stay - in the joy of achievement we must not wholly lose our senses. While in Adolmania I discovered a plot!

page 15 1st Druid

What, only one?

Hit

Through Mr. Bubbles (He bows) and Mr. Boring (also bows) I learned that Hit intends to come to Britain!

2nd Druid

To come here? Why?

Hit

He intends to come here disguised as me - to slaughter me and take over the Government himself.

3rd Druid

He must be stopped at once!

4th Druid

I say, what infernal cheek!

Hit

He must be captured as soon as he arrives.

1st Druid

We shall sacrifice him straight away!

2nd Druid

Yes - to the Gods of Ancient Britain - So Tight and the Seven Dwharfies!

3rd Druid

That's rather drastic, isn't it?

1st Druid

No remedy could be too drastic for such infamy - such blasphemy! We shall send him to Stonehenge, which is haunted by the dinosaurs, and the terrible Gods So Tight and the Seven Dwharfies. There he will meet the end he deserves!

Bubbles

There is a coracle approaching the shore, oh Hit!

Hit

It is he! Observe his villainous false moustache!

(His own almost falls off - he just saves it in time, unseen by the Druids)

1st Druid

How could he ever hope to deceive us with that perfectly awful disguise?

2nd Druid

Observe his rage! The water turns to steam before him!

Hit

Stay, friends - we must organise a plan of attack. Hit is very wily and won't easily fall into a trap.

1st Druid

That's right. He seems to be alone - so we can overpower him when he enters - but who is going to take him to Stonehenge?

2nd Druid

Even the bravest of us wouldn't dare to go near there.

3rd Druid

It's awfully risky. They say that when you get near the Seven Dwharfies you feel all Disney.

Hit

I have an idea, By my sacred umbrella.

1st Druid

But we don't want to buy your sacred umbrella.

Hit

You fool! I shall transport Hit to Stonehenge by means of the magic powers contained in my sacred umbrella.

(He opens the umbrella, and flourishes it. The Druids bow low, and knock their heads three times on the floor.)

Bubbles

I wonder if they hurt themselves when they do that?

Boring

(looking off) He's landed, Hit.

Hit

Up, fools! Hit is almost here!

page 16

(The Druids rise. Enter Nev, left, distraught)

Nev

I am here, Druids! Seize the imposter! (Pause, the Druids laugh heartily) Well, what are you waiting for? (Pause) Do something, or (imitating Charlie McCarthy) I'll mow you down!

1st Druid

Did you really think you could get away with that disguise?

Nev

Disguise? That's my face!

1st Druid

That shows he's lying! Come on, Druids!

(They rush over to Nev and seise him. He struggles wildly).

Nev

I must keep calm - I must keep calm - in this time of crisis - ow! - don't pull my moustache, it grows there!

Hit

Put him on the table.

(The Druids lay Nev, on the table. He struggles, but the Druids hold him down).

Nev

I can assure you that my appendix has already been removed.

(Hit opens the trunk and brings out the bunting)

1st Druid

He won't lie still, Nev.

Nev

I must sincerely protest with all my heart against this outrage!

Hit

I shall hypnotise him with my sacred umbrella.

(He waves the umbrella over him, finally hitting him hard on the head with it. Nev gives a convulsive shudder, and lies still)

1st Druid

Are you ready, Nev?

Hit

I am ready!

(Hit and the 1st Druid spread out the bunting, and cover Nev carefully with it. The Druids stand in a semicircle behind the stone table. Hit stands in front waving the umbrella mystically; the lights are lowered so that the cave is even darker and more gloomy; weird and unearthly music is heard).

Solo and Chorus

Hit and the Druids

Hit

(half-singing, half-speaking through the intensely melodrama-into music)

Rise from your graves
My awful slaves;
Come, shades from bogs and ditches!
Here, dreadful hosts
Of gibbering ghosts -
Come, horrid hags and witches!

(As the Druids sing the following chorus, Nev's body, covered with the bunting, rises, with no apparent means of support, slowly into the air, and remains suspended about three feet above the Druids, who slowly raise their arms in supplication. This is a well-known magical effect and is fairly easy of execution with the stage set in the manner described above).

page 17 Druids

Here, dreadful hosts
Of gibbering ghosts -
Come, horrid hags and witches!
So Tight and the Seven Dwharfies,
Take our sacrifice!

(During the next verse, Nev's body rises and falls slowly, the Druids following its movements with their upraised arms. Hit waves the umbrella above and below the floating body. Dim thunder is heard in the distance)

Hit

Assemble, crowds,
Of imps in shrouds,
Ye loathsome ghosts, protect us!
Come hither, sprites
Of gloomy nights -
And grim and ghastly spectres!

Chorus

Come hither, sprites
Of gloomy nights -
And grim and ghastly spectres!
So Tight and the Seven Dwharfies,
Take our sacrifice!

(Thunder. Hit suddenly pulls away the cloth from Nev's body. There is nothing there - Nev has literally vanished into thin air. There is a terrific peal of thunder, and after a few seconds, a complete blackout.

During the blackout, the Druids hastily remove the stone table and forms, and the blackcloth is lifted, to disclose Stonehenge, with a background showing a plain strewn with great blocks of stone. If it is found too expensive to have another blackcloth painted, an impressionistic modern background can be constructed with the aid of black curtains and stone blocks. Or perhaps two black curtains could be used, with a glimpse of the plain between them. The details of the scene can, however, be left to the discretion of the producer.

There are seven stone blocks on the stage, irregularly shaped so as to represent part of Stonehenge. Paper coloured like stone may be obtained so that the "stone" walls, tables, forms, and Stonehenge blocks may be made roughly from wood and covered with this paper.

Seated on the seven blocks of stone, in an attitude of sleep, are the Seven Dwharfies. The top half of these should be dressed in the costume of the film, and the bottom half in wharfies pants and boots. All are extremely tall and fat. So Tight, dressed in the costume of the film, is fast asleep against the middle block. On either side of the Dwharfies lies a Dinosaur, curled up. These dinosaurs should be constructed on the lines of some prehistoric monster such as the Brontosaurus. The bodies are similar to that of Daisy the Bull in "The Plutocrats," and the necks each consisted of a long tube of white material stuffed with rags, and surmounted by a fearsome head. The necks contain a large stick, which protrudes into the body, and is worked by one of the two unfortunate people inside. The body can be hired; the head and neck can be very easily constructed.

The orchestra strikes up "The Lambeth Walk;" So Tight wakes up, yawns, stretches, then slowly rises).

So Tight

Time to get up, men! Time for your morning exercise!

(The Dwharfies, and the Dinosaurs, uncurl sleepily. The Dwharfies slide down on to the stage one by one. To the tune of the Lambeth Walk, the Dwharfies, Dinosaurs, and So Tight execute a ballet based on "The Lambeth Walk." This should be short but very humourous).

page 18

Song and Ballet

So Tight, Dwharfies and Dinosaurs

So Tight

(speaking through the music)

Wake me up, it's ten o'clock -
Come on Wheezy - come on Sock
From your little beds arise
And take your morning exercise!
Bumpy, Weepy, Soapy, too,
Scrappy, Hasful, all of you -
Let us take our morning stroll,
Come, Men!

Dwharfies

Every morning just at ten
So Tight wakes us up and then
You'll find us all
Doing the Stonehenge Stroll!

Every sleepy little man
Dances lightly as he can -
Just watch us all
Doing the Stonehenge Stroll!

When it's a lovely morning,
When you're awake and yawning,
Why don't you have your fling too,
Dance, too, sing, too?

Watch us happy as can be
Gambol round so joyously -
Just watch us all
Doing the Stonehenge Stroll!

(They repeat the Chorus, and execute the Stonehenge Stroll again. During this, Nev enters, and watches amazed at the antics of So Tight and the Seven Dwharfies. At the conclusion of the dance, Nev stands, facing audience, his arms folded, with an intense expression on his face, waiting to be sacrificed, The Dinosaurs approach and sniff him; he does not see them. So Tight gazes intently at him; the Seven Dwharfies whisper together excitedly. The orchestra plays "Some Day My Prince Will Come." So Tight approaches Nev cautiously)

Nev

Hurry up - get it over! (Nervously) We - British - are not afraid to die!

So Tight

You are British, then? How nice!

Nev

We like it. But please - please get it over. We British are always calm in moments of crisis.

(The Dinosaurs' heads are within three inches of his face, on either side. Nev turns and sees them, and gives a bloodcurdling yell)

So Tight

(to the Dinosaurs) Go away, dears. (The Dinosaurs slink back to the Seven Dwharfies.) (To Nev) It's quite all right, they're vegetarians.

Nev

Hurry - do what you will with me!

So Tight

What - can it be that you are my prince?

Nev

Pardon me - your what?

So Tight

My prince, whom I have dreamed of so long? I knew he would come in the end! My darling! (She embraces him)

Nev

Here - I say - please, my good woman - don't - I'm page 19 afraid you're misconstruing - here, lay off please !

(The Dwharfies consult together, nod their heads, and come forward)

Scrappy

My dear So Tight -

Wheezy

We think you should know -

Sock

That this gentleman is Hit the Viking -

Bumpy

Sent here to be sacrificed -

Weepy

By the Ancient Druids -

Soapy

Because he plotted to overthrow Nev -

Hasful

In order to rule over Britain himself!

Dwharfies

Thank you!

So Tight

They must have seen it in the magic mirror! Hit the Viking! Is it really true?

Nev

No - I assure you - it's a gross exaggeration! I am not Hit - I am Nev the Peacemaker, ruler of Ancient Britain!

So Tight

Ah, now you're trying to be modest! But I do like modest men!

(She embraces him again. The Dwharfies giggle, and consult together again. The Dinosaurs embrace also).

Nev

My dear So - er - Miss Tight -

Scrappy

Well, men - I think It would be tactful -

Wheezy

If we gracefully retired -

Sock

So Tight, my dear -

Bumpy

We are going outside for a moment -

Weepy

In order to -

Soapy

See a man -

Hasful

About a Dinosaur!

Dwharfies

Thank you!

(The Dwharfies bow, and march out right, to the tune of the Lambeth Walk)

Nev

This is awful! My good woman - you are labouring under a delusion - I am really Nev the Peacemaker - not Hit!

So Tight

(cajoling him) Now, Hitty dear, don't be so silly! Of course, If you were really Nev, we'd call the Dinosaurs and start the sacrifice right away.

Nev

Oh, my goodness! By my divine brolly! Oh well - of course, if you Insist - I am Hit, then!

So Tight

Of course you are, silly!

Nev

I'm beginning to think I really am!

So Tight

And you will love me till the end of your days?

page 20 Nev

But really, Miss Tight - I am married, you know -

So Tight

Oh, but I'm sure you are broadminded. If not, the Dinosaurs will soon -

Nev

(hastily) Oh, yes - I'm broadminded.

So Tight

And in return for your love, do you know what I'm going to do?

Nev

No, but I think I can guess!

So Tight

I'm going to help you conquer Britain! The Dinosaur Boys are on my side - we can overthrow the Druids easily!

Nev

(horrified) Oh, I couldn't - I couldn't do that!

So Tight

(nastily) You couldn't, eh? (Calls the Dinosaurs) Denny! Dinah!

(The Dinosaurs advance menacingly towards Nev, pawing the ground. Nev hides behind So Tight, and the Dinosaurs chase him round her)

Nev

Oh - take them away - I suppose I'll have to stretch a point.

So Tight

(to the Dinosaurs) Go away, darlings - you shall have your dinner later.

Nev

(mopping his brow) Oh, dear! Just like when I had that overdose of mead!

So Tight

Oh certainly - (tonelessly) - madly - passionately!

Solo - Nev with Chorus of Dwharfies and Dinosaur boys

(Air - Original Music)

I'm a highly respectable man,
And honour is always my goal:
All passionate dramas
Which mention pyjamas
Offend my susceptible soul!

I'm worshipped at afternoon teas,
I'm a friend of the Vicar and Squire -
I labour all day
For the Y.M.C.A.
And I warble at night in a choir!

But I can't explain, dear,
Why a smile from you,
Or a soft caress,
Can thrill me through!
I'm quite unsentimental,
But still I know it's true -
Though I can't explain, dear -
That I love you.

(The chorus from "I can't explain, dear" is crooned in the traditional modern "blues" manner, with plenty of "bood-a-doops." During the second verse and chorus, the Dwharfies enter in tip-toe, followed by ten Dinosaur Boys, led by Terry Dactyl. The Dinosaur Boys wear cowboy-like leggings, and animal skins, and look extremely primitive. They form up in front of Stonehenge, and sit down, the Dwharfies on the side of the stage. We might as well mention that Terry Dactyl is a caricature of the well-known Pinto Pete, page 21 and the Dinosaur Boys are the Ranchos. For this reason, they languidly hum the air of the chorus while Nev is singing it).

Chorus - Dinosaur boys and Dwharfies
But I can't explain, dear,
Why a smile from you,
Or a soft caress
Can thrill me through!
I'm quite unsentimental,
But still I know it's true -
Though I can't explain, dear,
That I love you!

Nev
I'm a highly respectable man,
From virtue I never have strayed;
I burble sea-shanties
In cute little panties,
And march with Boy Scouts on parade.

My mind is as pure as a lily;
I'm constructed of acid and ice;
I always avoid
The subject of Freud,
And I never make use of a vice!

But I can't explain, dear,
Why a smile from you,
Or a soft caress
Can thrill me through!
I'm quite unsentimental,
But still I know it's true -
Though I can't explain, dear -
That I love you!
Dwharfies and Dinosaur boys
But I can't explain, dear, etc, etc.

So Tight

(to the Dinosaur Boys) Hullo, boys - I'm so glad you've come. (Presenting Nev) Meet Hit the Viking, boys -Hit, these are the Dinosaur Boys, and this is Terry Dactyl, their boss.

Terry

(very deep Pinto Pete voice) I'm sure glad to meet you, stranger.

(Shakes hands. Nev winces)

Nev

Oh - charmed, I'm sure - but really -

So Tight

Hit wants to conquer Britain - and I've promised to help him. With the Dinosaurs on our side, we can win easily. You're with me, aren't you, boys?

Terry

Friends of yours are always friends of ours, So Tight. The Dinosaur Boys always welcome you with open arms.

(The orchestra plays softly and slowly "Bring back my bonnie to me" and the Dinosaur Boys hum the refrain. The Dinosaurs sway gently, their heads resting in the arms of two of the Dinosaur Boys)

Terry

Yes, when the dying sun sinks slowly over Salisbury Plain, and we've rounded up the Dinosaurs into the old corrals, then we like to sit together round the camp fire, and sing a bit, and - maybe, who knows? - dream a bit, too.

page 22

(Pause while the Dinosaur Boys hum the refrain)

And we welcome strangers with a shake of the hand and a cheery song, and we sit together in the flickering firelight and think of the days gone by and the faces we see no longer. Now, who's going to sing for our pal Hit this evening?

1st D. Boy

You sing to us, boss.

2nd D. Boy

You've got a swell voice, boss.

Terry

(laughs with a deep belly laugh) Ha ha ha! Well, I'll sing, then. As a matter of fact, I intended to all the time. I'll sing you a sad song, folks - the saddest song I know - the story of an old friend who we all used to love, and who has now passed over into the Great Unknown - Winifred the Wonder of the West!

Song - Terry Dactyl
Chorus of Dwharfies and Dinosaur boys

(Air - Original Music)

Oh, gather round and listen to the story,
Of Winifred the Wonder of the West:
If a cowboy got ecstatic
She would draw her automatic,
And the verdict at the Inquest told the rest.
But Winnie had a wobble that was winsome,
Her face - it would have sunk a thousand ships -
And the cowboys got hysterics
And recited verse like Herricks
When they watched the gentle swaying of her hips.

Chorus

She was Winifred the Wonder of the West,
And she entered into every game with zest.
Bullets wouldn't pierce her torso -
Like Diana's, only more so,
She was Winifred the Wonder of the West.

A man from Texas came to visit Winnie,
And walked with her from dawn to set of sun:
He started out to woo her,
For he wanted to undo her,
But Winifred refused to be undone;
She took her automatic from her pinny,
And through her teeth she hissed "You dirty dawg!"
And she shot the man from Texas
In the chest and solar plexus,
And they came and took the body to the morgue!

Chorus

She was Winifred the Wonder of the West,
And people say she'd hairs upon her chest;
Bullets wouldn't pierce her torso,
Like Diana's, only more so -
She was Winifred the Wonder of the West!

But she fell in love herself, did little Winnie,
With a cowboy with a captivating smile;
How she wished he would assault her
And lead her to the altar
But he dared to come no nearer than a mile!
So she pined away and miserably perished;
There was silence in that rancho on the West,
And despite the cowboys' urgin'
She remained the local virgin
When they buried her and laid her down to rest.

page 23 Chorus

She was Winifred the Wonder of the West,
And she hid a heart of gold beneath her vest;
Bullets wouldn't pierce her torso -
Like Diana's only more so -
She was Winifred the Wonder of the West!

Terry

Well, stranger, we're mighty glad to have seen you to-night, And when you ride home over the plains, perhaps you'll remember Terry Dactyl and his Dinosaur Boys, with laughter in your hearts......and maybe you'll come again sometime..... goodbye......goodbye

Nev

But I'm not going!

Terry

Well, neither are you, now! Sorry, pal, it was just force of habit!

So Tight

When can you get ready to attack the Druids, Terry? Now?

Terry

Now, if you wish it, So.

So Tight

Come on then - unleash the Dinosaurs!

(The Dwharfies wabble off right in perfect time, followed by the Dinosaur Boys. At this moment Hit, Bubbles and Boring enter left. So Tight and the Dinosaurs dance out, and Nev is about to follow them in the rear when Hit rushes across the stage and seizes him)

Hit

Where are you going, Nev?

Nev

Oh, it's awful, awful! That awful woman fell for me - she thinks I'm you - and you're me - and she's going to conquer Britain for me - you - and kill all the poor Druids -because she thinks I'm you - you're me - (wailing) oh, my goodness! Which of us is which? (pitifully) It's awfully confusing!

Hit

I'm Hit and you're Nev but So Tight thinks you are me and the Druids think I am you, and they're both wrong. That any clearer?

Nev

(smiling) Oh, thanks awfully - that's much better! (Suddenly -his face changing) No - it's much worse! Oh dear - I don't know who I am! What on earth shall I do?

Boring

Try to remember Some details of your past.

Bubbles

No - no - keep the party clean!

Hit

Have you any identification marks?

Nev

Identification marks? (beaming) Why, yes, of course - I have a birthmark!

Hit

Where? (Pause) You may whisper if you wish.

(Nev whispers confidentially to Hit)

Nev

Yes, it's on my chest.

(He fumbles at his vest and tries to undo it)

Hit

On your chest? Strange - is it anything like this?

(He opens his clothes, and demonstrates an Adolmanian emblem in Brown on his chest)

Nev

Why - can it be - but look! Mine's just the same!

page 24

(He opens his vest and shows exactly the same mark on his own chest)

Hit

(amazed) Surely it can't be -

Nev

I suppose it isn't possible -

Hit

(speaking quickly and emotionally) Were you left in a clothes basket at a very early age -

Nev

(speaking in the same way) - On the doorstep of an ancient Briton - yes -

Hit

By your heartbroken mother -

Nev

Yes! - Yes! -

Hit

Then you must be -

Nev

(flinging himself into Hit's arms) Hitty!

Hit

Nevvy! My little twin brother!

(They weep unrestrainedly on each others' shoulders)

Nev

I thought you were lost for ever!

Hit

Found after all these years!

Nev

Now I know why I've always admired you!

Hit

That's why I've always found you so helpful.

Nev

Little Hitty!

Hit

Little Nevvy!

(They weep again)

Nev

My poor little baby brother! And what have you been doing all these years?

Hit

I've written a book - (Bubbles produces a copy and hands it to Nev) - here, you can read it. But (coyly) don't look at the end first!

Nev

What's it called?

Hit

"Mein Kampf."

Nev

Funny - I'm writing a book, too.

Hit

And what's your's called, Nevvy?

Nev

"My Gamp." (Pause) But stay, we must remember -the unleashing of the Dinosaurs - they will come back.

Hit

True - we must restrain our emotion. Let me think.

(Pause).

Nev

It's hard, isn't it?

Hit

How would it be if we reigned over Britain Jointly?

Nev

That would be lovely! But I don't think the people would like it, you know.

Hit

Well, how would it be if we took turns? When there's any work to be done, or any important page 25 decisions to be made, I'll take the helm, and you can quietly disappear.

Nev

Why, that's just what I've always wanted to do!

Hit

I've no doubt Miss So Tight will be glad to accommodate you during those periods.

Nev

That suits me down to the ground.

Hit

And when the Druids are running things - which happens most of the time - you can come back, and I'll amuse myself at Stonehenge. No one'll notice the difference.

Nev

Bags first pop at Stonehenge, Hitty.

Hit

Yes - I think I ought to be looking after things for a while. There's a little matter of some colonies I want to fix up.

Nev

(looking off right) Oh - look - here they are - So Tight and those awful Dwharfies - they're coming to look for me - I think I'd better be getting along, you know -

Hit

Good! Lie low for a while, Nevvy - then go to Stonehenge.

Nev

I will, Hitty. Farewell, my brothert!

(They embrace).

Hit

Farewell!

(Nev walks across stage left. The orchestra, for the third time, strikes up "Rule Britannia")

Nev

(Going off) I'm perfectly sure it's going to be quite all right this time!

(Exits left. So Tight, with the Dinosaurs trotting beside her, enters right, followed by the Dwharfies, and the Dinosaur boys).

So Tight

Where have you been, you naughty Hitty?

Hit

Well, you see - I met these two gentlemen - my own men -er - Mr. Bubbles, Miss Tight - Mr. Boring, Miss Tight.

Bubbles

Charmed!

Boring

Delighted!

Hit

These gentlemen have already done our job for us.

So Tight

You mean -

Hit

They've conquered Britain for me. I have it on excellent authority that it's going to be quite all right this time.

So Tight

And you will stay here with me?

Hit

I will, my darling. (They embrace) So chain up the Dinosaurs - they won't be needed - yet! Mr. Bubbles -you will attend to the usual publicity. Mr. Boring -do you think a pogrom or two would go amiss? And you people of Britain, be reassured, I shall carry on your old traditions - with a few consequential amendments, of course, and above all, I shall always respect the Great Peace brought to you by Nev the Peacemaker - the Peace

page 26

(The Dwharfies and Dinosaur Boys do the Adolmanian salute)

Final Chorus

(To be written later)

Curtain