Act 1

(The curtain rises on the landing stage at Adolmania. The backcloth shows the bank of a river with a Viking longboat moored to the right, and fields beyond with luxuriant trees, and in the distance wild and snow-clad mountains. The nearer bank of the river cannot be seen by the audience, as it is presumably hidden behind a neat stone wall, about eighteen inches high and built about three feet in front of the backcloth. The backcloth itself is not right at the back of the stage: see diagram showing the different stage settings.

At the centre of the little wall, towards the footlights, is a platform about four feet square, covered with red cloth, and two steps lead from it down to the stage.

In the middle of the platform is a large notice - "Welcome to Adolmanis" - but the effect of this is somewhat dampened by two other similar notices erected at either end of the wall -"Poison Laid For Dawgs" - and "Trespassers Will Be Persecuted."

page 2

The backcloth will probably have to be specially painted; the flats at the sides can be ordinary herbaceous ones; and the whole effect should be simple but striking.

The idea of the wall is that the coracles which sail in behind it should appear to be sailing on the river the other bank of which is seen on the backcloth.

When the curtain rises, ten Vikings and ten Trolls are discovered looking through telescopes, peering over one another's shoulders, etc, down the river to the left. They should be prettily grouped so that the audience may clap if it wishes.

The Vikings should wear some sort of long white robe, with tunics beneath, and silver helmets. They should carry battleaxes or similar weapons, which should not look like silvered cardboard. The dresses of the trolls may be left to the discretion of the producer, and we trust that in exercising it he will remember that the corridors of the Opera House are draughty. The trolls could with advantage have long flowing black hair.

The orchestra strikes up wildly the Drinking Song from "Traviata" and the Vikings and Trolls come down towards the footlights in order to sing the opening chorus.

The Vikings and Trolls should be chosen almost solely for their singing ability; the Vikings should be doubled with the Dinosaur Boys in Act 11.

Chorus and Ballet.
Vikings and Trolls

Oh we are the Vikings the scourge of the sea,
And we savagely ravage the rolling main;
If you had once witnessed our valour you'd flee
If you saw us approaching again!

We're a strong and terrible throng, ha ha!
For war and slaughter we long, ha ha!
And this is our rollicking song, ha ha!
And this is our rollicking song -

Oh we are the Vikings the scourge of the sea,
And we savagely ravage the main!

(They execute a short ballet. This should be a strong virile German ballet, like the one at the beginning of "The Plutocrats." Above all, it should be short. The audience will have seen at least five ballets in the preceding shows).

But though we're the Vikings the scourge of the sea
And we savagely ravage the rolling main,
We're really as tender as tender can be,
And slaughtering drives us insane!

We shy at killing a fly, ha ha!
We're not at all anxious to die, ha ha!
And that is the reason we sigh, ha ha!
When singing our rollicking song -

Oh we are the Vikings the scourge of the sea -
And we savagely ravage the main!
And we savagely ravage the main!

(The ballet is repeated. It ends with a bow or similar gesture to the audience, so that the latter may know when it is over).

Skallawag

When does our leader expect Nev the Peacemaker to page 3 arrive?

Badegg

By noon, Skallawag [unclear: but his] coracle may have met with rough sea.

Grimm

Tell me, Badegg - why is Nev the Briton known as "The Peacemaker"?

Badegg

That is one of the sacred mysteries of the Ancient Britons, Grimm. Nev, is a merchant by profession, a politician by inheritance, and a diplomat by the grace of God. But a peacemaker - no! How would our beloved Leader Hit be able to pursue his policy of subjugating the Universe were it not for the assistance of Nev?

Vikings & Trolls

Our beloved Leader Hit!

(They perform a complicated and humourous salute in perfect time. This Adolmanian salute will be demonstrated at rehearsals).

Skua

But where is our divine Leader?

Skallawag

He should have been here hours ago. I think the bolt must have stuck.

Badegg

We can always tell when Hit is coming - thunder always marks his approach.

Skallawag

Hush, Badegg! Do you not know it is forbidden to mention Marx?

(the Vikings & Trolls give vent to a low hiss)

Badegg

True, I had forgotten. But I think, Skallawag -

Skallawag

Be careful - you know it is also forbidden to think. If our leader Hit - (he does the complicated gesture very quickly) - knew that you were actually thinking, you'd very soon find yourself in a Consternation Camp.

Swigg

(looking through a telescope left)

Behold, comrades - I see three coracles nearing the river mouth.

Skua

It must be Nev and his friends!

(The Vikings and Trolls rush over left and gaze off stage)

Swigg

Is that a sail above the foremost coracle?

Skallawag

No, my friend - that is the sacred umbrella of Nev, which in Briton is worshipped as a symbol for puerility in politics and denseness in diplomacy.

Swigg

But why does he keep his umbrella up when the sun is shining?

Skallawag

It is rumoured that Nev, is extremely afraid of becoming all wet.

Badegg

But stay - we must get ready to receive our revered Leader. He may be here at any moment now. He can fly as swift as the wind - he can make himself invisible - he is clothed with the powers of darkness -

Skallawag

True, Badegg - let us bring in his throne.

page 4

(Skallawag and Badegg go to the right of the stage and bring in Hit's throne. This consists of a large beer barrel, with a highly ornamented top, decorated with the mystic emblem of Adolmania - a swastika surrounded with four broad arrows, something like this:-

The Vikings all wear this emblem on the front of their tunics. Skallawag stands near the throne with his back to the audience, watching left, while Badegg and the other Vikings gaze off left. Picture).

Badegg

They are nearing the landing stage.

Grimm

Truly they are of formidable appearance! Look at Nev's horrible bear-skin!

A Troll

Oh, lend me a telescope, quick!

Skua

Get away, woman! Has not our leader said that a woman's only function is the recreation of the tired warrior?

The Troll

But Nev, is bound to be tired after his journey!

(A short peal of thunder is heard)

Badegg

Hark! Our Leader!

Grimm

He is coming!

(They crowd to the left of the stage, looking off)

Badegg

Look! Is that our Leader riding on that cloud?

Hit's voice

Fools! I am here!

(The Vikings turn to the throne in amazement. There, on the throne, sits Hit, Leader of the Vikings, Skallawag having mysteriously disappeared. Details of this amazing transformation scene will be disclosed at rehearsals. Hit is dressed in a silver helmet like the other Vikings; his top half is clad in a brown shirt, bandolier, and black tie; the bottom half in a dinky little skirt. His moustache and hair are normal. He bristles with Adolmanian emblems).

Vikings & Trolls

Behold - the Leader!

(They do the complicated Adolmanian salute, ending with their right arms outstretched)

Hit

Where are my minions? (Calls) Bubbles! Boring!

(Enter Bubbles and Boring left and right respectively. They perform the Adolmanian salute in unison)

Hit

Have the preparations for Nev's welcome been completed?

Bubbles

Your photo is in every room in his suite, Excellency. There is one pure Aryan woman installed in every room except the bedroom.

Hit

Why except the bedroom?

Bubbles

There are four in the bedroom, sire. And copies of your divine autobiography are strewn in profusion round the rooms.

Hit

Excellent. And you, Boring?

page 5 Boring

Military parades are scheduled to pass his window constantly I during his residence, Excellency, to impress our armed strength on him.

Hit

But have we not too few soldiers to do that?

Boring

The detachment is to march round the block again and again, Sire.

Hit

A splendid scheme.

(He descends from his throne; Bubbles and Boring accompany him to the front of the stage).

Trio

Hit, Bubbles and Boring

(Air - "Gama's Song" from Sullivan's "Princess Ida")

Hit

In case you do not know me, I'm the leader of the land,
I rule my people with a firm but philanthropic hand:
My duties are not troublesome, for if I'm in a fix
I always lay the blame on the naughty Bolsheviks!
I cheer the people up when they are feeling rather blue
By mercilessly slaughtering a Marxist or a Jew:
But though I do my best for every Adolmanian,
Yet everybody says. I'm such a disagreeable man,
And I can't think why!

Chorus

He can't think why!

Bubbles and Boring Bubbles

I'm a most important person - I disseminate the lies
With which our loving Leader fools the populace - or tries.
I burble on the radio, and censor all the news,
And effectively dispose of all the opposition views!

Boring

I frighten all the people with my sabre-rattling talk,
And love to show my medals which I jingle when I walk -

Both

But though I do my best for every Adolmanian,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man,
And I can't think why!

Chorus

They can't think why!

Hit, Bubbles & Boring All

We're a celebrated trio born beneath a lucky star,
We won our way to power by a little coup d'etat.

Hit

I think of pretty little schemes -

Bubbles

Distributed by me,

Boring

And I get rid of anyone who cars- to disagree!

All

And if the folks are getting bored with politics and such,

We hold a little pogrom and they like it very much!

Hit
Bubbles

But though I do my best for every Adolmanian,

& Boring

Yet everybody says he's such a disagreeable man,

All

And we can't think why!

Chorus

They can't think why!

(They bow to the audience and to one another. Hit retires to his throne, and Bubbles and Boring stand on either side of it).

Grimm

Nev is nearing the landing stage in his coracle, my leader.

Hit

Good! I am ready for him. (Pause). Bubbles, do you not think it might be profitable if we performed some act of clemency in honour of Nev's coming?

Bubbles

But the people would think something was wrong, oh Hit!

page 6 Hit

Couldn't we let the prisoners out of the Consternation Camps?

Boring

But, my leader, that would double the population of Adolmania!

Bubbles

The country's resources could not stand it, oh Hit!

(The orchestra strikes up "Rule Britannia")

Hit

True, Bubbles. But see, here is Nev!

(The Vikings and Trolls crowd to the extreme left of the stage to allow the audience an uninterrupted view of the extraordinary craft which are about to sail in behind the wall.

Enter from the left, behind wall, one after the other, three large coracles. These coracles are ordinary wicker clothes baskets, drawn along on wheels by a rope behind the wall. In the first coracle sits Nev the Peacemaker, cross-legs; he wears an immaculate top hat, tie and morning coat; beneath the coat is a delightful bear skin, dangerously short; his legs and feet are very bare. He is holding an enormous umbrella over his head.

In the other two coracles sit Hades and Runnymede; they are dressed similarly to Nev.

All the trio are provided with child's wooden spades, with which they paddle ferociously.

With great difficulty they get out of their coracles, step on to the landing stage, and look round, beaming. They inspect Hit and Bubbles and Boring, and the Vikings, especially the Trolls; they look at the centre notice, and beam again. Business when they see the other notices.

At a signal from Hit, the Vikings and Trolls form up in a line from front left of the stage to the landing stage, and sing a chorus of welcome. No ballet is to be performed with this song. )

Chorus
Vikings and Trolls

All hail, oh Nev, all hail!
Behold the British oracle
Arriving in his coracle,
All hail, oh Nev, all hail!

We liquidate the folk who state
That Britons are but fools,
And welcome you the people who
Make Briton waive the rules!

Nary an
Aryan
In this State totalitarian
Doesn't welcome you - so

All hail, oh Nev, all hail!
Behold the British oracle
Arriving in his coracle,
All hail, oh Nev, all hail!

(The Vikings and Trolls do the Adolmanian salute. Nev tries to reply with the same salute, but gets mixed up).

Nev

(waving his umbrella) It's going to be all right this time!

page 7 Hit

Welcome to Adolmania, oh visitors from over the seas! I trust that you have had a pleasant voyage?

Nev

By my sacred umbrella, Hit, these coracles are somewhat confined! (Rubs bottom) But allow me to present my colleagues - Hades (presents him) - and Runnymede - (Presents him business).

Hit

(Impatiently) And the new cloths - you have brought the new cloths?

Nev

New and rich cloths, oh Hit - never before seen on these shores. Fetch them, Hades.

(Hades fishes in one of the coracles, and removes a small carved trunk which he presents to Nev. If there is no room in the coracle for the trunk, it can be hidden behind the wall opposite to where Nev's coracle stops)

Hit

I trust these new cloths are not too expensive, Nev?

Nev

Oh, no - they are singularly cheap. And such rich texture, Hit - such finely woven and beautifully coloured material. But tell me - how have the cloths which I have already sold you worn? The Austrian cloth, for instance?

Hit

The Austrian cloth is wearing very well, Nev, I thank you.

Nev

And the Spanish cloth?

Hit

It has a few rents in it, Nev, but they will be mended soon. No, it is not wearing so well, the Spanish cloth - not half so well as the African cloth you sold to my neighbour Muss. (Pause) But this new cloth - what is it? I trust you came by it honestly - I would never buy stolen goods, you know!

Nev

Of course not! I and my colleagues are the soul of honesty, like you. My friend, we have much in common. I think we ought to set up in partnership.

Hit

Ah, what a partnership that would be!

(Nev, Hit, Bubbles, Boring, Hades, and Runnymede come down to the front of the stage).

Nev

Think of it! Nev and Hit and Co.!

Duet

Hit and Nev

(Air - Original Music)

Nev and Hit

Oh listen, ye of low degree,
Oh hearken to us, bourgeoisie,
The humble and the courtly!
We want the populace to know
The firm of Nev and Hit & Co.
Is starting business shortly.

At our branch in Downing Street
Our representatives will meet
Conservative and Tory;
In Italy our firm will see
All those who can afford our fee,
Signora and Signori.

page 8 Bubbles, Boring Hades and Runnymede

In short, for every dirty deed
You daren't yourself commit,
Just call at once on Hit and Nev,
And they'll accomplish it!
Por dirty work you all should go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.

Whole Chorus

For dirty work we'll always go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.!

(The six men do a delightful dance, while the Vikings and Trolls repeat the whole of the chorus after "In short for." The dance should be short and consist of a parody of the usual German folk-dance - i.e., slapping hands and knees etc).

Nev & Hit

We have the sole monopoly
Of sending arms across the sea
On terms for any distance -
To help foment an armed revolt
And slaughter every foolish dolt
Who dares to show resistance!

The firm will do its level best
To break a treaty on request,
With nonchalance impressive;
For sending troops to subjugate
An unimportant minor state,
Our fees are not excessive.

Bubbles, Boring Hades and Runnymede

In short, for every dirty deed
You daren't yourself commit,
Just call at once on Nev and Hit,
And they'll accomplish it!
For dirty work you all should go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.!

Whole chorus

For dirty work we'll always go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.!

(The humourous ballet is repeated by the sextette).

Nev and Hit

And if you find our little jests
Affect your vested interests,
Or else curtail your leisure,
And you can find a larger fee
Than other clients, we'll agree
To double cross with pleasure!

We'll conquer lands beyond the seas -
We'll sell you back your colonies,
At special cut-rate prices;
In short, my friends, you would go far
To find a finer repertoire
Of diplomatic vices!

Bubbles, Boring Hades and Runnymede

In short, for every dirty deed
You daren't yourself commit,
Just call at once on Hit and Nev,
And they'll accomplish it!
For dirty work you all should go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.!

Whole Chorus

For dirty work we'll always go
At once to Nev and Hit & Co.!

(No ballet here. Hit returns to the throne, and Bubbles and Boring stand beside it. The other three stand in front of the throne).

Hit

Well, my Friend - this new material of yours. Let me see it. What is the price?

page 9

(Nev opens bag and takes out a roll of cloth coloured in black and white squares like a draughtboard)

Nev

(impressively) Look at this, Hut - look at it! Let your eyes feast on it and desire it, for it is beautiful! It is the latest check cloth from across the sea - brought to Briton by a band of wandering Phoenician merchants. It will be very useful, Hit - it will wear well, and will be a great step towards the completion of your collection.

Hit

True, Nev. Let me feel it. (Nev allows him to feel the cloth) Ah, how superb! It is finer than gossamer and yet as strong as steel! How much is the check cloth?

Nev

Well, Hit, the sale of the check cloth is going to be a little more difficult than the sale of the other cloths. You see, the people of Briton - stupid dolts - are saying amongst themselves that I should not have sold you the other cloths.

Hit

But why, Nev?

Nev

Oh, they have some silly idea that we don't really own these cloths we are selling. Utterly absurd, of course, but sometimes you have to take a little notice of what the people are saying. It's an awful bore.

Hit

It is, Nev. But then, what are you going to do?

Nev

I'm going to meet you half way, Hit. I anticipated that you would wish to buy the check cloth, so I told the Britons that you were about to march to seize it by force. They wouldn't like that at all, but they wouldn't mind if I sold it to you, provided you gave me a guarantee that your legions would not march.

Hit

I couldn't commit Adolmania to anything.

Nev

Oh, but you needn't say anything definite. You needn't actually guarantee not to make war - just a few words about friendship between the nations and desiring peace. The Britons love that.

Hit

I think I know what you want. Bubbles, fetch a copy of blurb number forty-four.

Bubbles

Blurb number forty-four it is, Sir.

(Exit Bubbles, right)

Hit

And if I sign this agreement, you will sell me the check cloth?

Nev

I will give you the check cloth, oh Hit! The people of Briton will be so relieved when I tell them that you will not march that they will shower me with honours.

(Enter Bubbles, right)

Bubbles

Blurb number forty-four, Sir.

(Gives paper to Hit)

Hit

Will this suit?

Nev

(Reads) "Symbolic desire"... "never to go to war against each other again"... "methods of consultation"... "assuring the peace of Europe"...- yes, that's wonderful! Here -sign it!

page 10 Hit

(Taking quill pen from Bubbles' ear and signing) There you are! And now you (Pause) This is fun, isn't it?

Nev

(Signing) Good! (Pause - then impressively - ) And here is the check cloth, oh Hit12 The crisis is over!

(Nev presents the roll of cloth to Hit. The orchestra strikes up suddenly and loudly - "Rule Britannia")

Hit

Take this cloth, Boring, and guard it from harm. It is very precious.

Boring

It will be safe in my tender care, oh Hit!

(Nev hands the signed paper to Hades and Runnymede, who examine it with interest)

Hades

Another guarantee! Think what that's going to cost us for further re-armament!

Hit

And have you any other cloth, Nev, in your store? Perhaps an even richer cloth?

(Nev whispers to Hades and Hummymede. They giggle naughtily, and nod)

Nev

(Impressively) What will you offer for this cloth, Hit?

(He opens the bag, like a magician, and displays a roll of red, white, and blue bunting. The viking gasp. Hit is staggered; the general effect is electric.)

Nev

(Giggling) That gave them a turn, didn't it?

Hit

You - you will really sell me that cloth?

Nev

Oh well - it's very expensive, you know -

Hit

(Dangerously) Perhaps it won't be necessary for you to sell it to me, Nev.

Nev

What - what do you mean?

Hit

Boring, seize him!

(Boring and some Vikings seize Hades, Runnymede, and Nev, who struggle)

Hades

Here - I say, this is a bit thick!

Runnymede

It really isn't cricket, damn it all!

Nev

By my sacred umbrella, I shall order my Government to send a note of protest.

Hades

No, don't do that, Nev old chap. We want to get out of this mess.

Hit

One moment, my friends. Bubbles, fetch me disguise number four. (Bubbles exits left) Nev, you are not going to return to Briton - yet.

Nev

Not - not going to return to Briton?

Hit

No. I am going over in your stead - disguised as you! (To the Vikings) Let him follow later if he wishes. I have a little plan which I want to try out.

(Enter Bubbles with a moustache)

page 11 Nev

You fool! Don't you suppose they'll see through you?

Hit

(Sticking the moustache, which is exactly like Nev's, on his upper lip) Well, they didn't see through you, did they? As a matter of fact, I don't think any of them will notice the slightest difference.

(Boring puts the check cloth in the trunk, and places the trunk into a coracle. Bubbles and Boring clamber into the foremost coracle. Hit removes Nev's hat, tie, and bear skin, and morning coat, and dons them himself, leaving Nev attired in a vest and a delightful pair of pink drawers. A Viking, seeing the awful sight, covers his eyes, turns away, and hands Nev his own cloak, which he dons. Hit takes Nev's umbrella, and, waving it to the Vikings, gets into the remaining coracle. The three Britons struggle wildly, The Vikings and Trolls burst into their chorus, and the three coracles sail slowly off stage).

Chorus
Vikings and Trolls
Oh, we are the Vikings, the scourge of the sea,
And we savagely ravage the rolling main;
If you had once witnessed our valour you'd flee
If you saw us approaching again.

We're a strong and terrible throng, ha ha!
For war and slaughter we long, ha ha!
And this is our rollicking song, ha ha!
This is our rollicking song -

Oh, we are the Vikings, the scourge of the sea,
And we savagely ravage the main.

Slow Curtain