Chorus II:

Umbugonian National Anthem.

Umbugonian National Athem.

(Air: Funiculi Funicula)

1. The dearest spot on earth (so far invented)
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!
Where every breeze that blows is nicely scented,
Is Umbug-og! Bugoniah!
That and that makes your bosom sort of tender
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!
Because it's just a mass of scenic splendour,
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!

Chorus:
Umbug! Umbug! Umbugoniah!
Umbug! Umbug! Umbugoniah!
We don't know who, we don't know why,
We don't know where or what you are!
The only show we care to know
Is Umbugonian!
(Bugoniah! Bugoniah!)

2. The land that's featured first in song and story
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah?
Where any fool at all can climb to glory,
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!
The place we're quite prepared to steal or lie for
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!
But which of course we don't intend to die for,
Is Umbug-oh! Bugoniah!

Chorus:
Umbug! Umbug! etc.
More salutes.

Must.:

Gentlemen, be seated.

D. sits behind table. The Councillors dispose of themselves in easy chairs. Must, stansds besides D. behind table.

Gentlemen of the Profoundly High Council of the Nozi Dictatorate of Umbugonia. As you well know, the affairs of our country are in a state of crisis. We are on the eve of tremendous happenings... the outcome of which will decide the future happiness of our citizens...perhaps the very existence of our country. We must lose no time in getting down to business. I hope you all enjoyed your visit to the pictures this evening.

Stonio (the radical):

Not I. Don't you ever feed the fleas in that place? They've bitten me red.

Donnepundblitz:

Ha, ha. It would take more than that to explain your colour, Stonio, you damn

Ogpushki:

You call him Conmanist because he does not like war. Yet you would paint everything red with blood.

page break Stonio.

Not I. Don't they ever feed the fleas in that place? They've bitten me red.

Donner.

Ha, ha. It would take more than that to explain your colour, Stonio, you damned radical.

Ogpu.

Stonio a radical! Don't make me laugh. He's a radish... red on the outside...white within.

Blotto.

Especially in the region of the liver. Lilee!

Carramba.

Tiger lily!

Stonio.

It's a lie! I've a liver like a horse...strong and stable. I am ready to shed my blood for the people's...

All.

Beer!

Sapristi.

In the People's Palace.

Donner.

That wasn't where he was bitten.

Blotto.

Blood is cheap...bloody cheap. The next time you pass the Gear Company...

Stonio.

Yes, I know...always somebody else's blood. ..never your own!

Sapristi.

Leave him alone, Stonio. You know very well that he would willingly shed his blood for his country...if only...he were...twenty years younger.

All.

Ah...if only...I...were...twenty...years...

Stonio.

And if you had a thousand sons, you would sacrifice them all to the Nozi cause.

Carramba.

We would, we would, we would! For Umbugonia, Home, and Beauty!

Donner.

And the beer War.

Stonio.

But none of you have any, you...bally...old...seedless... raisins!

During the foregoing, Must has been whispering to Doolittell. He now turns his attention impatiently to Councillors.

Must.

Peace, gentlemen, peace. (Then as in script.)

page 5 Clamorceau:

Blood is cheap... very cheap, The next time you pass a butcher's shop...

Stenie:

Yes I know... always somebody else's [unclear: bloed]... never your own.

Saprisi:

Leave him alone Stonio. You knew very well that he would willingly shed his blood for his country...if he were only twenty years younger.

All (except Stonio):

Ha...if only...I were twenty...years...

Stonio (sardonically):

But none of you have any, you baily old... seedless... raisins.

Must. (who has been listening with a bland smile):

Peace, gentleman, peace. The time you see, is getting on.

He moves on hands of clock a bit.

We have important issues to decide before the stroke of twelve.

Stonio:

And what is going to happen on the stroke of twelve?

D.:

We go home, of course.

Must.:

All in good time, my Stonio. New, gentlemen deputies, you know what [unclear: delicate] has summoned this meeting at my orders.

Stonio:

Yes...so that government of the people...for the people...and by the people...sh ll not perish from the face of the earth.

Must.:

That is a subversive statement, Stonio, and extremely distasseful to me.

Stonio:

I represent the people.

Must.:

You represent nothing. I am the people.

Stonio (indicating Councillors):

You are these people, perhaps...

Councillors (together):

Shut...up.

Must.:

Thank you, messieurs, These interruptions consume valuable time.

Moves clock on.

I was about to inform you of the purpose of our meeting. Well, then, let it be known to you that I, Bunke Mustalin-itlerassinini, Dictator of Umbugonia, have caused to be served upon the Government of Aspirinnia...to be answered not later than twelve tonight...an ultimatum.

page 6 Stonio (jumping up):

Hare, I say...

Others (together):

Don't interrupt.

Stonio subsides, muttering.

Must.:

Thank you, most reverend, grave, and potent signiors. Our friend Stonio is undoubtedly conversing with one of the comrades that bit him in the-picture palace this evening. My deepest sympathies, dear Stonio; there is unemployment among fleas as well as among Umbugonians at the present time. Time?...ha, that reminds me.

Moves clock on.

Clamorceau:

Most Noble Frightfulness, shall we be permitted to learn before midnight what is to happen at midnight.

Donnerundblitz:

Honoured we would be, Superlative Importance, did you but inform us what the approach of time is to bring down upon us.

Must.:

My dear deputies, only the ill-conditioned interpolations of our radical friend here prevents me. Time doth fly indeed.

Moves clock on.

I must hurry, Comrades, you have long been aware of the terrible disability under which the women of our beautiful Umbugonia labour. Not only is this land...but in every land upon the globe...or rather, I should say, in every civilized land...I mean, of course, reasonably civilized... women no longer present a brave front to the world...for their chief means of frontage has gone.

Stonio:

Time is going too.

Must.:

So I observe, dear Stonio.

Moves clock on.

To be brieff, gentlemen, there is a world shortage of lipstick.

All:

What!!

Must.:

It is a fact, gentlemen. Our ladies languish for love, but what is love without lipstick? I ask you, how can kisses count without colour? Can you be ravishing without ruddiness in the region of the rat-trap?

Moves lips up and down and pulls mouth open at sides so as to look gargoylish.

Voices (after watching him fascinatedly):

No!

Must. (warming up):

There is a famine in fascination. No longer are the lips of Russia rosy red. No longer are the rose-buds of Britain beefy. The lips of far-away Invercargill are dry. Lips have lost their face-value. And why?

Stonio:

Go on...I'll be the tulip.

page 7 Must. (becoming excited):

Why? Because a barbarous, uncilivized uncultured people who own the sources of supply of this invaluable commodity refuse under any circumstances to make these sources available to mankind...

Voices:

Shame!

Must.:

...unless a royalty is paid to them on every ton taken from the lipstick mines. Shame...of course it is a shame. Are we accustomed to pay for things? Does anyone pay for anything if he can help? Did you pay to go to the pictures tonight?

Voices:

No...never!

Must.:

We ask this people for lipstick. They do not even give us lip service. They merely give us lip. Can a proud people such as ours submit to such tyranny?

Voices:

No.

Must.:

The eyes of the world are upon us...as they have ever been upon us since the day when our beauty first burst upon an astonished universe. That beauty is now at stake. Shall we suffer these ignorant Aspirhinelanders to deny that beauty to the world?

Voices:

Nor me. Nor I. Nor me. Nor I.

Stonio (grumbling):

I wish you wouldn't ask so many questions Time is getting on.

Must.:

So it is.

Moves clock on.

As I was saying, gentlemen, the fundamental principle of our Nozi State is beauty first, last, and all the time. Beauty right or wrong. Beauty for ever and for ever.

Gestures so as to move clock on.

Fully conscious, therefore, of the gravity of the situation ...involving as it does the sacred honour of our womenkind ...and supremely conscious of our responsibilities towards mankind...I have called upon these infamous Aspirinnians to cede to Umbugonia in full and absolute possession, with exclusive rights of exploitation, unencumbered and free from debts and charges of any kind, the lipstick mines situated in the Aspirhineland, such cession to take effect from midnight tonight.

Moves clock on.

Failing a satisfactory reply by the time stated...

He draws his hand expressively across his throat.

Stonio (jumping up):

Mr. Dictator.

Must.:

Silence! Do you realize that, this ultimatum having been delivered, the national honour is now at stake? Do you realize that, from the hour of midnight tonight, our national existence is at stake?... the existence of our fatherland, our motherland, our brotherland, our sisterland, our wholedam-familyland, with its offspring and progeny down to countless page 8 generations yet unborn, all looking to us with their little baby arms and their trusting little infant eyes, crying to us in the beautiful innocence of childhood to preserve their inheritance for them, the land of our fathers, the land we love...

Stonio (again):

But, Highness...

Must.:

I beg of you, Stonio, not to disturb the solemnity of these sacred proceedings with your baby-killing tactics. Silence! I will allow no one to stand between me and the safety of my beloved babes. Gentlemen, a little thought will enable you to realize the depths to which the malignant enmity of these vicious barbarians of Aspirhineland may yet descend. When we send our legions of shirttails against them...as it seems we shall be compelled to do... our beautiful young men...the flower of our Nozi manhood... they will mercilessly kill them. Shall a lesser breed without the law do that and remain unpunished?

Vocies:

No, No.

Must.:

We must punish them...punish them rigorously for the shocking mutilation they will inflict upon the brave troops we send out to kill them. Gentlemen, I see in a vision thousands of young Umbagonians mangled and dying... gasping out their promising young lives upon the cruel desert sands... ignominiously and murderously slam by puffian savages... who, if they had offended in no other way, have sinned against High Heaven and Me by being born in the wrong place.

Voices:

Yow!

Must.:

With their last breaths our young men who are to go out and die call upon us...upon you...upon me...to execute a just [unclear: vengoone] upon those who are to being About their untimely doom. Shall their appeal fall upon dieaf ears?

Voices:

No, no, never.

Must.:

Their sacrifice shall not be in vain. We will smite the enemy root and branch, hip and thighm fore and aft, from top to toe, from Newtown Park to Thorndon Quay...we will never sheathe the sword until we have restored justice and security to the nations...until we have brought into being a brave and new world in which peace, perpetual peace, shall reign and the cruel scourge of war for ever be banished from the polities of men.

Voices:

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

Stonio is trying to get a word in but cannot.

Must.:

Gentlemen you-have heard me. Is it war or peace?

Voices:

Wa r!

Stonio (more loudly).

Peace!

Must.:

I beg your pardon.

Stonio:

Insane Magnificence, you cannot decide like this, is not yet midnight.

Must.:

Midnight or not, it is war.

Turns towards clock to move it on.

page break Must.

Gentlemen, you have heard me. Is it war or peace? Anyone that wants peace shall get it.

All (except Stonio).

War!

Stonio (more loudly).

Peace.'

Must.

I beg your pardon.

Stonio.

Insane Magnificance, you cannot decide like this. The people do not want lipstick. They want shaving cream.

All (except Stonio).

Never!

Each grabs own whiskers, glowers, then sits.

Must.

Too late, Stonio, too late.

Stonio.

It is not yet twelve.

Must.

If it were not yet thirteen, it is war.

Turns to clock.

All (except Stonio).

War!

Stonio.

Highness, I insist. There is yet the reply.

Must.

Reply? what reply?

Stonio.

I have good grounds for the belief that the Asperhine-landers have replied offering us their B. O. deposits.

Must.

What? what do you mean? I have received no reply.

Doolittell.

I instructed the Postmaster-General to jam the radio.

Must.

If a reply had come, I should have received it by now.

Doolittell.

No reply has come.

page 9

Turns towards clock to move it on.

Stonio:

I insist. There is yet the reply.

Must.:

Reply? What reply?

Stonio:

I have good grounds for the belief that the Aspirhine-landers have replied conceding our demands.

Must.:

What? What do you mean? I have received no reply.

D.:

No reply has come.

Must.:

If a reply had come, I would have received it by now.

Moves clock on a bit.

Stonio.:

Call your secretary.

Must.:

Call your Boolittell.

D.:

Cuthbert!

Cuthbert appears.

Is there a telegram?

Cuthbert (producing telegram, but not from trousers pocket) Here, sir.

Must.:

(snatching telegram): Give it me. (reads) "Quintuplets born. Everything o.k. Do I get anything?" What...what... what...?

D.:

I think it's a matter for the Police...riotous assemblies...

Must.:

This is going to upset the Government Statistician.

Cuthbert:

What reply shall I send, Magnificence?

Doolittell:

The fellow wants to know what he gets out of it.

Must.(viciously):

Tell him he gets nothing out of it but trouble.. butcher, baker, candlestick-maker, teacher, vaudeville, New Zealand Truth, all the pests of society and later on, the marriage market. Oh, tell him I neither praise nor blame. And you...get out!

Cuthbert:

Yessir.

Must.:

Damn these intarruptions! You see...time's up.

About to move clock.

Stonio (jumping up):

There's a trick somewhere. You are betraying the people!

Must.:

What!

Voices:

He has insulted the Dictator! Seize him.

They goose-step towards Stonio, who dodges (on the goose-step) and produces a revolver.

page 10 Stonio:

Come closer and I shoot. If you want war, you shall have it...right here. You shall have it nowhere else. Get back if you don't want load poisoning. I'm going.

Must.:

Where are you going?

Stonio:

I'm going to arouse the people!

Exit Stonio. Others look at Must. Must. Slowly turns thumb down.

D.:

Cuthbert!

Cuthbert:

Yessir.

D.:

War regulation number ninetynine. Elimination of political malcontents. Quickly before he leaves the building.

ExitCuthbert on run.

Must.:

An unfortunate incident, gentlemen, but perhaps not unexpected. In the terrible crisis we are passing through I can brook no disloyalty. The people... bah!. No one shall corrupt them and live. My noble...loving...subjects. Shall I let them think differently from me? Shall I let any of you think differently from me?

Voices:

Never.

Must.:

Thank you, my dear, dear friends,

Enter Cuthbert droopily.

Well?

Cuthbert:

Liquidated.

Must.:

Gentlemen, you will stand in honour of cur poor friend and comrade. May he rest in pieces.

While assemblage stands, with bowed heads, Must, moves hands of clock to twelve.

Ha! The fateful hour.

Seizes striker. Cuthbert, who has been pawing about his pockets for a hankie or something, suddenly pulls out the telegram given to him at commencement of scene.

Cuthbert (in alarm):

Magnificence!

Must.:

Silence!

Cuthbert:

Insane Magnificence!

Cuthbert tries to reach Must. Others restrain him. Must. Who has been sorting out a place on bell and guaging the distance, gives the bell a wallop. Faint cheers are heard outside.

Voices:

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

page 11

They dance about, slapping one another's backs etc., etc.

Must.(to Cuthbert):

What did you interrupt for?

Cuthbert (handing him telegram):

The reply. It came hours age.

Must.:

Then it came too late. The signal has been taken up. Gentlemen, we are at war with the Aspirhinelanders. Our shirttailla are by new across the enemy frontier.

Voices:

Hail! All hail!

Nozi salutes.

Must.:

This war is a crusade which we must wage...first in the interests of national security...second to preserve the national honour...third to make the world safe for democracy...fourth as a war to end war...fifth whatever the nespapers like to pretend.

Voices:

Hooray, hooray, hooray.