Adam in Wonderland [1939]
Scene 2
Scene 2
(Still in the Court Room)
His ExAnd so gentlemen, in view of the gross insult that has been offered by this hole-digger to Her Excellency, I can no longer allow the Doormouse and his band of aliens, whose claims to office est after all merely on two electoral victories, to hold the reins of the ship of state which may at any time explode like a bubble leaving in our mouths the taste of dust and ashes. I have therefore decided to demand the immediate resignation of one whom we can at best regard as an insufferable cad. (Turning to Doormouse) Your resignation is accepted.(Turning to Adam) and now, Sir, realising your merit as a leader, your cabalities as an orator, your astuteness as a statesman, and your undoubted popularity at garden parties, we beg of you to assume the office of Prime Minister and to form a cabinet. Will you?
AdamWill I?
(Adam kneels before Governor)
His Ex(Tapping Adam with umbrella) Rise Sir Adam of Wallaceville, I dub thee knight.
Mad Hatter(Aside and very vulgarly) Knight? Night bloody starvation!
AdamWe appreciate your Excellency's offer, but don't think I am in a position to form a cabinet.
His ExWhy not?
AdamThere are not enough men on my side of the house to do that and besides there isn't one I could trust!
His ExWell, I give you a free hand.
AdamA free hand! As a scotsman I appreciate such generosity. My life's ambition, my dreams come true, Dictator of Wonderland, this Wonderland of the Pacific, this Eden of the South.
His Ex(To Mad Hatter) Go, you human borer (Exit Mad Hatter) We must proclaim this to the waiting people immediately. (Produces bulb motor horn and honks.)
(Enter White Rabbit)
White RabbitI'm late, I'm late, oh what will Her Excellency say?
AdamIt doesn't matter what she says, it's what I say now, for a change.
His ExYes, my constitutional position now closely resembles that of the King of the Wops. Apart from a few military inspections and Vice Regal Balls, my pleasures will be limited to huntin' shootin' and fishin'.
AdamTell Professor Swelley to arrange a National Hook-up from the North Cape to the Bluff.
1st Cit(Aside) Mostly Bluff.
AdamAnd toll him when he's done, that he's sacked.
page 6We don't want to listen to his highbrow programmes -Shakespeare, Japneese House boy, Eb and Zeb, and all that classical stuff.
(Exit White Rabbit.)
Her ExAnd talking about sacking - what about Scrim?
AdamYes, I'll teach him to send my organiser through a sever- even if he did come out as dirty as when he? went in. I'll make him the man on the street and see how he likes it. (Consternation)
(Enter Tingi Kaweewee with Microphone)
TINGIGood evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Tingi Kaweewee taking over from whoever was here before. When the gong goes it will be exactly one and three quarter minutes past nine. (Business) Where is the gong? (His Ex producers hooter and hoots.) Exactly sixteen years ago today Thorndon Baths were last cleaned out - time rolls on and more and more people agree that women are so much better. And now for our "In Town Tonight Session". For the first time in history we present the Dictator in Wonderland - Sir Adam Bluffed in his world famous exclusive feature - "Even Adam did it." Sir Adamits all yours - take it away.
(Adam takes off coat and reveals Red, White and Blue. Wellesly Football Jersey.)
AdamPeople of the new state, last time I spoke to you over this hookup I was pleading for your votes. But I've changed all that. Your voting papers are now as valuable as Reserve. Bank Notes. With the aid of Colonol Messtin and his league of Frontiersmen, and the new Scottish Regiment. I shall restore order to this fair land. I want to see justice done, so that the rich may become richer, and the poor may become poorer - much poorer. The good book says the poor are always with us. It would be sacrilege to do away with the Door. Why we very nearly lost them in the last few years. We want to see the honest business man of this country get a square deal - a good deal. I'm going to make this land a land over which the good old Union Jack will be proud to wave, a land of rugged individualism, a land of sterling worth but no sterling control. More British than Britain.
(Crowd cheer frantically and orchestra plays first bar of "Rule Britannia)
to
TingiWe are now returning/the studio for "Easy Aces".
(Gong)
Adam(turning to Tingi) Well done, my good and faithful servant, I know that you can be relied on to serve any Government. I've always said that one man should control both broadcasting services - henceforth you shall be Director of National broadcasting.
TingiYou don't contemplate a reduction in salary to such [unclear: a] faithful servant?
AdamCertainly not! You shall have both salaries. You page 7 will of course, be expected to contribute to the party funds.
TingiBut certainly - like many others I paid my half-crown subscription before last election, but that doesn't prove anything.
(Exit Tingi going into fits of laughter and the wings.)
AdamNow, gentlemen, if you don't mind, I must have leisure to contemplate my actions in the near future. If you wouldn't mind - I want to be alone.
(Exit Crowd singing
Hi ho hi ho! The country's falling low
Now you dictate, God help the State
Hi ho hi ho hi ho!
(Deep in thought) 2ZB or not ZB that is the question.
(Enter Messenger)
MessengerRelief - they beg you to lift from their shoulders the crushing burden of taxation, to save them from the shame of falsifying their income tax returns to remove the import restrictions, and to save them from a pauper's grave.
AdamAdmit them, I intend to do all I can to help the deserving poor.
(Enter the Chamber of Comics, led by White Rabbit. They are dressed in Dinner Jackets, red, white and blue kilts, bowler hats, black socks and suspenders. Orchestra plays Dead March in Saul. Deputation chants.
ChantWe are the poor - save us from a pauper's grave, Our purses are empty - a crust is all we crave.
(They nudge the White Rabbit forward.)
AdamWell, gentlemen, what can I do for you ?
White RabbitYou know what we want.
AdamYes'. I know what you want!
White RabbitExcellent'. Now we've reached an amicable settlement, we can advise the new British High Commissioner for New Zealand.
AllOh, dear, what can the Batterbee? (3)
1st MemberWhat an achievement! What a triumph! The removal of the Import restrictions.
2nd MemberAnd now we can cease being patriotic.
White RabbitWhat do you mean - cease being patriotic.
2nd MemberWell, the 20th century version of a patriot is man who sends his capital out of the country when the people elect a Labour Government.
White RabbitOh yes! I agree that such patriotic gestures will