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Adam in Wonderland [1939]

Scene 2

page 5

Scene 2

(Still in the Court Room)

His Ex

And so gentlemen, in view of the gross insult that has been offered by this hole-digger to Her Excellency, I can no longer allow the Doormouse and his band of aliens, whose claims to office est after all merely on two electoral victories, to hold the reins of the ship of state which may at any time explode like a bubble leaving in our mouths the taste of dust and ashes. I have therefore decided to demand the immediate resignation of one whom we can at best regard as an insufferable cad. (Turning to Doormouse) Your resignation is accepted.(Turning to Adam) and now, Sir, realising your merit as a leader, your cabalities as an orator, your astuteness as a statesman, and your undoubted popularity at garden parties, we beg of you to assume the office of Prime Minister and to form a cabinet. Will you?

Adam

Will I?

(Adam kneels before Governor)

His Ex

(Tapping Adam with umbrella) Rise Sir Adam of Wallaceville, I dub thee knight.

Mad Hatter

(Aside and very vulgarly) Knight? Night bloody starvation!

Adam

We appreciate your Excellency's offer, but don't think I am in a position to form a cabinet.

His Ex

Why not?

Adam

There are not enough men on my side of the house to do that and besides there isn't one I could trust!

His Ex

Well, I give you a free hand.

Adam

A free hand! As a scotsman I appreciate such generosity. My life's ambition, my dreams come true, Dictator of Wonderland, this Wonderland of the Pacific, this Eden of the South.

His Ex

(To Mad Hatter) Go, you human borer (Exit Mad Hatter) We must proclaim this to the waiting people immediately. (Produces bulb motor horn and honks.)

(Enter White Rabbit)

White Rabbit

I'm late, I'm late, oh what will Her Excellency say?

Adam

It doesn't matter what she says, it's what I say now, for a change.

His Ex

Yes, my constitutional position now closely resembles that of the King of the Wops. Apart from a few military inspections and Vice Regal Balls, my pleasures will be limited to huntin' shootin' and fishin'.

Adam

Tell Professor Swelley to arrange a National Hook-up from the North Cape to the Bluff.

1st Cit

(Aside) Mostly Bluff.

Adam

And toll him when he's done, that he's sacked.

page 6

We don't want to listen to his highbrow programmes -Shakespeare, Japneese House boy, Eb and Zeb, and all that classical stuff.

(Exit White Rabbit.)

Her Ex

And talking about sacking - what about Scrim?

Adam

Yes, I'll teach him to send my organiser through a sever- even if he did come out as dirty as when he? went in. I'll make him the man on the street and see how he likes it. (Consternation)

(Enter Tingi Kaweewee with Microphone)

TINGI

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Tingi Kaweewee taking over from whoever was here before. When the gong goes it will be exactly one and three quarter minutes past nine. (Business) Where is the gong? (His Ex producers hooter and hoots.) Exactly sixteen years ago today Thorndon Baths were last cleaned out - time rolls on and more and more people agree that women are so much better. And now for our "In Town Tonight Session". For the first time in history we present the Dictator in Wonderland - Sir Adam Bluffed in his world famous exclusive feature - "Even Adam did it." Sir Adamits all yours - take it away.

(Adam takes off coat and reveals Red, White and Blue. Wellesly Football Jersey.)

Adam

People of the new state, last time I spoke to you over this hookup I was pleading for your votes. But I've changed all that. Your voting papers are now as valuable as Reserve. Bank Notes. With the aid of Colonol Messtin and his league of Frontiersmen, and the new Scottish Regiment. I shall restore order to this fair land. I want to see justice done, so that the rich may become richer, and the poor may become poorer - much poorer. The good book says the poor are always with us. It would be sacrilege to do away with the Door. Why we very nearly lost them in the last few years. We want to see the honest business man of this country get a square deal - a good deal. I'm going to make this land a land over which the good old Union Jack will be proud to wave, a land of rugged individualism, a land of sterling worth but no sterling control. More British than Britain.

(Crowd cheer frantically and orchestra plays first bar of "Rule Britannia)

to

Tingi

We are now returning/the studio for "Easy Aces".

(Gong)

Adam

(turning to Tingi) Well done, my good and faithful servant, I know that you can be relied on to serve any Government. I've always said that one man should control both broadcasting services - henceforth you shall be Director of National broadcasting.

Tingi

You don't contemplate a reduction in salary to such [unclear: a] faithful servant?

Adam

Certainly not! You shall have both salaries. You page 7 will of course, be expected to contribute to the party funds.

Tingi

But certainly - like many others I paid my half-crown subscription before last election, but that doesn't prove anything.

(Exit Tingi going into fits of laughter and the wings.)

Adam

Now, gentlemen, if you don't mind, I must have leisure to contemplate my actions in the near future. If you wouldn't mind - I want to be alone.

(Exit Crowd singing

Hi ho hi ho! The country's falling low
Now you dictate, God help the State
Hi ho hi ho hi ho!

Adam

(Deep in thought) 2ZB or not ZB that is the question.

(Enter Messenger)

Messenger

Relief - they beg you to lift from their shoulders the crushing burden of taxation, to save them from the shame of falsifying their income tax returns to remove the import restrictions, and to save them from a pauper's grave.

Adam

Admit them, I intend to do all I can to help the deserving poor.

(Enter the Chamber of Comics, led by White Rabbit. They are dressed in Dinner Jackets, red, white and blue kilts, bowler hats, black socks and suspenders. Orchestra plays Dead March in Saul. Deputation chants.

Chant

We are the poor - save us from a pauper's grave, Our purses are empty - a crust is all we crave.

(They nudge the White Rabbit forward.)

Adam

Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you ?

White Rabbit

You know what we want.

Adam

Yes'. I know what you want!

White Rabbit

Excellent'. Now we've reached an amicable settlement, we can advise the new British High Commissioner for New Zealand.

All

Oh, dear, what can the Batterbee? (3)

1st Member

What an achievement! What a triumph! The removal of the Import restrictions.

2nd Member

And now we can cease being patriotic.

White Rabbit

What do you mean - cease being patriotic.

2nd Member

Well, the 20th century version of a patriot is man who sends his capital out of the country when the people elect a Labour Government.

White Rabbit

Oh yes! I agree that such patriotic gestures will