I Can't Get a Girl to Practise on

Sid
When I was eight I planned to be a lover,
Like the ones you read about in books.
I studied first the lives of Casanova
And did everything I could to improve my looks.
I studied all the lovers for seven nights a week
And read all the great works that dealt with their technique.
So now I have the theory,
But I've found out that the fact is
You can never be a lover if you don't get any practise.
I have developed a new theory
I don't see how it can go wrong.
But I am getting weary because though I've got a theory,
I can't get a girl to practise on.
There must be something strange about me
That's making everything go wrong.
When they see me coming all the girls they start a-running
I can't get a girl to practise on.
I know where a babbling brook flows by a shady nook.
But no-one goes there with me
I just go there to read a book.
I've tried on numerous occasions,
But something's always going wrong,
And I am getting weary because though I've got a theory
I can't get a girl to practise on.

Headmistress
My life was always unromantic,
I lived like an automaton
So if you want some wooing and some billing and some cooing
I am just the girl to practise on.
My husband didn't understand me
He thought that I could get along
Without even the mention of an amorous intention
So I'm just the girl to practise on.
Never has my passionate heart enjoyed a lover's art.
My husband was an iceberg
And knocked me back before I'd start.

Both
So now we understand each other
And it seems that we can get along.
So let's make it good and snappy

Sid
For I've found a girl to practise on.

Headmistress
For I'm just the girl to practise on.