Candy's Cantata

Candy:
When I was young, like other fools,
I went to one of Beeby's schools,
I didn't have to work, I'm glad to say,
They only taught me how to play.
I sat for exams but I never got a pass,
I always finished at the bottom of the class.

At school our teachers never taught us
Not to covet our neighbour's daughters,
They gave us all the simple facts
Of birds and bees and income tax.
So I spent my time in forging cheques
And carrying out research upon the opposite sex.

With happy smiles from all the staff,
I left the school at twenty and a half,
I gave up fags and climbing trees,
And now I had to cover up my knobbly knees.
As momentoes of my school career,
I pinched the master's table and a dozen of beer.

As years went by I tried to find
Employment of an easy kind,
At milking goats I came superior,
But began to suffer badly from a dented posterior.
I left the job without a quid,
For there ain't no bloomin' future for a dead-end kid.

My last job was in Woolworths stores
At Christmas time as Santa Claus,
But then worst luck I had to leave,
I swallowed half the whiskers and I couldn't breave.
I am an awful stupid slob,
I was obviously intended for a government job.