Other formats

    Adobe Portable Document Format file (facsimile images)   TEI XML file   ePub eBook file  

Connect

    mail icontwitter iconBlogspot iconrss icon

Cappicade Fiftyfive. "The Happy Squanderer" [1955]

Lyrics from the Show

page 29

Lyrics from the Show

A Song to Start the Show

1st Student:

What's playing at the Opera House?

2nd Student:

I'll tell you what's playing at the Opera House— the greatest show since Sid 'olland went to a night club in Malaya and let a Singapore him. That's what's playing at the Opera House.

4th Student:

What are you guys doing?

Others:

We'll tell you what we guys are doing. We're keeping the audience amused until they've had time to finish writing the script. That's what we guys are doing.

4th Student (indicates curtain):

What's happening back there?

Others:

We'll tell you what's happening back there. The Students are preparing an Eastern Scene that will knock the spots off Aly Khan's third wife's boudoir—that's what's happening back there.

All:

Yes, when students turn away from the scholastic

The result is almost certain to be drastic.

1. Extravaganza's here
Bringing laughter and cheer
So sit back and enjoy the show we have.
The dialogue is tame and the lyrics don't rhyme
And the dancing's so bad you'll surely be glad to leave
At half-time.

2. You will see a guy,
He's an M.P. of course
Giving shady stimulation to a horse
For its dope the nag's a glutton,
And the horse's name is well-known,
But the guy's only doing it in Extrav.

3. When you smell a gent
With Parisian scent,
You can bet that he's stinking about Extrav.
For he's been abroad for his countrymen's sake
But he must cease to roam and set out for home
Or his braces will break.

4. When you see a guy,
Floating out of the sky,
You can bet that he's doing it for Extrav.
He's a killer, he's a slayer,
It's the P.M. in Malaya,
But the guys only doin' it in Extrav.
Extrav, Extrav.
The guy's only doin' it in Extrav!

5. But if you see a joke
Give your neighbour a poke
Or he might miss the solitary gag we have.
And if he's getting drowsy
Well you know that he thinks we're lousy
But we'll still make him welcome at our Extrav.

Act I—Scene 1

An Eastern Market-place

Opening Chorus

Ho, so we sing while opening up our show,
Doesn't really mean a thing we know,
But still it's something to say
And it sounds much better than "Hey"
Hoping that you'll enjoy this year's Extrav.
Hopeful that it's not the last we have
So, if you're rearing to go,
And don't mind jokes slightly low
On with the show.

Barani's Song

Oh, I'm the famous Mustapha Barani,
The richest man from Africa to Greece,
So I spend the autumn bathing in Miami
And the winter chasing chorus girls in Nice, Very Nice.
Yes, I'm a Sheik, wild but meek,
I take a new wife every week,
But I haven't found one yet that's really right,
I've been on the scoot, with King Farouk
And now they've given him the boot
And done things to him from an unfair height.
I'm a regular Valentino,
At least, when full of vino
And when I get rife, with a pretty wife,
The husband heads for Reno.
Yes I'm a sheik, not mild but meek,
And I get sheikered every week
But I've been good for the past few days
So I think I'd better change my ways tonight.
I'll start in early,
And sock the gin till I get screaming tight,
Then grab a girlie,
And wreak a little damage, if she's chic tonight.

A Verse for the Vamp

For at a party, when I appear,

The girls get tarty, the men all cheer
The dames get het up
But all men get up,
To meet Narobi.

The old men simper, the young men faint,
The old maids whimper, "She's only paint."
But still the males
Start making trails,
To meet Narobi.

Men always find me charming
I'm the one they adore,
They think my smile's disarming
And my figure, they want to see more.

But I say, "Fred, don't get too free,"
My little feed is just for me
So don't get funny
For it costs money
To meet Narobi.

page 30

Sid's Song

I'm as naughty as Paris in spring time
I'm as fast as a student in May
Nevertheless I am forced to confess
That I'm really a wonderful guy.
I'm New Zealand's favourite statesman
Wandering along with my head in the sky
If I should fall please dont blame me at all
For I'm really a wonderful guy.
Royal Commissions make all my decisions
I don't have to make up my mind
Which is all to the good for if ever I should
I boggle to think what you'd find.
I am a smoothie who charms all the ladies
The taxpayers, too, I know just how to woo
And you will note from the way that they vote
That I'm really, I'm really, I'm really,
I'm really,
I'm really a wonderful guy.

Finale

Hip hip hooray for ouu ringenious Sheik,
He"s found a way to get rich in a week,
For all we need is a lead from the the well to a drum
Then we'll 'be rich, so watch out New Zealand, for
Beware, Barani's on his way;
The oily bird s coming out to stay,
So don't recoil at the thought of taking oil from your soil,
Just shout out hip, hip hooray.

Act 1—Scene 2

Miss Lovebody's Lament

Sings
I've got all the gen on handling men my dear Narcissus
I know a girl can't fail to win a male with red-hot kisses
I used to be, universally, known by all the boys as "Cuddles"
Though now, I find, I am more refined, I can still get hot when I've wined and dined.
And the Shiek, I feel can't resist appeal like mine, dear Plato
In a week that man will be weaker than a mashed potato
He just won't know what's hit him,
And then I shall outwit him,
And while he craves romance I'll slip the rights out of his pants.

The Crook's Cantata

Just remember what I've told you three,
I don't want any foolery;
Just get the Sheik whle we're at sea
And get those mining rights.

Miss L.—
You may rely on me, I'm sure,
For he'll be looking for armour
So I'll turn on some French allure
And strip down to my tights.

S. and FGS.—
And f the dame don't get the Boss,
Remember still that we
Will, by no means, be at a loss
Though we'll be all at sea.
Excuse us if we do not stay,
Our crook's tour's on its merry way,
And if you think crime doesn't pay
Your're due for several frights.

Act 1—Scene 3

A Song for Girls

We want men and we've heard it said
That they've 40,000 surplus
Down in old N Zed;
Think of every bed
Uninhabited
Men exhibited
Waiting to be wed
We want men
We want men
We want men
We want men
Our female instinct
Is very far from extinct
'Cos we want men
To satisfy our yen
Betya pretty life we do
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Betya pretty life we do
Betya pretty life we do

Captain's And Barani's Story

Underneath the table
I spend most of the year
Underneath the table
I finish off the beer
Every night you'll find me
Lying on the floor
Hoping that the party
Won't end till we have drunk some more
Drinking when it's raining
Drinking when its fine
I think-it's good to be alive
Bottles at my elbow
No wonder I feel gay
Underneath the table
I pass my nights away.

Sellington Here we Come!

Now here we are in Sellington,
Now our trip is done
Mal de mer we cannot bear
But still we've had some fun, fun, fun, etc.

So here's to our saucy ship,
Here's to the crew,
Here's hoping, gulls and buoys,
That we get what we want in Sellington.

page 31

Act 2—Scene 1

Parliament Song

This ole house is getting shaky
This ole house is collecting mould
This old house just groans and trembles
And the members get so old,
This ole house is a getting feeble;
Just like Him it's had its day.
It's a getting ready to meet its fate.

Drawing of a woman writing in a dark room

The script writers wish to thank Misses Barbara Haldane, Jo Hirsh Beal, and Shona Gale for valuable secretarial work.

Chorus
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the members
Ain't got time to lock the door
Ain't got time to oil the voters
Nor to fill no empty seats
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
It's a getting ready to meet its fate.
This old fate.

This ole house is afraid of critics.
This ole house is afraid of facts
This ole house wants home and comfort
Rather than to face the axe.
This ole house was once quite useful
This ole house once did much good
Now it seems to be unable
To sort the trees out from the wood.

A Song for Secretaries

Typists sing
We're cabinet's private secretariat,
We're the only ones to whom they can dictate,
But some honourable members we won't name
Have intentions that aren't quite the same;
Beware of the sofa bureaucrat.

We're Cabinet's private secretariat,
We're the only ones to whom they can dictate,
But in the long run we are out of luck,
Only pass they make is to pass the buck
Or starts talking through his Homburg hat.

Yes sir, we are the wenches
Whom the front Treasury benches
Occasionally like to pinch and pat,
But stenographers recognise the type,
Give him onions when he hands out tripe,
But the next general election will provide a new selection in Parliament....

A Song for Parliamentarians

Division bells, division bells
Ringing all the day,
Oh! what, fun in Bellamy's
Till they call us away.

Division bells, division bells
Sound their reveille,
We drop our cues
And leave our booze,
We dare not disobey.

Verse
Intent on comic strips
We utter pointless quips
Mouths filled with acid drips,
Pull faces at the whips,
Such lovely fun and games,
We call each other names,
Each one the other blames,
All day ad nauseames.

page 34

Chorus
Division belle, division bells,
Keep us up at night,
Oh how tiresome it can get
When Opposition's fight.
Please take them away,
If they were silent
We could stay
In Bellamy's all day.

Delinquent's Song

We're too darn young,
We're too darn young,
We should be good, but we want to be bad,
Do what we should but we want to be bad,
That's why there's much more fun to be had,
But we're too darn young.

Another Song For Parliamentarians

Some think an M.P.'s life all skittles and beer,
Some think an M.P.'s life a holiday mere,
'When people ask about the life that we lead
There's one thing on which we are all agreed.

Never, never be an M.P.
If you value your self-respect;
Never, never he an M.P.
Compromising your intellect;

Never, never be an M.P.
If you don't like stress and strife;
Never, never be an M.P.
Unless.
You want to have a horrible life
Unless,
You want to have a horrible life.

You can think what you please,
Drink what you please,
Or hoodwink what you please,
You can taste what you please,
Waste what you please,
Play what you please.

You can do anything but say what you please.

You can wake when you please,
Sleep, laugh, weep, laze or be spree
When you please.

Or speak in Address-in-Reply when you please.

Never, never be an M.P.
If you think you can make one cent
Never, never be an M.P.
If you've no one to pay the rent,
Never, never be an M.P.
Haunted by election year,
Never, never be an M.P.
Unless
You want to have a chequered career,
Unless
You want to have a chequered career.

Finale

Barani
Yes, I'm the Sheik,
My outlook's bleak,
I've been done the dirty
By that Plato Greek.
And I had to leave behind my harem dolls,
So I think I'll catch a plane back home tonight.
I'll start out early, N
And soon I'll be back in my own home tent,
Then grab a girlie,
And observe the ancient customs of the or-i-ent.

Narobi
Though not in movies
I've got the goods,
I drove the vicar into the woods,
The ecumenic
Went schizophrenic
To meet Narobi.

Miss Lovebody
I've got all the gen on handling men,
At least I thought so,
1920 styles.
Though you thought, "Good Heavens! What
Where I was taught no
A girl will now say yes
If she's in distress
Says she, "O what fun, daddy's got a new shotgun."

Sid—
I have made many stupendous blunders,
Should have been sacked but just in the last act
It turns out in the end,
That I'm everyone's friend
Yes, I'm really, I'm really

page 36

All—
Yes, he's really, he's really, etc. etc.
Yes he's really, he's really, etc., etc.
Yes, he's really a wonderful guy.

Final Chorus

Sid—
Everything that happens in the year
Is lampooned in Extrav.
We have lots of fun guying everyone,
We hope you liked it too—we have.

All—
If Sid seemed to fail,
And his bids

For the oil
Were all foiled by a goil
It was all of the kind that you'd call
Extravaganza.

This type of political tripe
Has the ring of the genuine thing
As you know from your own radio
Extravaganza.

The plot isn't hot,
And it's quite oversexed,
The gags seem to drag
At the slightest pretext,
Though you thought, "Good Heavens! What next?"

As we sing this finale we hope it was up your alley.

A show that is really a show
Sends you out with a kind of a glow,
And the cause
And the cause
Of your thund'rous applause
Extravaganza.

Finale Ultimo

Just one of those shows;
Just one of those Varsity shows;
The jokes, we're aware, were a bit on the nose,
Just one of those shows.

It's been just one of those nights,
We're sorry we gave you those frights;
But this is Extrav and anything goes,
Just one of those shows.

If you sought a treat.
When you bought a seat,
All you got from us was the bird;
But control yourself, and console yourself,
For we meant each single word.

So goodbye then till next year,
We'll be back again, never fear;
It's been great fun
And it's been the show of all shows.