Title: Dr. Sellout or: How I Learned to Stop Writing About the War and Love the Price of Dairy

Author: Charlotte Simmonds

In: Sport 41: 2013

Publication details: Fergus Barrowman, 2014, Wellington

Part of: Sport

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XI      Get a Haircut and Get a Real Bra

So that was how the pre-war house became disestablished, I was not anti its disestablishment, and that’s what we all did afterwards, and by the way, on paper it says our lease was forcibly terminated because we hadn’t maintained the property to sufficient standard and had therefore broken the stipulated terms of the tenancy agreement, or to put it in the words of other less kindly legal people, ‘evicted’, but our landlord, (you can say landlady if you like, but in this post-feminist country we consider that sexist), hadn’t dealt to even one sixteenth of the fixes on our repairs list so quite frankly, I was glad to be rid of that dump, in fact we were the ones who dumped it (and the landlord would have agreed with that but by an alternative definition of the verb ‘dumping’) and I was sick of being sick all year round even in summer from pneumonia and spores and dengue fever and everything else you can catch from a bad house. And I was glad the friends had come to an end because I was tired of the snide comments on my page 117 own non-existent sexlife and repressed middle-class side. I didn’t want to hear that if I ever go out with a circumcised man I’d better like a lot of the good old traditional shove it up missionary and no foreplay because there’s not much feeling left once all those nerves have been chopped off for anything else. I didn’t want to hear that not finding pleasure in blowing will clearly result in me voting to the right. I didn’t want to hear that most women wear the wrong bra size, I should go and get a professional sizing done and for god’s sake wear something that fits me (although after we all moved out, I did get a sizing done and surprisingly, my correct size turned out to be the same size I’d been wearing all along and later I told other women that most women are wearing the wrong bra size and they should go and get a fitting done too even though, and I never mentioned this, it had been pointless in my case but I did at least stop wearing the worn-out old bras I had been which had really been the problem to start with). I mean, I wanted to know that stuff, but from the internet, not my housemates. I didn’t want to know those things in person in real life.