Title: Sport 27

Publication details: Fergus Barrowman, October 2001

Part of: Sport

Conditions of use



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Sport 27: Spring 2001

Sándor Lau

Sándor Lau

page 133


Poverty n. 1. state of resourcefulness induced by need

Chair n. polished wood, brass tacks and leather; device used to keep ass both off floor and out of hot water

Scratch n. 1. unsightly feature rendering chair unfit for use

Curbside n. 1. magical place for making the unseemly (see scratch 1) disappear

Scratch n. 2. is that all? no borer? no mould? no catpiss?

Curbside n. 2. magical location where treasures appear with little more than a scratch

Mine adj. these two chairs on the curbside

Bicycle n. 1. that which is parked just down the road—2. that which I am going to get this instant

Poverty n. 2. in China they put two fridges on a bicycle, so I can certainly fit two chairs

Points n. pl. measures of favour gained by making a good impression on Friday

Score (points) v. to impress by offering chairs rather than floor to sit on

Friday n. 1. the day God created curves—n. 2. the day she will breathe in my living room, touch my fork, and sweet Lord Jesus willing, tell me her favourite movie and the name of her dog when she was little

Standards n. pl. level of expectations acquired through one's family living environment page 134

Bumper stickers n. pl. insignia such as Greenpeace, Free Tibet and Amnesty International pasted to the bumper of her parents' electronic-suspension-anti-lock-brakes-airbags-for-everyone-five-CD-changer-mobeel

List n. series of tasks to complete all before Friday; may include such items as: laundry, bludging haircut off mate, vacuuming, buying candles, removing all porn from plain view

Fuckwit n. 1. asshole in the white how-did-I-ever-pass-my-warrant-mobeel who thinks he's going to sneak off with my chairs while I go get my bicycle—n.2. motherfucker who doesn't realise how far I will go to keep what is already mine because the moron cannot begin to fathom the magnitude of Friday

Pathetic adj. coming within inches of making an innocent stranger bleed in an argument over trash on the curbside

Terror n. 1. expression in the eyes of the aging soccer mom who has just pulled into her driveway to find two morons fighting over her rubbish—n. 2. state commonly known to cause panic, frequently results in soccer moms calling police on cellphone without ever leaving safety of vehicle

Chairs n. pl. 3. worthless garbage that the fuckwit in the white van can keep if he likes because after the soccer mom runs in her house I notice her bumper stickers:
Free Tibet
Amnesty International

Forget v. the only item left on my list of things to do about Friday

page 135


People ask me where I'm from
and I try to feel neither flattered nor insulted
when they always guess

So I tell them

I am from the first breath of the Yellow Emperor
from the furthest corner of a smile
from the missing tooth of a broken saw in a wooden shed in a
from the difference between apostrophe s and s apostrophe
from the squeal of a penny sacrificed to the locomotive for not
being a quarter
from the anxiety of waiting for a bus that may have just passed
from the ringing of a pail of warm frothy milk when it clangs
against a rusty nail
from the moment the pilot turns off the fasten seatbelts sign
I am from the growl of my wolf ready to lunge
the next time
if I
am from Canada