The Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1921Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1921[electronic resource]S. A. WirenCreation of machine-readable versionKeyboarded by KiwiTechCreation of digital imagesKiwiTechConversion to TEI-conformant markupKiwiTechca. 92 kilobytesVictoria University of Wellington LibraryWellingtonModern English,
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2012The Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1921S. A. WirenVictoria University College Students AssociationWellingtonSaturday, Monday and Tuesday, May 14th, 16th and 17th, 1921Source copy consulted: Victoria University of Wellington Library, LG741 V SA Preface For PhilosophersW. E. LeicesterC. Q. Pope
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"Done To Death" :: An Extravaganza ::Saturday, Monday and Tuesday, May 14th, 16th and 17th, 1921.Victoria University CollegeGrand Opera House,Capping Carnival"The World's a wage, and all the men and women merely payers."—W. E. Leicester.Te Aro House—The Drapery Centre.
The Graduates of the year
Honours in Arts and M.A.
Allan, John M.A. and First Class Honours in Philosophy.
Johnstone, Dora A. M.A. and Second Class Honours in Botany.
Mackenzie, Jean H. M.A. and Second Class Honours in Botany.
Paisley, Albert M.A. and First Class Honours in Economics.
"Oh World, thou choosest not the better path;It is not wisdom to be only wise."—G. Santayana.
Honours in Law and LL.M.
Broad, Phillip B. LL.M. and Second Claas Honours in Jurisprudence, Real Property, and Trusts.
Wiren, Sidney A. LL.M. and First Class Honours in International Law, Companies, Contracts, and Torts.
"I was called to the Bar but I suppose I neverheard the call. I didn't always listen."—Max Beerbohm.
Honours in Science and M.Sc.
Fenton, Ethel W. J. M.Sc. and Second Class Honours in Electricity and Magnetism.
Glendinning, Tom A. M.Sc. and Second Class Honours in Chemistry.
Whitebouse, Thomas K. R. M.Sc. and Second Class Honours in Chemistry.
"There are more smells in heaven and earththan you have in your building, Horatio."—Hy. D. Rogen.
Matter of Law.
Byrne, Joseph.
"Them loryers wot know too much of lor 'asno brains, and 'ow can they I That's wot I ses."—Barry Pain.
Master of Science.
Bastings, Lyndon.Brodie, John E."Silent upon a peak in Darien."—Keats.
Master of Arts.
Cumming, Clyde M.Espiner, Eileen.Isaac, Hubert P.Irvine-Smith, Fanny Louise.Moncrieff, Agnes M.Myers, Margery.Roy, Rubina A.Stevens, William H."Why should we toil and strive,We, the roof and crown of things."—Tennyson.
Honours in Commerce and M. Com.
Neale, Edward P., M. Com. and First Class Honours in Economics
"From hope and cue set freeI thank with brief thanksgivingWhatever gods there be!"—A. C. Swinburne,
Bachelors of Laws.
Anderson, Henry A.Bate, Walter E.Brodie, Henry G.Buxton, Allan B.Charles, Leonard A.Cleary, Timothy P.Dodd, John H.Gillon, Reginald E.Henderson, Kenneth A.Hendry, Colin A.Hill. Claude C.Kitching, William D. P.Leicester, Wilfrid E.Perry, DavidRandell. WilliamSeddon, George H.Smyth, Areita I.Thomson, Trevor C."Friends, Romans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears,I come to plead, "A rose by any other nameWould smell as sweet!" and not to urge youOnce more unto the breach of trustees' diligence."—O.Y.M.I. Garrow.
Bachelors of Science.
Cullen, Alfred.Day, Leslie I.Griffin, Kenneth. M.Wilson, Joyce H."Suppose a clod of earth should riseAnd walk about and breathe and speak and love:How we would tremble and in what surpriseGasp, "Can you move!"—Harold Munro.
Bachelors of Arts.
Aitken, George G.Andrew, Edith T.Beard, Thomas E.Carroll, Kathleen A.Chapple, Leonard J. B.Cousins, Eric G.Espiner, Eric W. A.Espiner, Robert H.Godfrey, Irene I.Gordon, Norah A.Harding Winifred M. E.Heffer, Dorothy G.Horsley, Hilda R.Hudson, Edward V.Jones, Sydney J.Joyce, Mary E.Keeble, Lily R.King, Geoffry J.Latter, Mary J. B.Martin, Annie, McW.Nicol, JohnPrice, Cyril J. R.Roughton, Myra W.Troup, Gordon S.Wallach, Ida W.Weitzel, HedwigWood, George E. F."For what are singing and love and wineTo the dreams that we are true."—A. Jackson.
Author's Note.
The names of the personae of this magnum opus have been carefully selected from among the most cultured individuals and the very best families. If any of the names are imaginary, the authors humbly apologise and assure all sceptics and non-believers that real people are intended.
ProducerVyrn EvansMusical DirectorW. H. StaintonStage ManagerW. WatkinsBusiness ManagerW. P. KitchingProperty ManagerA. B. WilsonPianistC. MackayBallet MistressMiss D. Guise
Costumes specially designed by Miss Marie Richmond and executed under her direction by women students.
All Ballets under Special Direction of Miss Dorise Guise.
"Let the scribe's tale be casual and cursoryEnd where you like but start us in the nursery."—G. Frankau.
A Preface For Philosophers.
Philosophy may be roughly defined to mean ideas of a universal scope. "The principles or explanation which underlie all things without exception, the elements common to gods and men and animals and stones, the first whence and the last whither of the whole cosmic procession." Under the Frivolity of our extravaganza is deeply hidden a philosophic germ. For the first time since Shakespeare, in so far as the authors are aware, .you have here presented the judgment that all human ills spring from obsessions and from enthusiasms misdirected. This is the reconciling factor in scenes so different as China and Crusoe Island. We here shew you four of the popular fads of our own age that you may pass judgment upon them without the uncomfortable feeling that you have condemned yourselves. Pseudo-Orientalism, the aesthetic movement, Bolshevism, and the movie "back-to-nature" craze, coupled with our New Zealand society, are the themes we play upon. These ideas we have in all seriousness chosen to present in four methods with which you are most familiar; that you may see how you reverence the craft of the stage that holds you all the year round, The first act is in the style of the musical comedy a-la-mode; in the second the march of events is strictly ordered as in our older and parent extravaganzas. These we contrast with the American "crook" play in the third act, and in the fourth shew you the model of the new extravaganza as it will be when one great enough arises to write it.
W. E. Leicester,C. Q. Pope.
Act I.
Back To Nature.
(Any old time you like)
Scene:— A popular watering place on Crusoe Island. Not more gulls than usual. Highly tropical but not too hight. The lives of the actors are not endangered as there are no coconuts. The screaming of a paroquet, with a magnificent plumage of green and gold, is thought to be heard about ten minutes before the curtain rises, but in this oasis of beauty it is a mirage. The sea in the background is seen but not heard. The audience will recognise a promenade with its men and women from society's sitting-rooms. As he play begins on Saturday, there is no Friday on the Island.
Cast of Characters.
Mack Sennett (a photographer)A.C. Mazengarb
"Give me comedy. Since Shakespeare's day more than a thousand actors have played Hamlet. No wonder he is crazy "—H. L Mencken:
Joliffe (a sensible censor)W. Pringle
"A censor incensed is in no sense essential."
—Havelock Ellis.
Bernard Shaw (a creation of Shakespeare's)L.R. Riddell
"A young man does not need a university education to be an ass nowadays."
—C. Q. Pope.
Ro-Binson Cru-So (the bridegroom to be)C. Gamble
"Robinson Crusoe, the millionaire.He wouldn't have wine or wife.He couldn't endure complexity:He lived the simple life.
W. W. Jacobs (an alcoholic medium)R. A. Tonkin
"Eliza Smith always hated meBecause I told better lies than he didAnd so he trapped me and tickled me todeath with a hay-rick."—Spoon Fed Anthology,
Miss Faber-Smith (a seminary sempstress)Miss F. Cameron
"A very multiplicity of clipped negations."
—The unpublished works of Charles Wilson.
Algernon Charles Swinburne (a poet)B Egley
"His soul was conscious of "something missing"Which neither clothes could give, nor kissing."—I. L. G. Sutherland.
Mrs Sticket (a social event)Miss M. Willcocks
"She walks, the lady of my delightA shepherdess of sheep".—Alice Meynell.
Lulu Sticket (her daughter, a victim of blood)Miss Nancy Wilson
"In times like these, unchaperoned of skinny ma,Our finished daughters seek the darkling kinema."—Gilbert Frankau
Constable O'Flynn (her drunken father)P. J. Smith
"A little boy bound up in blue.Who's fond, as they all are, of snoozing,In fact—just between me and you—He's not above quietly boozing.""Songs I have seen in the Spike."
1. Opening Chorus.
(Air—"Irene.")Far away across the seaThere's a university;There they work incessantly.Once a year on capping day,Duly all respects they payTo those who are of high degree.
Chorus.
Degrees, the cause of all their nightly toiling,"Degrees, the cause of all complexions spoiling;All their striving,All their diving,Into mouldy lectures;Caused by menWho now and thenHave hopes to hold prefectures.Degrees, a tale of lecturers and Profs., too,Whose ears hold fleas!Tally ho!Here we goOn the yearly chaseFor B.A.'sEach one prays,While we make the pace.Swotting hard(Swearing barred),Each to keep his place—That's how it feels to want degrees.
2. "Take Your Girlie to the Movies."
Solo, Sennett.
(Music by W. H. Stainton.)Now-a-days a courtship's just a simple thing,Everything is straight and plain;There's no sonnet writing, and you needn't singUnderneath her window pane.Just take your girlie to the movies,To a five-reel flick.She's no Theda Bara, but if you go home,Just imagine she is all that's Louise GlaumTake your girlie to the movies,Where the love stuff is piled thick,Then as sure as I'm Sennett you'llthink she's Enid Bennett;So take your girlie to the moviesThough she may not always look as sweet as Blanche,Try hard to be true;You don't wish to crush her in an avalanche,Of mail or males, do you?Just take your girlie to the movies,There'll be all you wish,Though you may not have as many suits as Ray,You'll out-handicap him on your whole week's pay;If her face has just slipped sideways,Think she's Dolly Gish,And if she hears from us think thatShe's Oliver ThomasWhen with your girlie at the movies.Though your name may not be that of friend Tom Mix,And your pulse is rather slow,When you want a place where everything you'll fix,I'll tell you where to go.Take your girlie to the movies,Try think you're Wally Reid;Though yon may not feel as fit as big Bill Hart,You'll not have much trouble onceyou're got a start.So take your girlie to the movies,And once you work up speed.You'll soon work a slinter on your Mary Miles Minter,If you take your girlie to the movies
3. Duet,
Crusoe and Mrs. Sticket.
(Air—Patience and Grosvenor Duet, "Patience."
Robinson:
Oh, dear, Mrs. Stickct, won't you let me know,(Hey. but I'm doleful, willow, willow wally!)Has our darling Lulu not yet found a beau?Hey, Willow-waly-O!Life is dull and dreary;Of the chase I'm weary,Hey willow waly O!
Mrs. Sticket:
Robinson I grieve to say that this is so,(Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow, waly!)But our darling Lulu has not yet a beau,Hey, willow-waly O!But I'll soon discoverFor her a nice lover,Hey, willow-waly-O!
Robinson:
Be not over sure, for there's a dearth of men(Hey; but its tiresome, willow, willow, waly.)If our darling Loo should be a spinster, thenHey, willow-waly-O!Great would be our grieving;Were she past retrieving,Hey, willow, waly O!
Mrs. Sticket:
Now, my own dear Rob., you are a gentlemun,Hey, but I'm certain, willow, willow waly;Though they may be scarce, our Loo Must marry one.Hey, wiHow-waly-O!'Way with all this sadness,There'll be cause for gladness.Hey, willow-waly-O!
4. Solo, Lulu.
(Air—"Alice Blue Gown.")When I was quite young I was carefully trainedIn all I should know, and I meekly refrainedFrom all that I knew that I shouldn't have known,I supped and I snubbed with the greatest of grace,And never had powdered my face,And in Fact I bad what is called tone.For according to Snobson StreetYou must never sit down on your feet,And if everything failsYou may ride near the rails,For Snobson Street girls aren't as slow as the snails.If you Foxtrot and onestep quite well,And your voice isn't like a cracked bell(Now isn't it funny),If you have some moneyThey like you and vow you are sweet. (Chorus Repeat.)Now when Poppa was near we had simply no chance,For Poppa objected to every dance,And you must give a dance that is done every year.For if you don't you are done for, I fear,And you might as well die right away,As be out of the running for aye.And according to Snobson Street,That's as bad as to scoff when you eat,And the tales that are told,Of the girls who are bold,Now they sit on damp doorsteps and often catch cold.That is sinful and shameful as well, And deserves a through passage to— (crash.)Still its no use pretending—A miserable endingAwaits all who're not in the street.
5. Trio.
O'Flynn, Joliffe and Swinburne.
(Air—"Pirates of Penzance.")
Constable O'Flynn:
When a lawyer's not engaged in his divorce suits,His divorce suite,Or summonsing his fellows by the score, By the score,He's continually abusing us as low brutes,Us as low brutes;That's the name that people call us when they're sore,When they're sore.At times we feel we must arrest our brother,'Rest our brother;I realise that very a pun, Like a pun;But take one consideration with another,With another,A policeman's lot is not a happy oneWhen you've had a bally bust-up with your brother.A policeman's lot is not a happy one.
A. C. Swinburne:
When a poet has Forgotten all his metres,All his metres,He will surely get entangled with his feet,With his feet;He knows he can be got at by repeaters,By repeaters,So he chokes himself with words I won't repeat,Won't repeat.It's ten to two he hasn't had a mother, Had a mother,With hair that ripples silver in the sun,In the sun;So take one consideration with another, With another,A poet's lot is a happy one,Considering he's never had a mother.A poet's lot is not a happy one.
Joliffe:
When a censor not incensed in all his senses,All his senses,Or slaughtering the movies good and bad,Good and bad,He can hardly earn enough to pay expenses,Pay expenses,Unless he retails stories, yes By Gad, Yes, By Gad,His passionate emotions he must smother,For the things he sees, they really take the bun.Take the bun;Ah, take one consideration with another,With another,A censor's lot is not a happy one,His perfect pent'up passions he must smother.A censor's lot is not a happy one.
6. Final Chorus:
Degrees, the cause of all their nightly toiling,Degrees, the cause of all complexions spoiling;All their striving,All their diving,Into mouldy lectures;Caused by menWho now and thenHave hopes to hold prefecturesDegrees, a tale of lecturers and Profs., too,Whose ears hold fleas!Tally ho!Here we goOn the yearly chaseFor B.A.'sEach one prays,While we make the pace,Swotting hard,(Swearing barred),Each to keep his place—That's how it feels to want degrees.
Act II.
Germany.
(Time—Aesthetic period.)
Scene:—A spare room of the Imperial Palace at Strassburg. Three Rubens (kindly loaned by the Ocean Bay Accident, Fitzgerald Eager Esq.,) adorn the walls. Numerous bits of statuary, mostly broken, lie about the floor. A marble faun, exquisitely designed, by Praxiteles, is behind the stage. It is not visible. A grand piano, made by Rogers and Sons, is on left. The dais is in centre background. Candelabras a la Versailles, furniture Louis Seize;
Caste of Characters.
The Great i am (poet, painter, sculptor, musician, playwright and philosopher)A. C. Mazengarb
"Poor old Yorick. 'e was a good old cove."
— Shakespeare (from memory)
Alf Hill (of the Lower Rut)R. Gapes
";I would rather hear a dog when he bayed at the moon than this scrape on the belly of a kitten."
— Maxims—of Martin-Smith.
Chopin (a lost soul)F. Warner
"A wandering ministrel I........."
—Mr. J.J. Sullivan.
Verbrughen (a genius, Australian variety)W. Pringle
"Semitones and sodas! Fiddles and Fizz!
They put us in carriages and treated us
like a travelling circus."
—Extracts from letter to Bernard Page.
Wagner (a composer)V. Ross
"His pendulous stomach hangs a-shaking."
—Rupert Brooke.
Theo. Tresize (A Terpsichorean treat)A. Free
"Beautiful star with the crimson mouth,
Oh moon with the brows of gold."
—Oscar Wilde.
Charles Wilson (a newspaper scribe)L. A. Riddell
"Give a man a pipe he can't smoke.
Give a man a meal he can't eat;
And his home he'll fright with his language bright,
Though the room be dull and neat."
—Stodart Walker
Siegfried Eicrelbaum (A Swiss milk chocolate)C. G. Kirk
"And since he's jolly company and knows
what good fare means,.
"Unless you give him Bacon you mustn't
give him beans."
—G. K. Chesterton.
Frank Morton (a wolf-scarer, Prince of Petone)B. Egley
"What can such needy wretches do but die
Standing against the purposes of Kings "
—John Masefield.
Thomas Bracken (a hayseed)C. Moss
"What will the harvest be"
—Psalm OVI.
Zora Cross (a Christian)Miss M. Milesi
"You loved me and you loved mo not,
A little, much, and overmuch."
—C. A. Swinburne
Oscar Wilde (a fleur-de-lys)
He picks from our platters the plums for the puddings, he peddles in the provinces.
—James McNeil Whistler.
Fraulein Von Imit (the Kaiser's daughter).Miss D. Bailey
"Methinks she is a comely frau
Getting her trousseau God know's how."
—"Sayings of Walter Sheat."
1. Trio.
(Air—"Three Little Maids.")
Wagner, Verbrugghen and Hill.
The Three:
Three great, musicians here you see,Bumptions as ever we ran be;Pictured and posing incessantly,Three great musicians we,
Wagner:
Mine is the great gotterdammerung.
Hill:
(The name of his father, who was hung.)
Verbruggen: Pardon our Alfred's slip of the tongue.
Wag, and Verbrug.:
He's a musician too.
Hill: I'm a musician too.
All:
One musician's a blighted Hun andOne is an over-baked Belgian bun, andOne from a suburb of Wellington
—Yes.
The Three:.
Three great musicians, we.
Wagner:
I' am always trying new tonal tricks,
Verbrug.:
And Australasian tours I fix.
Hill:
While at the "Triad" I hurl great bricks.
The Three:
Three great musicians, we.
Wagner:
To me music's a cause for joy.
Verbrug.:
You can't bare run a state hand, my boy.
Hill:
And you've not heard my Waiati Poi."
The Three:
Three great musicians, we.
Hill:,
One was an over-worked Tenton mutt —andOne's a conductor who's now gone fut, andOne was born in the Lower Rutt—so
The Three:
Three great musicians, we.
2. Quartette.
(Air—Yo-ho, Little Girl!)
Wilde, Tresizes, Wilson and Bracken.
Theo:
I've wandered the whole world over twice,And I've never been cheeked before,Though I've gambled with fate and loaded dice,And mastered the slippery floor.I've lived lean in Limehouae and out and about.And never encountered a frown,Though I've lived in an attic in artistic style.And eluded the landlord's every wile,Till I came to this miserable town.
Chorus:
Till he came to this miserable town.
Chas:
Here's a bally quandary.
Bracken:
For 'tis plain as plain can be,That if Oscar's right,Then our Theo's wrong.
Oscar:
Let us have a fight.
Chas:
Is it dance or song?
Bracken:
Fist it out, my hearties,And tight as they fought of old,
Chas:
And prove who is true,Our little boy blue,Or the lad with the brow of gold.
Oscar:
I'm the author of many word perfect books,And the Father of great Salome,And though I would buck at Maud Allen gadzooks,Don't think I'm a metronome;No one who engaged me in argumentBut was stoushed with an epigram.The "Importance of Being Earnest's" fine,And "Dorian Gray" is mine, all mine,So for him I don't care a damn.
Chas:
For him he cares not a damn.
Bracken:
Here's a beastly mystery,For its quite, quite plain to seeThat if Oscar's It,Then our Theo's not.
Chas:
But my young Tom-tit,All this talk is rot.
Bracken:
Fight it out my hearties,There's nought to compare with a fight,And we'll see who is the dub.
Chas:
Terpsichore's cub Or the Moon of my Delight.
3. Solo.
(Air—"Rajah of Bhong," Country Girl.)
Theo. Tresizes:
I am a dancing master gay,Butterfly flitting from day to day.Why—Just look in my eye.
Chorus:
Just look in his eye.
Theo:
All the nice people their homage pay,All of the hall-room beneath my sway.Lies.
Chorus:
He's Theo Tresize.He's Theo Tresize.
Theo:
For I was christened Theo you see,It means Theodore between you and me);If you Would foxtrot. I'll shew you what's what;You'll learn to twist.Like Theo Tresize,
(Chorus repeat.)
Theo:
I laid the foundations of Goring Street,Saved your young maidens from boredom sweet.Sighs.
Chorus:
Did Theo Tresize.Did Theo Tresize.
Theo:
Auckland enlisted my timely aid,And to the Davis a trip I made!Prize!
Chorus:
Oh, many the cries.For Theo Tresize.
Theo:
All tepischorean tumbles I know,All that's in Heaves and all below:From Polka to prancing there's nothing in dancingUnknown aloneTo Theo Tresize.
(Chorus repeat.)
Theo:
As a producer I won great fame,All that's artistic is in my name; Byes!(Boys in an Irish idiom.)
Chorus:
There aren't any fliesOn Theo Tresize.
Theo:
All of them love me whose blood is blue,Gaze on my autographed picture, you! Guys!
Chorus:
He's Theo Tresize.He's Theo Tresize
Theo:
For I improved the old foxtrot so,Found a new onestep that's all the go(I say that it's Spanish, hut it might be Danish),For as I can tell youYour Theo Tresize.
Chorus:
or he, you see, is Theo Tresize,and once his name blared to the skiesat now-a-day the cabaretsmuch too full for Theo Tresize.
Solo.
(Air—"If: you Look in Her Eyes.")
Morton.
roamed this way from over the seasfrom far Archipelagoes:played the candle in Kingdoms of Greece,and Mary in "Mary Rose."ve acted Hamlet many a time,t after dinner snooze;ut now I chase the wild-cat rhyme,nd dip deep in praise of booze.ad is the lot of a Morton,oses and rue and ruth;h if my name'd been Norton,ow I'd have told the truth!would have penned no word of Journalese,r of chimpanzeeze,or of Diction'ries;ad is the lot of a Morton,Oh, for my vanished youth!When I was young I felt very sureThe world would resound my name.That my message would long endure,Written in words of flame;But Whistler now. alas, feels no more,And Lindsay I know I am not;Sad the heart and dreary and sore.The maudlin Morton's lot.Bad is the life of a jotter.Worse it grows from day today;Now if I had been a potter,Thumping at his wet clay,I would have written not a sonnet,Bought not a bonnet,Take my word on it.Sad is the life of a jotter,With printer's devils to pay.
5. "Vacation Time."
Final Chorus.(Air—"Johnny's in Town.")Let's all be merry,The weather's fine—veryAnd before longWe'll burst into song.Ireland is rising,Exams are surprising,And prices will fall before long:Stokers and stewards working,Watersiders are not,So—
Chorus:
Let's all be gay,Happy to-day;Who knows that vieu rose will be worn in May.Dons and Donlets group around.Raise your voices—We have no more early lecturesTo Roman Law,Give the "Haw, Haw"!Philos in Kolynos may be drowned,To freedom we're winging.With voices a-ringing,Vacation Time has come round.
Te Aro House—The Well Known Corner.
Act III.
Russia of To-Day.
Scene: A room, rather sombre. On the walls are hung pictures of Karl Marx, the Examiner, Lenin the Liberator, Trostky the Triumphant, and Massey the Maudlin, A picture of Wilford is not hung. It resembles a thieves' kitchen. A table in centre, round which sit a number of old men knitting.
Cast of Characters.
Carl Marx (editor of the "Maoriland Shiker")C. Gamble
"What have you gained by the strike you follow?What do you mean by the song you sing?What will you do when the supper is gone?"—Mr. F. K. Hunt. S.M.
Mannix (of the Bureau of Free Love)V. Ross
"As I was coming from St. Ives,I met a man with seven wives."—Nursery rhyme.
Itch (the village idiot)W. Pringle
"Thou wilt play thy part full well brother."
—Anonymous.
Szczopenowska(agent for Fluenzol)N. Whiteman
"Oh. what a fall there was my country-men,When you and I and all of us fell down and bloody tyrannyFlourished over us."—H. Mackenzie.
Craig Kennedy (a scientific detective)C. Moss
"There is a conspiracy of silence against me."
—T. A. Hunter
Miss Trotsky (a Bolshevixen)Miss M. Milesi
"Tiger, tiger, burning brightIn the forests of the night."—Wm. Blake,
Margot Asquith (a woman of no importance).E. K. Rishworth
"His beauty smoothed earth's furrowed face,He gave me tokens three:—A look, a touch of his winsome mouthAnd a wild raspberry."—Francis Thompson (with variations!)
Vyrn Evans (an English gentleman)S. C. W. Watkins
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold,And mute of the Nancy brig."—Composed by E. Evans personally
Harcus Plimmer (of Plimmer's steps, pressman)W. A. Sheat
And if my pen will bring me pelfDamned if I don't turn Socialist myself."—B. Murphy
Siberian SamC. G. Kirk
1. Chorus of Bolsheviks.
(Air—"Lil' Liza Jane.")
Solo:
Who are these men, all fearsome browed?The Bolsheviks.Who is it sways the trembling crowd?The Bolsheviks.
All:
Oh, the Bolshies, bad Bolsheviks,We're the Bolshies, bad Bolsheviks,We're the Bolshies, bad Bolsheviks.
Solo:
We are really as quiet as lambs,Are Bolsheviks.Peaceful as nursemaids pushing prams, Are Bolsheviks.
All:
Oh, the Bolshies, bad Bolsheviks,We're the Bolshies, bad Bolsheviks.
Solo:
Much and many the tales are told Of Bolsheviks!Hall of them true as fairy gold To Bolsheviks.
Chorus:
Oh, the Bolshies, etc.
Solo:
Not till you hear St. Peter's hail, Ho, Bolsheviks.Will you be told the truthful tale, Of Bolsheviks?
Chorus:
Oh, the Bolshies, good Bolsheviks,We're the Bolshies, good Bolsheviks.
2. Solo:
Siberian Sam.(Air—"Toreador's Song"'—Carmen.)See our sabres drawn and ever fiercely gleaming,See each regimental flag unfurled;Brothers come and quit your fruitless dreaming,Come with me, come with me to conquer all the world.Down your needles, drop your foolish knitting,Come with me where man's work waits to do.Pouches and pistols,These are more fitting,Hear your country calling loud to you.Seize your rifles,And on to battle,Where the stabbing shots the gloaming tear;Hear the limbered batteries crack and rattle,While the sweating drivers shout and swear.Come then with me, come then with me—Ah!Southward we'll march to conquer.South to the sea,South to the sea,With all of our trampling armies,Southwards, who'll march with me.Though many fall and die,South to the sea,Though many fall and die.
(Chorus repeat.)
Where the bayonets fixed in scattered rows are shining,And the batteries dug and hidden deep,Where the troops upon the firestep lining,Pray for guns, pray for guns, their weakening front to sweep;Where the endless column marching. SeemingFrom the dusk to dawning of the day, Crackling of rifles,Starshells are gleaming,Wounded scattered lying by the way.Hear the aeroplanesWith roar arising,Hovering on high above the way;See the bold Cossacks danger despising,Rushing foremost to the fray. (Chorus.)
3. Solo,
(.Air—'Dividing the Spoil ")
Itch:
The one who would rule in the Bolshevik schoolSaid I was the fool of the village,For come there what may, I guess I've my sayWhen it comes to dividing the pillage.If I think the moon cheese I believe what I please,I suppose you can't seize on the reason.For the mystery is one I will tell to my son,When my son is the star of the season.
All:
Yes, the silly poor mutt has gone clean off his nutt.When he thinks him the star of the season.
Itch:
Oh! they say I am mad, which is all very sad,If it chanced not to be so amusing.Yes, they think one so gassey, should be Honourable Massey,And say I'm so classy—refusing.See there peace in the sky as you'll see by and bye,And you wonder my words did not trouble you;You'll be sorry one night, when you find that your plightIs that society, I.W.W.
All:
Well, its rather a dream to see ships in the streamThat are manned by the I.W.W.
Solo.
(Air—Specially written by W. H. Stainton.)
(Margot sings.)
I am a much maligned maiden fair.And this last insult is all I can bear,For I've a sensitive heart.Literary longings I've always had,But my intentions were never bad,For I've a sensitive heart.But when a publishing firm I knew,Offered a ceol ten thousand to Conceal my sensitive heart,What could I think, and what you do?If a respectable firm you knewAn offer did impart?So a few stories I revealed,(Things that had better lain concealed Of my sensitive heart.Gladstone and Goblets and gamblit came in,And something else that resembled To a sensitive heart.But it was a success you know,All of my friends have assured me Bless their sensitive hearts.And the young royalties rolling in,And as for critics, oh, what dinTo a sensitive heart.So off, to Russia, at last I've rushedAnd I'm not lightly aside to brushed,For all my sensitive heart.More material here I seekFor a news column in "Once a weekRun by a sensitive heart.
Act IV.
Chinatown 2,000 B.C.
Scene.—On the right a house ; in the foreground a pavilion and in the back-ground an orange tree ; to the right a peach-tree in full bearing. A fence runs round the estate. A bridge to centre, and at one end a willow-tree, to left an island with small cottage. Two turtle doves in back of picture. If this picturesque scenery leaves any room at all, there is a laundry in back-ground. Being in China, the owner of the laundry is naturally a white woman.
Caste of characters.
Joe Loo (Emperor of Pak-a-poo)C.Gamble.
Twenty-Fourth Old Man:—I am glad I am not a Chinaman; it must be very inconvenient to be a Chinaman."
—Maeterlinck.
Tuan Will Foo (his son)E. Evans
"I swung the word a. trinket at my wrist."
—Thompson.
How Eli (chief torturer)R.A. Tonkin
"His creations approval or censure; I spoke as I saw."
—Browning.
Mrs. Chu Chows (Keeper of "Willow Pattern Laundry)A. Mazengarb
"She was a lady of great renown."
—Baritone song.
Yang Kwei-Fei (his beautiful daughter).Miss M. Pigou
"Now I found that joy could be as high as Mount Chong Nan,
Sorrow as deep as Lake Shang."
—"A Soul's Progress."
Conan Doyle (a tourist)C. Moss
"Do you see anyone coming sister Anne?"
—Tale of Bluebeard.
S. Holmes (An unsolvable mystery)C.G. Kirk
"Where do flies go in the winter time, From January to Jane"
Sir. Francis Bell.
Cho Pin (a lost soul)F. Warner
"Nor lost, nor stolen, but simply gone astray."
—Rev. Frank Gorman.
Sem Pul (secretary of the union)W. A. Sheat
"I stood for the rights of my countrymen, I stand—still."
—Orations of Dunbar Sloane.
Comrade Day Su, Comrade Stevie Dore (members of the Union)M. Gibb, A. N. Other
1. Laundry Chorus.
"From Here to Shanghai."Each day we wash anewClothes red and white and blue,And peg them out in line.Of Hudson's we've lost hope,We don't use Sunlight Soap;But still our washing's very fine.Just watch us rubAs we wash and scrub.There is no dubIn Laundrytown.Clothes turn and twistAs we twirl our wrist,And everytime we rub, the suds fly up and down.We peg them out each dayIn a neat and nice long row,And we can shew the wayThat will make them white as snow.Forever toil on the clothes you soilAlways on the boil in Laundrytown.Shirts and silk collars too,And tablecloths We do,And wear and tear and frayOld dungarees once blue.Nothing we wash is new.When you take your clothes away.
2. Chorus. —"Hail to His Majesty."
("Country Girl")—Here he comes—here he comes,With majestic bearing.With his bodyguard he comes,They are peaches, pearls and plums,And their dress is daring—Yet they seem uncaringThis high stately, until lately,Emperor of allDoffs his splendor, on a vendorOf soft soap to call.Cheer him, cheer him,Cheer him, one and all!Hurrah for the Emperor!The Emperor of all!
3. Duet: Emperor and Mrs. Chows.
"You Must Have the Ticket."
(Air— "You Can't Do Without It.")
Mrs. Chow:
You must have the ticket.Indeed, I'll not stick it.
Emperor:
You don't think that I'm a pot of glueFor if I think you doI'll have the head of you.
(Motioning to soldier):
Chop him off,Chop him off,Nanki-Poo.
Mrs. Chow:
You may do your dirtyBut don't think you're' shirty,For if you do you'll have a task.I'll burn it to a cinder before I will give it up.So. put that in your fleay ear you nasty little pup.
(Together):
I (you) must have the ticket,Or else I'll (she'll) not stick it.I (you) must have the ticket for your (my) shirt.
Emperor:
I once had a ticket,But by some fool trick itWas lost or stolen or strayed.Oh, every dodge I've tried,To every god I've cried:"Give it back, give it back." How I've prayed!But all of my longingAnd all of my wrongingAvaileth nothing now.I haven't got the ticket, so I cannot have my shirt;Let me weep upon your shoulder and won't you call me Bert?For I've lost the ticket,Yes, I've lost the ticket.I've lost the only ticket for my shirt
4. Duet.
Will Foo's Song.
(Music specially written by W. Stainton.)
Will Foo:
A Prince of the realm am IWho has loved you for years on end,Yet never you turn, O proud Kwei-Fei",Or even once yet unbend.For the peaches have bloomed a month ago,And my love is overdue;So do not depart in weal or woeUntil we have seen a picture show,Where I might propose to you.
Chorus:
Sweet, chinky chink.I love you, O so muchie.Believe me when I saySweet chinky chink,I get so very touchyWhen things go another way.Sweet chinky chink,How can you he a DutchieWith lovers by the score,For I fancied I was past loveWill I met you., O my last love;And I love you as I've never loved before.
Daughter:
My Ma keeps this laundry clean,For you see I'm her daughter fair;But this much I know, and this I ween,That the place is on the square,And the money she makes is hers, not mine,Tho' the fact is hard to bear,always noted that wealth's the signThat what's not yours cannot be thine,And you love wealth everywhere.
Chorus (repeat).
5. Duet: Holmes and Conan Doyle.
When Wild Spooks Come to Blows.
(Air: "Dirty Work.")
S.H.:
The further that I go with youThe more I do dislike you.I think we ought to go and give it best;Y'ou think that everything is true,Oh, dear, how very like you!When I went to bed at night I could'-n't rest;So my blood begins to boil.And I tell you straight, friend DoyleThat your beauty I will spoil,By jove I will!When my brain is all on fire,Then my thoughts are. dark and dire;If you're cute you'll send a wire,I'm out to kill.Have a care. C. Doyle, have a care,I'm not afraid of spooks.
C.D.:
Steady there, steady there,S. Holmes. I'll tell the lukes."With ray medium,Who's a regular Turk,She's a devil for a fight,She will make things hum;
(Both)
There'll be dirty workAt the cross roads to-night.
S.H.:
In questions of intelligenceI laugh at your deductions.
C.D.:
That's mighty cheek from you, upon my word!And as for finding where or whenceTo carry out instructions,Your actions are, to say the least, absurd.
S.H.:
You remind me of a petI once bad, a marmoset.I can almost see it yet.When youre in view.
C.D.:
Well, there's nothing odd in that.Why, I've seen a sewer ratWho, suppose he'd worn a hat,Looked just like you!
S.H.:
Have a care, C. Doyle, Have a care
C.D. (repeat)
Both (repeat)
6. Watersiders' Chorus.
("You'd be Surprised.")Busily working each day,Trundling a trolley each way,If you but knew us you'd be wishing to be us too,Lounging around with great skillOld animal time to kill.We are the best of bold bad menFrom the Watersiders' den.Oh, if you knew of the workThat we will work hard to shirkYou'd be surprised.We really toil very hard.And if you knew what we barred,You'd be surprised.We really don't look much as toilers,But (read Rex Beach's "Spoilers")We have the faces of mushrooms,But there's a nettle in our eye!We don't look much as a crowd,But if you said that aloud—Would be surprised.We can go down on our knees before the blinking Pc's,You'd be surprised.At voting and at work, we've got to admit that we do a big shirk,But when the lunch hour comes,You'd be surprised.
7. Love Duet.
Tuan and Kwei Fei.(Music specially written by W. H. Stainton.)
Tuan:
Eastern skies are pale beforeThe lustre of your eyes;No sweet dream from Day's Bay shoMay pacify my sighs.Sweetest flower of all the worldCome nestle on my bosom.Dew drenched rose with petals furleThe earth's one perfect blossom.
Kewei Fei:
Let us stand beneathThe wan westering morn,Till in darkness deathBrings the day too soon.
Tuan:
Alone with thee,Alone with thee.Ah!——
Kewl and Tuan.
Eastern stars are dim beforeThe splendor of our love.No dark dream from Lethe's shoreMay cloud our sky above.
Tuan:
Eastern stars are dim
Kewei:
Before our love's splendor.
Tuan:
Before our love's splendor.
Kewei and Tuan:
Lost to all but thee.
Ah!——
Ah!——(To end.)
Final Chorus (Abey.)
8 "Kewei-Fei's Wedding Day."
Ding-dong, ding-dong,Ring out the bells;Come to Kwei-Fei's wedding day.See all the bridesmaids arrayed in great style.All of the wedding guests crowding the aisle;All the family.Shrieks excitedly;Dressmen, pressmen, tread on the toes of me;Grandma grandpa jumping in glee,On Kwei-Fei's wedding day. (Repeat.)
Finis Coronat Opus.
Custom cannot wither, nor age stale our infinite lack of variety.