The Spike: or, Victoria College Review Capping Carnival 1921

Act IV. — Chinatown 2,000 B.C

Act IV.

Chinatown 2,000 B.C.

Scene.—On the right a house ; in the foreground a pavilion and in the back-ground an orange tree ; to the right a peach-tree in full bearing. A fence runs round the estate. A bridge to centre, and at one end a willow-tree, to left an island with small cottage. Two turtle doves in back of picture. If this picturesque scenery leaves any room at all, there is a laundry in back-ground. Being in China, the owner of the laundry is naturally a white woman.

Caste of characters.

Joe Loo (Emperor of Pak-a-poo) C.Gamble.

Twenty-Fourth Old Man:—I am glad I am not a Chinaman; it must be very inconvenient to be a Chinaman."

—Maeterlinck.

Tuan Will Foo (his son) E. Evans

"I swung the word a. trinket at my wrist."

—Thompson.

How Eli (chief torturer) R.A. Tonkin

"His creations approval or censure; I spoke as I saw."

—Browning.

Mrs. Chu Chows (Keeper of "Willow Pattern Laundry) A. Mazengarb

"She was a lady of great renown."

—Baritone song.

Yang Kwei-Fei (his beautiful daughter). Miss M. Pigou

"Now I found that joy could be as high as Mount Chong Nan,

Sorrow as deep as Lake Shang."

—"A Soul's Progress."

Conan Doyle (a tourist) C. Moss

"Do you see anyone coming sister Anne?"

—Tale of Bluebeard.

S. Holmes (An unsolvable mystery) C.G. Kirk

"Where do flies go in the winter time, From January to Jane"

Sir. Francis Bell.

Cho Pin (a lost soul) F. Warner

"Nor lost, nor stolen, but simply gone astray."

—Rev. Frank Gorman.

Sem Pul (secretary of the union) W. A. Sheat

"I stood for the rights of my countrymen, I stand—still."

—Orations of Dunbar Sloane.

Comrade Day Su, Comrade Stevie Dore (members of the Union) M. Gibb, A. N. Other

2. Chorus. —"Hail to His Majesty."

Here he comes—here he comes,
With majestic bearing.
With his bodyguard he comes,
They are peaches, pearls and plums,
And their dress is daring—
Yet they seem uncaring
This high stately, until lately,
Emperor of all
Doffs his splendor, on a vendor
Of soft soap to call.
Cheer him, cheer him,
Cheer him, one and all!
Hurrah for the Emperor!
The Emperor of all!

3. Duet: Emperor and Mrs. Chows.

"You Must Have the Ticket."

Mrs. Chow:

You must have the ticket.
Indeed, I'll not stick it.

Emperor:
You don't think that I'm a pot of glue
For if I think you do
I'll have the head of you.

(Motioning to soldier):
Chop him off,
Chop him off,
Nanki-Poo.

Mrs. Chow:
You may do your dirty
But don't think you're' shirty,
For if you do you'll have a task.
I'll burn it to a cinder before I will give it up.
So. put that in your fleay ear you nasty little pup.

(Together):
I (you) must have the ticket,
Or else I'll (she'll) not stick it.
I (you) must have the ticket for your (my) shirt.

Emperor:
I once had a ticket,
But by some fool trick it
Was lost or stolen or strayed.
Oh, every dodge I've tried,
To every god I've cried:
"Give it back, give it back." How I've prayed!
But all of my longing
And all of my wronging
Availeth nothing now.

I haven't got the ticket, so I cannot have my shirt;
Let me weep upon your shoulder and won't you call me Bert?
For I've lost the ticket,
Yes, I've lost the ticket.
I've lost the only ticket for my shirt

5. Duet: Holmes and Conan Doyle.

When Wild Spooks Come to Blows.

S.H.:
The further that I go with you
The more I do dislike you.
I think we ought to go and give it best;
Y'ou think that everything is true,
Oh, dear, how very like you!
When I went to bed at night I could'-n't rest;
So my blood begins to boil.
And I tell you straight, friend Doyle
That your beauty I will spoil,
By jove I will!
When my brain is all on fire,
Then my thoughts are. dark and dire;
If you're cute you'll send a wire,
I'm out to kill.
Have a care. C. Doyle, have a care,
I'm not afraid of spooks.

C.D.:
Steady there, steady there,
S. Holmes. I'll tell the lukes."
With ray medium,
Who's a regular Turk,
She's a devil for a fight,
She will make things hum;

(Both)
There'll be dirty work
At the cross roads to-night.

S.H.:
In questions of intelligence
I laugh at your deductions.

C.D.:
That's mighty cheek from you, upon my word!
And as for finding where or whence
To carry out instructions,
Your actions are, to say the least, absurd.

S.H.:
You remind me of a pet
I once bad, a marmoset.
I can almost see it yet.
When youre in view.

C.D.:
Well, there's nothing odd in that.
Why, I've seen a sewer rat
Who, suppose he'd worn a hat,
Looked just like you!

S.H.:

Have a care, C. Doyle, Have a care

C.D. (repeat)

Both (repeat)