Salient. Newspaper of Victoria University of Wellington Students Association. Vol 41 No. 6. April 3 1978

The Ham Stakes

The Ham Stakes

They're off! At the head of this year's race we have the rather offensive sight of 54 jockeys all precariously balanced atop one particularly obese horse, riding with the greatest degree of respectability and decorum possible towards the victory flag. There are a number of interesting features.

Firstly, we notice that not one jockey is using his spurs. In fact they all seem quite content to let the horse run wherever and however it has a mind to; the result being a great deal of unsightly bashing into dead-ends, thundering up garden paths and one-way streets, and knocking over of innocent bystanders, accompanied by a steady and shocking stream of gutter -al grunting, flapping of jowls and arrogant tossing of the head.

Which brings us to the second point of interest: the horse, despite the [ unclear: trnend-] ous weight it is carrying and it's commanding position at the head of the race doesn't seem to be sweating at all. Could it be that that the paunchy exterior conceals a body at a peak of physical condition? Or could it be that it conceals an equally paunchy interior which has stamped, smashed, and flattened all members of the opposition that have dared to challenge it's lead? Hard to say really.

But the third and perhaps most interesting feature is the trackside response. They're lapping it up. They came to see a horse race but its subsequent replacement by a gladitorial brawl seems to be meeting with general acceptance. In fact some people are even holding up placards. One says " NZ Needs a Really Fat Horse" Another says " Muscle and Fat is Where it's at".

But the one that really seems to sum up the crowd opinion is " Go, the Winner" In short, it seems that the sheer self-confident momentum of the fat horse has the crowd largely ignorant of the twisted bodies and limbs littering the racetrack behind.

But something very interesting has suddenly happened. A Racetrack Commentator Has Suggested Changing the Fat Horse for a Normal Horse.

The interest lies not in the suggestion, which is hardly an original one, but in the punter's reactions. Some think it is all a joke. Some nervously consider the spectacle of 54 jockeys dropping from a height of 50 ft to be united in a ball of flames on the racetrack. Some picture a tiny horse, labouring along backwards with no jockeys at all, somehow skirting the bonfire to cross the finish line and actually win.

The matter was mentioned to the fat horse itself and the resulting splitting and bellowing was, as is the custom of the time, front-paged by every newspaper in the country. What No other newspaper did was to try taking a serious look at any of the jockeys.

Drawing of people riding a giant sheep with the head of a man

Perhaps this was because the ungainly spectacle of their precarious balancing act made them too ridiculous to tolerate serious speculation of Any kind. Perhaps every time they tried to get a close look, the fiery breath of the fat horse drove them back. Whatever the reason, one couldn't help wondering about something;

What's going to happen if the fat horse trips and puts himself out of action? How will the audience ever relate to all that fresh air, that empty space? How will the Blood Sport mentality ever content itself with a slide back to normal boring old rules - fettered horse racing? What good will 54 flabby unfit jockeys with bruised heads and worn out trouser bottoms be to the country?

In short, the commentator's suggestion seems quite ridiculous to many people, or to be more specific, to the media. It appears that people are still allowing the awesome bulk and violent technique of the fat horse to completely obscure their view of the carnage strewn racetrack.

And the million-dollar question of course is will the audience suffer themselves to be hypnotised by the fat horse until he knocks the supports of the grandstand out from beneath them?

Racetrack Commentator