The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 6, Issue 1 (May 1, 1931)
Wit and Humour — On Paper
Wit and Humour
On Paper.
Mrs. B.: “I saw you had your daughter's young man to tea on Sunday.”
Mrs. C.: “Yes, and he was clumsy. He spilt his tea all over the tablecloth, and we hadn't even read it.”
* * *
Where Dad's Heart Is.
The twins had been brought to be christened.
“What names?” asked the clergyman.
“Steak and Kidney,” the father answered.
“Bill, you fool,” cried the mother, “it's Kate and Sydney.”
* * *
Fifty-Fifty.
“Do you ever have to hurry to catch your morning train, Mr. Ballantyne?”
“Well, it's fairly even, you know. Either I'm standing on the platform when the train puffs in or I puff in while the train stands at the platform.”
* * *
On Second Thoughts.
MacAllister: “And how did you feel when you learned that your uninsured shop was on fire?”
Isaac: “Feel? I turned as vite as your shirt—no—viter!”
* * *
The Standing Joke.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Jew foregathered at the bar of the hotel. The Englishman stood a round of ale, the Irishman a round of whisky, the Scotsman and the Jew stood around for a few minutes and then walked out.
Disentangle This One!
There are, on a certain train, a driver, a fireman, and a guard, whose names are Smith, Jones and Robinson, but not in that order.
On the train are three passengers, also, Mr. Jones, Mr. Smith and Mr. Robinson. Mr. Robinson lives at Leeds, the guard lives half-way between Leeds and Sheffield. Mr. Jones's salary is £1,000 2s. ld. per annum. Smith can beat the fireman at billiards, the guard's nearest neighbour (one of the passengers) earns exactly three times as much as the guard, the guard's namesake lives at Sheffield. What is the name of the engine-driver?
* * *
Good Substitute.
“Aren't you afraid the birds will eat your seeds? You ought to put up a scarecrow.”
“Oh, it's not worth it. There's always one of us in the garden.”
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Thrift!
“Hullo, Mac, why have you taken off your boots?” “Well, I'll no be usin’ ‘em will I?”