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The Spike or Victoria University College Review 1931

Purple Politics

page 38

Purple Politics

It gives us much pleasure once again to chronicle the doings of that noble band of sage reformers and bearded patriarchs which for the first time burst into print at the end of last year. Unnecessary as it may seem to qualify our opening remarks, we feel that it would not be amiss to explain that we refer to that pragmatic and august, but unofficial, body which flourishes in our midst rejoicing in the name of the Society of the Grave and Revered Seignors.

It was felt by many that the pretentious name that the Society had adopted was in danger of proving ludicrous if more exacting qualifications were not required of members. Statistics showed that the last meeting had been attended by some seventy-three persons, sixty-seven of whom were mere frivolous boys and girls—Killjoy, Jr., Cannister, O'Fluff, Hilda Heinz and others of that ilk. If anything of a definitely progressive nature was to be achieved by the Society, its membership must be more select. With this object in view, it was resolved by Seignors River, Stalin-Green and Von Seidlitz, the founders of the institution, that in addition to the existing qualifications—kindly interest in the well-being of the College, fondness for ideals of Truth and Beauty and a horror of extremists—candidates for admittance to future meetings must be of a sufficiently mature age, and this was fixed tentatively at sixty years. As a further precautionary measure it was resolved that the next meeting would be held in camera and sub rosa (these phrases unfortunately proved somewhat misleading to our representative, who, in his preliminary investigations, decided erroneously that the meeting was to be held in a dark-room at Roseneath), admittance being granted only to invitation-holders on the production of identification discs, photographs, birth certificates of self and family, with schedules and verifying affidavits, and the enunciation of a selected password.

Our special representative, having corrected his initial error, discovered that the venue of the meeting was to be the southern furnace-room, and, owing to the courtesy of a kindly coal-man, who delivered him duly enclosed in a sack, was able to attend and to furnish us with the following details, which he declares by virtue of the Justices of the Peace Act, 1927, to be roughly true and correct as far as they go.

After a brief altercation at the door, due to the justifiable suspicions of the doorkeepers on Seignor (B. E.) Tater's inability to give a sufficiently intelligible version of the shibboleth, "vivisectionists' vicissitudes," the proceedings commenced, Seignor (J.) Evesdaughter being elected to the chair.

Apologies for absence were received from Seignors (Lord) Jollyquick, who regretted that it happened to be his bath-night, and P.M. (Honest Geo. W.) Daubs, who stated that he was economising and could not afford tram-fares.

In his opening speech the Chairman told the meeting that he was overjoyed to be back among his cronies once more. He had spent some happy months in the land of haggis, heather and highballs, and turning his mind from the intricacies of the Common Law into the, perhaps, even more controversial and less boring channels of the technical and local laws of the royal and ancient game, had exceeded his wildest dreams by reducing his handicap to thirty-one. In fact, he added in a burst of confidence, he was nursing a scheme whereby he proposed to persuade some benefactor to endow a Chair of Golf in the College, with the speaker as professor and professional. He concluded by announcing that he had added to his accomplishments by developing an aptitude for harmonious performance on that instrument the use of which had survived longest in the rocky fastnesses of his native land. He had the pipes with him and proposed to entertain the gathering with a pibroch or two. However, the opening skirl of a Highland lament was hastily interrupted by Seignor (F. P.) Stilton, who moved that, as tranquility was under the circumstances essential to the success of the meeting, the artist be prevailed upon to postpone his item until the next Sunday evening band concert, where all those truly appreciative of such aesthetic treats might hear him. The motion was carried, the Chairman not being called upon to give his casting vote.

Seignor (H. H.) Wheatmeal begged to draw the attention of members to the loose behaviour of many of the students attending College dances. He, as all the world and especially students of the Criminal Law knew, was a broad-minded man, but he had been shocked repeatedly by the conduct at these functions. As an illustration of page 39 the conditions obtaining at the dances, he stated that on one occasion, on seeing several couples leave the hall, he had become suspicious of their bona fides. Leaving his good woman adequately protected in the charge of Seignor Stilton, he had, with the aid of a torch and skilfully impersonating a moonbeam, conducted an exhaustive tour of the vehicles parked outside, the balcony, and the adjacent cemetery, and apparently the sight that met his eyes was reminiscent of that part of the Divine Comedy where Dante really lets himself go. The speaker went on to say that in America, although at present "necking" (as it is styled there) was not considered criminal, promiscuous osculation was looked upon with disfavour and several jurists of that country, notably such authorities as Rootz, Schplitzsche and Gurtz, had recommended that the Constitution be amended to include it as a gross misdemeanour on the grounds that it conflicted with rules of absolute morality and amatory jurisprudence. He and several others of the legal fraternity of this city had decided to do all within their power to effect an amendment of the Crimes Act making indiscriminate clandestine salutation of this sort a penal offence. Pending developments in this respect it was decided by the meeting that a Vigi-lance Committee be set up, with Seignor Wheatmeal as Organiser and Censor-in-Chief.

Seignorita (Cathie) Fraud urged that, owing to recent developments in Central Europe, the Tramping Club be abolished. A heated discussion ensued, during which it was pointed out by Seignor (F. F. Smiles that the said developments were merely evidence of an old Bohemian custom. Probably the members of the Tramping Club did not go so far as the Bohemians, and in any case the Club was a laudable institution, tending as it did to decrease the number of boy-and-girl marriages so prevalent among undergraduates to-day. He only wished he had joined such a club in his younger days (sigh). It must be, he said, impossible to tramp with members of the opposite sex and preserve all our youthful illusions concerning woman kind.

Seignor River enquired of the meeting the reason for what appeared to him, from his vantage point in the hall, to be the wild hilarity of the students of Greek History. Towards the end of last year his ears had been assailed periodically by the noise of a dozen giggling youths and maidens descending from the realms above. Seignor Stalin-Green informed Seignor River that the full and proper title of the subject in question was Greek History, Art and Literature, but he could throw no light on the matter of the students' unseemly mirth.

Seignor River: Aw, Art! I see! I understand.

Seignor (W. H.) Fooled stated that, in view of the author's departure, he wished to draw the attention of the meeting to the deleterious effects of Seignor Evesdaughter's Notes on Parliament, which had indubitably been the primary cause of an alleged reform in the College political franchise, based on proportional representation, recently introduced by Messrs. Fearnone, Friske and others. The intended innovation had threatened to cause internal strife and bloodshed in the Men's Common Room and elsewhere. Seignor Wheatmeal confirmed these remarks and said that the Notes treated of the troubled history of many esteemed and hallowed British national institutions and accordingly were calculated to bring such institutions into disrepute and ridicule and so lead to insurrection and rioting, or, at least, tended to excite feelings of hostility between different classes of His Majesty's subjects (as witness Seignor Fooled's illustration), and therefore ought to be suppressed as seditious literature. He moved that the Chairman be deputed to engage the services of several full-time students to buy up and destroy and prevent further publication of copies of the Notes, all expenses incurred to be a charge on the Society's Unemployment and Earthquake Relief and Capping Day Indemnity Fund. The motion was carried, the Chairman adding that, after all, if the Con. History students wanted something to read there was always "Smad."

This brought the business of the evening to a close. After the members had refreshed themselves the Chairman announced that, owing to the natural stringency imposed by the present period of economic adjustment the usual Sauterne and caviare would be superseded at future suppers by beer and cheese. The gathering then concluded with the singing of the Drinking Song from the Stewed Prince, after which the savants departed their several ways in geniality and high spirits.

—Vates.