"You must not suppose because I am a man of letters that I have never tried to earn an honest living" (Shaw).

The writing of a bad Extravaganza (and they are all bad, differing only in the degree of badness) is a comparatively easy task. The author, usually an introvert, looks out on the world with puzzled eyes. He sees his fellow men and women posturing before tile world's stage. All that is then necessary is to transfer the actors to the stage. Because they are young and enthusiastic the sweet birds of the University are pressed into service. Rehearsals begin, and soon the actors fit the parts in a more or less lifelike manner.

The few hours of entertainment provide the public with a view of themselves and their leaders as others see them. Surely it is not the fault of the author if the public leave the Hall murmuring "What fools these University students are!" The remark is indeed a deep tribute to the acting.

We have no intention of turning these few remarks into a Shavian introduction. We prefer "to cut the cackle and get to the 'osses." Therefore we have pleasure in presenting in "Willum the Conk." It is a story for men and women of our times. Beneath its shallow surface and show there is an underlying moral. We offer a prize to the first solution received.

Ladies and Gentlemen : We are the poor players. We solicit your attention, and please duck your heads in the front row, when the barrage starts.

The Land of Make-believe.

Scene 1.	—The Palace Garden in Happy Valley.
Scene 2.	—The Parting of the Ways.
Scene 3.	—The Haunted Garden of Mephistopholis.
Scene 4.	—The Palace Garden—still in Happy Valley.

Mouthers and Mummies

(In order of Deshabille.)

Herald

H. C. Read

"When I do open my lips let No dog bark."

—Shakespeare.

"Bow! Wow!"

—Shaw.

Polonius

H. J. Bishop (Deputy for Mr. Nelson)

"A right down regular Royal King..'

—Gilbert Regilt.

Mrs. Botts

S. Breen

"The face that sunk a thousand ships."

—Homer Revisited.

page 19

Baby Botts

J. Whitcombe

"Fragile beginnings of a mighty end."

—Mrs. Norton—wife of Mr. Norton

Nurse

A. A. B. Mouat

"Death, where is thy sting?"

—Shakespeare.

Willum

R. J. Larkin

"Nature and earth were deeply writ on his face."

—Atmore's Selections from Living Authors

Convivial Gent

R. East

"Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning to follow strong drink."

—Author Unknown at University.

page 20

Executioner

D. Kerr

"This hurts me more than it hurts you"

P. Martin-Smith and Others

Dewdrop

L. G. Donald

"A thousand melodies unheard before."

—Contributed by Orchestra

Lady Trott

J. N. Sellars

"Sweet and low"

—A. D. Priestley.

Mrs. Stowsh

Miss Shute

"Shoot if you will this old Grey Head."

— A. L. Capone

Yokels

T. H. Falloon H. J. Liidemann D. M. Burns

"What's to be done with these 'ere 'opeless chaps."

—Any Examiner.

Old Ladies

H. Bannister M. Gallagher B. Luke

"Hope springs eternal in the Old Maid's Breast."

—Aimee S. MacPherson.

page 21

Old Gents

H. Wansbrough R. B. Phillips

"You can trust any man—over ninety"

—Clara Bow.

Satan

W. J. Mountjoy, Junr.

"Coming events cast their joy before"

—Victor Hugo, Junr.

Death

R. J. Lawrence

"Tell me my soul can this be death?"

—Pope.

Vorbes	H. C. Middlebrook
Groatz	D. R. Jenkins
Olland	M. O. Guthrie

"How would you like this dash tomfoolery Every day from ten till two?"

—Sir Charles Statham

Agitator

A. F. T. Chorlton

"What the orator lacks in depth

He gives you in length"

—Montesquieu—fair dinkum.

page 22

Drunks

R. F. East J. M. Horrack

"There is no doubt that drink's a curse.

To go without is ten times worse.'

—George Troup

Sergeant

D. M. Burns

"Dressed in a little brief authority."

—Mcllgone.

Policemen

E. J. Sutch H. J. Liidemann

"The Polis as Polis in this city is Null and Void."

—O'Casey.

Highland Band

J. H. Etherington R. Heenan

Merchant of Venice. Act IV. Unexpurgated Ed.

Salvation Army Band

E. J. Marshall T. Falloon

"Blessed are they who do good big stealth."

Stychieena

E. Henderson

"Belladonna—in English a beautiful ironman, in Italian a deadly poison."

—Ambrose Bierce.

Colonel Gore

A. P. Thomson

"There goes the—Tally Ho, the Fox!"

—Hector Gray

page 23

Stranger

L. G. Donald

"I know thee not, I fear thee not."

—Made this one up.

Sentinels

F. H. Stewart K. J. Duff

"There is a significant Latin proverb, to wit, who will guard the guards?"

—Reardon on Latin Proverbs. . .

Discord	E. J. Sutch
Distrust	J. M. Horrack
Devastation	H. C. Read
Despair	S. Breen

"Hell is a city much like Wellington.'

—Nearly Byron—who ought to have known.

Mephistopholis

H. C. Middlebrook

"Son, if you want to know what a devil is, ask your mother."

—Mr. Russell.

Lucifino

W. J. Montjoy, Jun.

"Birds of a feather moult together."

—Anon.

page 24

Bluster

H. C. Read

"Words, words, words."

(Sounds like William S. at his best.)

Cat

D. Kerr

"Not a woman this time.'

Salamanca

C. M. Turner and A. A. B. Mouat

"Fairest and Loveliest of created things."

—More Shakespearian Bilge.

Servant

B. H. Etherington

"A pampered menial drove me from the door."

—Income Tax Department.

Lord Blordslow

A. F. T. Chorlton

"He came from a farm, and was proud of it."

—Lady B.

Soloist

H. Dowling

"A voice heavenly in the sense of unearthliness."

—Anon.